


Don't Know If You Mean Everything to Me

by saintmatrix



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Football, High School, Idiots in Love, Jocks, M/M, Y'all better write fics about them now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 45,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25972480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintmatrix/pseuds/saintmatrix
Summary: Diego before, during and after Justin.Changing POV's.
Relationships: Justin Foley/Diego Torres (13 Reasons Why), Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 18
Kudos: 51





	1. Before

Diego didn’t understand what it was about Justin Foley-Jensen that had everyone enthralled and almost desperate to be at his perpetual aid. The dude was a complete and utter mess, and clearly not adequate boyfriend material given his exhaustive list of mistakes —yet he had Jess completely hooked.

He wasn’t stupid enough to believe that Jess took any genuine interest in him—he knew that he was merely a tool in her prolonged course to turn Justin green and in many cases, it had worked splendidly on her behalf. He knew it was practically self-annihilation in the works—playing the role of boyfriend when said girlfriend couldn’t be any more distant or obvious about her real agenda. He didn’t mind. It felt good to feel desired in some way, desirable enough to be a worthy candidate that could offend the likes of the once  _ great  _ Justin Foley. It felt good to be considered the competition, and not a mere brush off. 

He still didn’t get it though. 

What was it about him?

* * *

_ Bite your own dick off, bro. _

Wow. The guy had an interesting way with words, that was for sure. 

When Jess leaned in to kiss him, Diego couldn’t help but spare Justin a glance. The guy was devastated. Gravity drawn shoulders, eyes glazed and mouth downturned in a grimace of mixed melancholy and confusion. 

He wanted to pull away. It was something about the way that his sharp green eyes pierced into Diego’s own that felt confrontational and harrowing, filling him with an unfound sense of shame. Almost like he was in the wrong, but he wasn’t—was he? Justin and Jess were broken up, he wasn’t crossing any lines here but why did it feel that way?

He shook his head of the thoughts, relinquishing his gaze from Justin’s and firmly pressing back against Jessica’s lips, almost like he had to prove a point—be it to himself or Justin, he didn’t know.

* * *

It was practically tradition to fuck around and traumatise some loser during senior camp and given Jensen’s obvious involvement in Walker’s murder—messing around with the guy might get him to spill a thing or two.

Obviously it didn’t pan out that way because now he was holed up in some broken-down shack in the middle of the woods with his fear-ridden teammates, Jess and of course—Justin. 

Justin’s glares were unrelenting, and the guy wasn’t wrong—they had been messing with Clay but not to where the loser would’ve disappeared for almost the whole day. Their ‘prank’ had been appropriately timed, and Jensen should’ve been able to escape the ditch within a couple of hours of said disposal. Okay, so maybe he was exaggerating there. They may have gone a little overboard. 

Justin locked eyes with him from across the room, arms folded and a hellishly mean glare on his face. Diego felt himself slightly churn under his eyes that spoke of knowingness and retained an expression of resolute determination like he would unveil Diego’s innermost secrets if it was the last thing he did. 

He hated the scrutiny that he had subjected himself too. They should’ve just left Jensen alone. 

He felt eyes on him for the rest of the night and he didn’t need to look back to know exactly who was on the other end. 

_ Fucking, Justin Foley _

* * *

Over the next couple of days, it was like  _ his  _ presence was everywhere. Diego saw him at practices, in the hallways, in class, at the cafeteria only a table or two away, and during study periods. It was exhausting and it couldn’t have been a coincidence that most of these occasions saw Jessica in his embrace but it felt like more than the usual emanation of jealousy. Diego felt watched, observed—like a rat having its insides scalped out onto the antiseptic coolness of a lab table. The need to prove a point only intensified so he kissed Jess a little longer, held her a little tighter and whispered sweet nothings into her ear whenever  _ he  _ was around. 

It must’ve worked because Foley still flared his nostrils, maintained his tight grimace and diverted his eyes whenever Diego cockily tried to catch his but something was off. Beneath all the blatant jealousy, that expression of knowingness and unrelenting scrutiny did not yield—sometimes Foley smirked more than he projected his usual air of unconcealed envy. It made him uneasy. He didn’t like feeling out of the loop, and after a few days of enduring the same ritualistic expressions—he finally had enough. 

When the team walked into the locker rooms after practice the stench of stale sweat walked in with them. He felt the way Foley’s eyes heavily trained onto his retreating form, pulling on his shirt before turning back to look at said offender. It was clear that neither would yield this almost comical battle they had lured themselves into and even as Diego grew more uncomfortable, he gritted his teeth and firmly looked back at the brunette. 

Foley was the first to break the silent yet tense air between them. 

“Torres,” Foley cooly greeted, mouth slightly upturned mockingly up as his eyes skimmed Diego’s form from top to bottom.

“Foley,” he retorted equally as cooly. 

Neither of them said anything for a couple of minutes, eyes still firmly trained on the other as they changed out of their football gear. Diego roughly threw his boots into his bag before approaching Justin’s slow maneuvering form, back going rigid at Diego’s approach. 

Diego wanted Justin to feel the same scrutiny that he had endured for the past few days, slowly dragging his eyes from Justin’s pale feet up to his eyes the colour of deep forest pools. Whether his eyes curiously lingered on Justin’s taut lips was a confusing worry for another day.

“So, what gives?” He asked, feigning indifference despite knowing that Justin would only be too aware.

“What gives about what?” the brunette retorted casually, zipping his bag up before returning his eyes to Diego’s. 

“I think you know,” he slowly said, smirking slightly as Justin backed away while he came closer, mere centimetres between their faces.

“No, I don’t think I do”.

“You know, you’re really not as sly as you think you are, Foley—that’s for sure,” he lightly chuckled, smirk growing at Justin’s clear discomfort but immediately falling as the brunette returned his gaze with an equally coy look. 

“I guess, I’m just trying to understand,” he shrugged nonchalantly, voice immersed with fake sweetness. 

Diego gulped at the almost physical intrusion, feeling exposed despite knowing that Justin was merely trying to get a ruse out of him and didn’t know jackshit.

“Understand what, exactly?”

“You.”

The sharp and clipped response had Diego awashed with a barely concealed sense of unease. He felt his left eye twitch as he returned Justin’s unrelenting gaze that was still resolute with that expression of coy knowingness. He hated it. He hated feeling external and powerless to the ridicule being directed at him. 

He collected his emotions before returning that nonchalant front, “Clearly, I’m an open book, so what’s there to understand?”

“There’s something about you Torres, and it may even have something to do with your hold on Monty.”

He felt himself reconcile at the clear inference, “What the fuck does that mean? He was my friend,” he said heatedly, nostrils flaring as he stepped impossibly closer to Justin.

“Yeah, and Bryce was once mine. But we both know what type of people they both were, and I don't think they were the same thing for either of us,” Justin spat back, eyes still immersed with a glint of mocking intelligence.

He had to diverge the conversation.

“You know, if you had an ounce of self-preservation you would keep them out of your mouth to at least avoid looking more suspicious than you already do but—either way, your boy Jensen will bring you all down… it’s only a matter of time,” he snarked back, smirking growing at seeing Justin’s face fall.

Justin’s face was red and he harshly pulled at Diego’s arm, mouth at his ear before he hotly said, “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, so can it.”

Diego felt his breath catch at their close proximity and Justin’s hot breath in his ear, even more startled when the brunette roughly pushed himself away—nose slightly grazing Diego’s cheek as he looked him up and down one last time before leaving the room. 

After Justin’s departure, he shakily lowered himself onto the bench next to him—trying to understand what had his heart beating so hurriedly and completely shutting out that part of himself that enjoyed their heated closeness. 

_ He was so fucked up _

* * *

He avoided Foley like the plague. 

He skipped practices, classes, and even dates with Jessica because the fear of encountering him was too much to deal with. He seriously didn’t need to see Foley’s coy face that would definitely be gleeful at seeing Diego unfold at his aforementioned warning. Diego wanted it to be the warning that kept him away because even if it was a sacrifice of his masculinity—it was more plausible then whatever unresolved thing was simmering beneath the surface. 

When Zach approached him one afternoon when he was finally on his way to class, he was stumped at his captain’s clear threat—be at practice today or you’re off the team. The taller boy’s expression was blank and spoke of no-bullshit if he didn’t turn up today—he was finished, no more football, no more scholarship opportunities—no college. 

He had no choice. 

_ Fucking, Justin Foley _

* * *

The entire practice he focused on his game and did not indulge the eyes that pierced into his back. He wouldn’t give him that satisfaction—Diego had his girl, he was the team’s best DB and had an entire future planned out. He wasn’t street scum like Foley—he was invincible. He was better than him. The condescending remarks only filled him with shame and in a moment of weakness, Diego’s eyes caught his and for once, they were soft and almost friendly. 

He found himself slightly smiling back in return, head nodding in that way that suggested a tentative truce. Justin smirked and jerked his head in response. 

They would never be friends but maybe simply being in each other’s company without constant malice wouldn’t be so bad. 

His eyes caught on the way Foley smiled after landing a try, it was a childlike, bright sort of smile that you felt yourself reciprocating and Diego almost did. He shook his head of the confusing emotions bubbling beneath the surface of his skin before turning back to listen to the next play that coach was administering. 

_ What the fuck _

* * *

Over the next few weeks, he made sure to kiss Jess a little longer, hug her a little tighter and treat her a little more. It nearly quelled those weird sensations beneath his skin whenever he saw Foley’s eyes on them—face contemplative, observant and nearly devoid of the familiar aura of jealousy. It scared him. He hated not knowing where he stood around people. With Foley, it began as a petty rivalry over a girl and reverted to familiar gazes of malice projected from Foley at seeing Diego with Jess and now—now he had no clue. Their tentative truce had held steady for a few weeks now but Diego could feel something coming.

He didn’t know what but it had him grasping Jess slightly tighter. 


	2. During: Why Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During - it all begins here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer, the body of the fic lies in this part so don't come at me for making you read 30k words in one page. I can't be bothered to chapter it out, sorry.

He was stupidly naive, it was only a matter of time.

There was a fucking shooter in their school. It wasn’t a drill, there was a literal shooter roaming their halls, gun loaded with bullets ready to murder fucking kids. 

_ What the fuck _

The fear sat on Diego like a pillow over his mouth and nose. Enough air got by it, allowing his body to keep functioning, but still crippling all the same. He felt his calm resolve slowly deteriorating and forced himself to take a shaky breath and compose himself, hand tightening around the handle of the bat as he thought of his abuela, papa, and little Liliana and Savannah. He needed to be strong for them, and Jess.

Diego puffed his chest and kept his voice as steady as he could. The coach urged him back toward the showers but he only pushed back—spewing half-hearted sentiments about wanting to fight back and not sit around idly while people died. He knew that everything he was saying was utter bullshit but it kept him grounded, he needed to feel a sense of service—purpose, even if fear was the only thing motivating him.

He didn’t want to die but nor could he sit around and wait to die. 

“Come on, Diego… people are scared,” Justin slowly began, eyeing him with soft eyes that meant no harm other than to ease his obvious fear and frustration. 

Diego regarded Justin for a moment, eyes frantically trying to detect the brunette’s agenda, “Well, I ain’t scared… I’m ready to fight.”

“Okay…,” he replied in that soft voice that had Diego fuming.

Why? Why was Justin being like that—like so, fucking calm and collected and understanding? 

Diego could feel those overwhelming and confusing sensations return and felt himself utter something that would surely rouse Justin, even if he felt like a complete asshole for saying it—the familiar sense of heated indignation between them grounded him in a way that the amicable yet tentative calm never could. 

“Why aren’t you, Foley?” He began slowly, “You don’t wanna stand and fight… you don’t even know where Jessica is, do you? You’re okay to just… let her die,” he retorted bitterly. 

Justin gulped and regarded him with dark eyes before rage consumed him and he charged toward Diego. Diego felt himself gleefully rejoice at the familiar discontent between them, a welcomed friend compared to the confusing emotions that he had yet to unpack. The coach immediately halted any assault that could’ve taken place, shoving at Diego’s chest and pushing him back toward the shower stalls. The coach began his headcount and Diego immediately realised that there was someone missing among them.

Those weird feelings returned full force but Diego embraced the familiar sense of fear. It spoke to him in its cackling voice. It told his legs to go weak, his stomach to lurch and his heart to ache, momentarily wallowing in its surrender before rushing out the door in search of Justin. 

***

After tentatively roaming the halls for what felt like an eternity, he found Justin’s form against a door, face peering into the window. 

Just as Diego was about to whisper-shout his name, the sound of the gunshots echoed along the abandoned halls. Diego immediately felt his heart lurch as he lowered himself against the set of lockers, eyes finally finding Justin’s panting form a few metres across from him. He felt himself begin to shake as the fear became too much to bear, coldness impregnating itself into the crevices of his bones and leaving him paralysed. Any second now, his life could be over and he didn’t know what to do with that thought. 

He felt as if his lungs were slowly filling with water as if there was just less space in them for the air. Inflating them felt like pushing up a lead weight on his chest and he was about to blackout at any second. He could feel unconsciousness calling him but a pair of warm, strong arms wrapped around his shoulders, heaving him up and into the nearest room. His vision was spotty but he could see Justin hurriedly pushing an array of tables and chairs against the door, Diego wanted to help him but he could barely differentiate his own fingers. 

Even as his breathing calmed, his head lolled back and forth—wanting to claim unconsciousness. He felt warm thick fingers clasp around his neck as a plastic cup was raised to his lips. Diego returned to himself as soon as the first drop of cool goodness hit his throat, right hand clasping around the cup and swallowing all the water in a single gulp. 

He closed his eyes to privately savour the feeling of warm fingers unconsciously massaging at his neck before slightly pulling away from Justin’s hands and thereby, smothering those weird feelings again. 

“Hey, man. You alright?” Justin asked, brows furrowed in concern. 

“I—I, yeah,” Diego mumbled in reply. 

Justin regarded him with apprehension, clearly not convinced but taking his response for now. 

“Listen, man. We’ve gotta get down against the walls, you okay to do that?”

He hated the feeling of smallness and fragility that Justin regarded him with like he was fine china that would shatter at any given moment. He knew the guy wasn’t trying to be condescending but it felt like that, nonetheless. 

“Yes, of course, I fucking am,” he spat back.

Justin only nodded back in response before moving to sit down against the back wall, the furthest corner away from the door. After a minute, Diego joined him—leave a safe distance between them but enough to be within each other’s space if need be. 

***

The waiting game was probably the most agonising part after the whole,  _ yeah we might die today _ sort of thing. The two of them must’ve been sitting in silence for at least 40 minutes now and Diego’s own conflict of feelings about said counterpart alongside the imminence of potential death was too much for him to bear in tense silence. He looked over to see Justin’s eyes hued with that distant look that suggested he was either not here or lost in thought. Either way, Diego needed to fill the silence. 

“My Abuela could single-handedly take down that bastard out there,” he began, slightly chuckling.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Justin come out of his trance, sharply looking at Diego before his expression softened into one of muted calmness, mouth upturned into a small smile.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, she would grab her chancla and beat them to death,” he continued.

Diego looked back to see Justin’s shoulders shaking in laughter, clearly entertaining the image of Diego’s 78-year-old grandma beating the said offender with a pair of flip flops. Diego felt himself relax at the sight, allowing himself to indulge these weird feelings for a little while before he shoved them back into the recesses of his mind. 

He felt laughter overtake him too, “Hey—hey man, don’t—don’t underestimate the power of chancla’s… they’re—fucking brutal,” he said in between spurts of laughter. 

Justin raised his hands in surrender, smiling infectiously, “I don’t doubt it, man,” he replied softly, regarding Diego with that pensive yet soft look again that had him retreating back into his shell. 

“My Mom would fucking lawyer her way out of it—probably spew some crazy legislations about locking the guy up in some underwater jail in that scary way she tends to and just watch the fucker yield purely because she is that terrifying,” Justin said in between chuckles.

“I’ve seen Mrs Jensen in action, I don’t doubt it,” Diego replied.

“And my Dad—Jesus, that guy would play with the fucker’s philosophical reasoning and voodoo him into submission… that man has a way with words and making you feel like a total dumbass”.

Diego heartedly laughed in reply, finally feeling calm despite the clear atrocity unfolding around them. 

They talked for what felt like hours. Justin spoke of Clay’s endearingly annoying need to have his clothing colour coordinated in his closet and how he once spat in Justin’s drink purely because he had stolen a shirt and returned it to the wrong colour pile. He spoke of how his Mom and Dad made Friday nights into family nights filled with board games, cheesy movies and late-night baking. He spoke of his dreams to get into college and how once upon a time that felt like a long shot but now it felt within reach. He spoke of how Clay and his parents saved his life, how he didn’t know the true meaning of life until he had a proper family.

Whether Justin felt like he was revealing too much or simply enough—it went unnoticed by Diego because he felt that in the last couple of hours alone, he had gotten to know a new Justin Foley-Jensen, a new or perhaps the—real Justin. He felt the familiar sentiment of shame return as he remembered his previous belittlements directed at the brunette. He didn’t know Justin back when he didn’t have a stable family but he couldn’t imagine not having his Abuela, Papa and baby sisters and he was grateful that Justin had people that finally loved him too. 

He felt his heart warm at the unconditional love emanating from Justin as he spoke about things with such fondness that even Diego felt like he had to handle the new findings sacredly. The sensations were making a slow emergence and despite the logical part of him that reasoned that he should keep that trap shut, he let himself pathetically wallow in them—Papa’s sneer a distant memory. It felt different from how he had remembered it from last time, not as electric and exhaustive but calmer, and warm—like being huddled around a cozy campfire. 

Once Justin’s soft, contemplative gaze became too much to comprehend—Diego deemed it to be only fair that he share a part of himself too. He spoke of his baby twin sisters’ tendency to be up at obnoxious hours every Sunday because that was the one day that Diego reserved to making them a completely unhealthy breakfast—despite Papa’s insistence to add at least a couple of fruits to the mix. He spoke of his Abuela’s mouthwatering Locrio de Pollo and how back home—everyone from far and wide would line up for it. He spoke of his dream to someday open a Dominican restaurant in his mother’s honour and when it got quiet—he spoke of how his life had practically fallen apart the day his Mom had passed from cancer. It happened when he was reciting another tale about Liliana and Savannah’s mischief.

“Liliana is like literally sitting in a load of horse shit while Savannah screams her lungs out because some—,” Diego wheezed out in between bursts of uncontainable laughter, face flushed but not as bad as Justin’s ghastly red face. 

The gunshots came in three successive beats. Each one wasn’t simply loud, it cracked into the air and echoed around them, magnifying their state of pure helplessness and vulnerability. Diego and Justin leapt toward each other in response, unconsciously clutching at the other as the air around them stifled to a piercing tingle lingering in their ears. Diego hadn’t even realised that he was gripping at Justin’s knee until the brunette grasped the hand atop of his knee, squeezing at it in attempted reassurance despite the clear fear consuming him too. They both heaved unevenly, Diego felt the familiar stir of a panic attack coming on but allowed Justin’s tight grip on his hand to ground him back to reality. Just a moment ago, the crisis at hand had felt like a distant memory but as usual—he was naive to so much. 

The lack of space between them had Diego spiralling in so many ways that he was sure that he would collapse. Whatever he was going through—he needed to get a hold of it and completely diminish the thought, especially given its inappropriate appearance in their current predicament. He wasn’t like that. He just wasn’t. 

His eyes were closed the entire time, yet to regain his breath but hyper-aware of Justin moving impossibly closer, his nose grazing Diego’s cheek in that way it had all those weeks ago—an altercation that felt like centuries ago yet Diego remembered it all too well. The fleeting occurrence had his eyes snapping open, finally observing the complete lack of space between them. He saw the way Justin blinked briny tears from his bloodshot eyes, before returning Diego’s sharp gaze, taking in the wet tracks that adorned his face. Justin was stronger, he always knew that. 

He would blame his next action on being on the high of a near-death experience or the heated tension of the air surrounding them or the complete lack of personal space but whatever excuse he mustered wouldn’t compare to the way it felt so wrongly, right. Slowly, inexorably, he pressed his lips to Justin’s. It was soft, gentle and a slight mix of chaste and sloppy. When the brunette went rigid against his lips, Diego felt immense embarrassment and self-loathing fill him. He abruptly pulled back, ready to utter stammered apologises and seek the shooter out himself but then Justin’s lips smashed against his. 

His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips was softer than Diego could have imagined and he kissed back, equally as fervently. Diego's hands slid up Justin’s chest and encircled his neck, while Justin’s hands tightened around his waist as the kiss began to grow. He continued kissing him hungrily as he felt himself being pushed against the wall, Justin’s body pressed up against his. The kiss continued relentlessly, their lips moving in perfect sync and became more passionate by the second. He was on a euphoric high that felt so unlike that forgettable night with Monty—the night that he had practically erased from his mind, purely because the shame was so all-consuming and Monty made sure that he felt it too. He resented it and the memory. 

Just as Diego’s hand was about to roam the expanse of soft skin beneath Justin’s shirt, Principal Bolan announced that the drill was over. Coming back to himself in a moment of haste, Diego haphazardly pulled himself away from Justin in utter shock at what he’d just done—he wasn’t like that. It was supposed to be a one-off mistake. Fuck, if his Papa ever found out—he’d kill him with his bare hands.

He roughly shoved at the other boy, needing to create space between them before he did another thing that we would surely regret. Justin’s eyes emanated similar emotions of confusion, shock and Diego may have been fooling himself, but he thought he saw a hint of disappointment. He needed to get out of here and as far away from Foley as possible.

He spared him an apathetic glance before storming out of the room. 

_ It was a fucking drill. A drill with gunshots. What the fuck. _

* * *

He liked Jess. He knew that he did and he cared about her so much. But what he’d done in a moment of haste and ill-judgement had cost him that feeling of calm around her. He could only picture her distraught and betrayed face at coming to know what had unfolded between her current and ex-boyfriend.

He hated himself. She didn’t deserve that.

As for Foley, he now resided as a cursed presence in both his mind and in reality. Avoiding him had become routine now and he didn’t care if it cost him the team or even college at this point—he just couldn’t be around him. He wasn’t like that. He would die convincing himself of that because he wasn’t. 

He couldn’t hurt his Papa or his own pride—it wasn’t the way of Dominican men. 

As he laid in Jess’s embrace he thought of just how majorly he had fucked up.

* * *

Despite how blatantly obvious he was in avoiding Foley, the brunette was unrelenting. When an array of texts came in from an unknown number he didn’t need to ask who they were from—he knew, the same way he knew whenever the brunette’s eyes bored into his back or the way he knew that Justin lingered around his classes sometimes. No matter how persistent the other guy was, Diego always found a way to swerve any potential encounter between them—except now.

Foley was usually the first to leave the scene whenever he saw Jess with Diego but after months of dealing with their presence, he had resigned to giving them casual glances that were tinged with annoyance but now—he stood in front of the two during lunch, gaze firmly trained on Diego alone. He could only spare him a fleeting glance before returning his gaze to Jess’s confused one.

“I need to talk to you,” Justin said blankly, eyes still trained on Diego’s now wilting form.

“Excuse me?” Jess demanded in confusion.

“I need to talk to Torres.”

Jess gazed back at Diego in question, eyes skimming over his face as she awaited his response. Everyone knew that boys were in football together but unbeknownst to most—Diego hadn’t been to practice in a number of days. No matter how desperately Diego wanted to tell him to fuck off, the boy knew that such a response would be heeded with confusion because most had come to know about the tentative truce between the two boys. 

He jerked his head in agreement, making sure to prolong his kiss with Jess if only to ensure that Foley got the point. He wasn’t like that. Unbeknownst to him, Justin’s jaw clenched in annoyance as he escorted them outside toward the field where it was quieter. 

Diego kept a more than needed distance between and Justin was stupidly aware of it. 

“You haven’t been at practice… Zach’s losing his hair,” Justin began almost casually.

“How very observant of you and Dempsey will live,” he retorted bitterly, eyes anywhere but Justin’s face.

“Doesn’t seem that easy to start a restaurant if you’ve got nothing under your belt,” Justin continued.

The obvious reference back to the day had Diego sharply returning his gaze in shock—making him feel weirdly uncomfortable. Why did he feel so jittery at Foley remembering such a futile detail? The brunette’s eyes were sharp and knowing, nothing new there.

“What does it matter to you?”

“It doesn’t but I’m not trying to ruin your future or anything—,” Justin began.

“What do you have to do with my future?” Diego harshly interrupted.

Justin’s right hand hesitantly brushed against Diego’s own and he felt himself flinch in response, immediately putting more distance between them. He haphazardly skimmed his surroundings to make sure that no one had seen the scene. 

Justin’s face fell, “I thought—.”

“Yeah, well you thought wrong,” he spat back, left leg pulsating in anxiety. 

As if putting a mask on right in front of his eyes, Justin’s expression changed from muted dejection to one of cold indifference.

“Listen, come back to the team—I’ll stay out of your way, as long as you stay outta mine,” he said cooly. 

Diego stood rigid at his cool tone, deserving of the little regard but still bothered and selfishness craving the previous attention bestowed on him. He wasn’t like that though.

Diego figured that Justin was a man of his word and nodded jerkily in agreement. The brunette regarded him with a similar apathetic expression, accepting his nod before turning away and walking off. 

Diego only felt colder.


	3. Crave Your Eyes on Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions are never meant to be easy, sometimes they aren't meant to make complete sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I lied, chaptering this shit out actually makes it a million times easier to proofread. Enjoy !!

He went to practices. Stayed out of Foley’s way and he gave him the same courtesy in return. 

But though Diego had demanded the distance and practically initiated it himself when he was religiously avoiding Foley—the lack of regard or even passing glance from the brunette had Diego feeling inexplicably frustrated. He didn't want to be in Foley’s orbit but that didn’t mean that he should've resigned to a level of practical nonexistence. He hated feeling invisible. 

So, he messed up plays, outwardly tackled Foley when he was playing offence, hogged the ball and kept up the same foul play for days even after Zach gave him an embarrassing earful. He kept it up to the point where none of it could go unnoticed by Foley any longer and the brunette’s own frustration had them nose to nose, shoving at each other in that familiar way.

After a few days of the same old petty banter and practices ending in entanglements, the coach had enough. He practically screamed his lungs out, separating another brawl between him and Foley before cancelling practice and demanding that the two figure their shit out before the next game—or else there wouldn’t be one. The team cried out in anger, sneering how they would destroy the two for cancelling their season because of their ‘catfight’.

Diego felt like a complete asshole.

The coach grabbed them by their uniforms and hauled them both into some random storage room, cursing his head off before locking them inside and revealing that he would unlock the door in a couple of hours and they had better ‘sort their shit out’ by then.

Foley was practically seething, nostrils flared as he holed himself up in the corner of the cardboard box room. Diego didn’t feel much better himself, self-loathing consuming him for letting it go so far and thereby, condemning himself to his current situation. 

“What the fuck, man!” Foley spat in frustration.

Diego could only roll his eyes in response.

Justin shook his head in incredulity, “You have nothing to say?”

What was he supposed to say? Sorry for being on your ass the past couple of days but you’re ignoring my existence? I’m sorry, I can’t stop thinking about that stupid kiss but I’m not gay? Why won’t you look at me anymore? Did you enjoy it too?

He shook his head of the impure thoughts. 

He heard Justin huff in annoyance, hauling his knees against his chest before turning his back to Diego. 

After minutes of agonising silence, Justin broke it with a coy question.

“How’s Jess?”

Diego felt himself stiffen at the question, “She’s fucking great.”

Justin slowly nodded his head in thought, before dropping a bombshell.

“She know about that day?” He said casually. 

Diego felt his heart pick up—whether it was in anger or fear, he didn’t know but he crowded the tight corner that Justin was holed up in and looked at him with pure malice. He hated him for bringing up that day. That day that he wasn’t thinking right—it was the potentiality of death that had triggered it. 

“Stop,” Diego said through gritted teeth.

“Why? It's just a question,” Foley said, still feigning nonchalance as he stood up so he was eye to eye with Diego.

“Fuck you, Foley,” he said harshly, shoving at the boy’s chest causing his back to hit the shelves behind him.

“No, fuck you, Torres. Messing up plays and shit—I stayed out of your way, what gives?” He sneered, shoving back in return. 

“You’re so fucking—you’re.”

“I’m what?” Justin questioned, crowding into his personal space and making Diego feeling all of  _ that  _ again. 

“You drive me fucking insane. I hate you,” he gritted out, even as his eyes flicked between Justin’s lips and eyes. 

“I hate you too,” Justin said softly, eyes trained on Diego’s lips.

Diego felt his breath catch as he felt their lips meet again—he didn’t know who moved in first but it was so much like the first but so much better all the same. 

_ Fuck it _

Justin’s hand rested below his ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. Diego ran his fingers down the brunette’s spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and he could feel the beating of Justin’s heart against his chest. Their lips parted and clasped onto one another, adding more pressure as the kiss deepened. Diego’s hand slid smoothly onto Justin’s arm, lifting it and pinning it against the shelf that they were leaned up against. Their kiss grew more greedy, his mouth locking tighter. The heat flowing throughout his body began to grow as he felt Justin’s other hand come up under his shirt, Diego felt himself stiffen but relaxed as the hesitant yet firm hand explored his expanse of skin. He felt his breath catch, slightly moaning into Justin’s mouth as he felt his hand lightly graze his sensitive nipples.

Justin pulled back slightly at the sound, eyes dark yet teasing—Diego felt his skin burn hot with embarrassment. 

“Sorry—,” he mumbled incoherently. 

“No—No, that was—it was fucking hot,” Justin huffed out lowly, trying to catch his breath.

Diego felt his lower region simmer in response, unable to comprehend that he was seriously kissing  _ the  _ Justin Foley.

Justin’s hand under his shirt, tugged at the material slightly, “Can I—?” he asked in question.

Diego didn’t give him an answer, immediately pulling his shirt off his head in a hurry. Justin’s eyes trained on his chest for a longer time than he found comfortable, feeling slightly insecure at being bared so openly. Sure, they had seen each other shirtless plenty of times in the locker rooms but now—it was different. 

Justin must’ve sensed his discomfort because only second’s later, he removed his shirt too. Justin was a beauty of tanned, lean muscle and Diego couldn’t help but appreciate the clear effort that he made to keep his body fit. He was pulled out of his trance when the brunette hooked his fingers in his jeans and crashed their hips together, pulling Diego in for another deep but slow kiss. 

In moments the soft caress had become more firm, he savoured Justin’s lips and the quickening of his breath that matched his own. God, he hated how right yet wrong this was. Diego felt his hot breath on his neck, then the tender brush of lips. Burning as they made contact with his neck. A hand ran through his hair, as the kisses became harder and more urgent. Another hand slid around his waist and pulled Diego even closer to Justin’s sweat scented body. His kisses were now on Diego’s shoulders and in his hair. His eyes rolled back in delirium, completely consumed by the feeling of Justin on his skin, in his mind and now tentatively in his heart—he didn’t want to entertain that notion at all. If anything, they would keep whatever this is, simple, easy, it wouldn't go there. 

They lost themselves in each other and in those few minutes—it felt okay. 

***

They didn't do much more than kiss and now they found themselves shoulder to shoulder, awaiting the coach's return. If Diego’s estimate was correct, they must’ve been locked in here from nearly 2 hours—it would be any minute now. Diego hesitantly leaned his head on Justin’s shoulder, feeling the other boy’s shoulder stiffen slightly—atmosphere still tense and unsure even after their heated exchange. He didn’t know why he did it, he needed to lock this part of himself away like he had before but now—he just wanted to relax a bit more before it was all over. Justin’s shoulder relaxed as he leaned his head against Diego’s, hand still continuing it’s calming, light strokes on his arm. 

Diego was lost in his thoughts but one thing was so sure to him, “I don’t wanna hurt Jess,” he told Justin.

Justin took in a deep breath before nodding, “Neither do I.”

A look passed between them and if Diego was reading it right, Justin didn’t want whatever this weird thing was between them to end. The same way the two of them didn’t want to hurt Jess. 

Diego was too aware that he didn’t want this thing to end either. Not knowing what to say, Diego leaned his head further into Justin’s neck, immediately feeling the way Justin’s arm came to wrap around his shoulders. 

It was so confusing and comforting and wrong but right. He ignored all the emotions and just let himself bask in the feeling of warm arms. 

They pulled away at the sound of keys rattling but nothing could smother the warmth still on his skin and vivid memory implanted in his brain. A hesitant yet understanding air passed between them and Diego felt himself smiling at those soft eyes. Justin’s thumb lingered on his hand for a few more seconds and pulled away as soon as the door opened.

_ God, what had he gotten himself into _

***

The same night, a single text came through.

_ J - Hey _

Diego felt his mouth unconsciously turn up, pressing his lips together in a taut line to disguise the weird giddiness that he was feeling. 

_ D - Hey _

_ J - See u at practice tomorrow _

_ D - Yeah, see u _


	4. Imprinted in Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheese platter, anyone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are all enjoying this so far! Check out my twitter @/zalextapes if you wanna interact or whatever. 
> 
> \- Avon

After that fateful day, he saw Justin at least a few times a day. Whether it simply be in passing at school, or during practices or when they stole kisses in empty classrooms or during the occasional conversation that somehow always went deeper—he saw him.

Everyone else was not unbeknownst to the new friendship between the two, the coach pleasantly pleased that his intrusion had created a strong bond, both on and off the field. If he only knew. Jess was perhaps the most surprised and it was warranted given their initial, rocky start but she observed them with speculative eyes and a small smile—genuinely happy that her ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend could find a way to make it work. Somedays, Justin even sat with them during lunch—his presence a welcomed but difficult one for Diego given their active entanglement that would seriously hurt a certain girl if she ever came to know about it. That’s why Diego made sure to keep his glances and conversations appropriately timed—not sparing Justin any lingering glances that might’ve given anything away, even if he wanted to. It was for Jess and for himself—no one could know. He wasn’t like that.

Justin understood and kept up the same pretences, leaving the other stuff for closed doors. Either way, it was purely physical between them—nothing would come out of it. Nothing could. It was mutual fun. 

Today though, Justin wasn’t being as discreet. He was looking at Diego with those soft eyes again, it was the same look that always had him scouring for the nearest exit. Something about that look was too much but it made Diego smile. He pulled his mouth into a taut line to suppress the smile awaiting to break, so thankful that Ani had Jess absorbed in conversation. That gave him the opening he needed to kick at Justin’s shin. Justin must’ve been lost in trance because he yelped at the sudden assault, looking at Diego in confusion before taking in the boy’s annoyed expression and chuckling in response. Ani and Jess spared them an impatient glance before resuming their conversation and Diego heard the obnoxious ring of a message coming in.

He rolled his eyes at Justin, the dude was literally sitting across from him. 

_J - Hey_

Diego chuckled, feeling Justin’s eyes on him as he typed out his response.

_D - I’m right in front of you, dumbass_

Justin looked up at him as soon as the text came in, flicking his eyes at Jess and Ani like it wasn’t the most obvious thing ever. Oh yep, made sense now. 

_J - Come over to my place tonight_

Diego felt his breath catch at the message, feeling the way Justin’s eyes pierced into his forehead at the realisation that he wasn’t texting back. They hadn’t been doing this thing for long, it felt too soon. What if someone saw him? He couldn’t risk it. 

He still hadn’t returned Justin’s gaze, eyes trained on the text and trying to think of the best way to decline his offer but then, two more texts came through. 

_J - No one will be home tonight, not even Clay_

_J - We can have fun_

Diego felt himself wilt, taking risks had become a new occurrence ever since he and Justin had begun this thing. Why the fuck not? Fun was fun. He smirked and typed out his reply.

_D - Ok ;)_

He looked up to see a suggestive look on Justin’s face, smirk firmly in place. He rolled his eyes, hiding his smile behind his arm before kicking at Justin’s shin again because now he was being _way_ too obvious. He burst into laughter at the way Justin was still caught off guard—brunette yelping again.

* * *

The Jensen residence was a modest comparison to the mass of mansions he’d encountered while being friends with some of the richer folk in his team or when attending meaningless parties, purely because it was expected of him to be in attendance. The houses and grand parties made him feel inadequate but keeping up pretences mattered. He hated all of it but he went anyways or else they’d talk. 

He was greeted at the door with that soft smile again but eyes seemingly tinged with mischief this time. He was confused at why he was being led out into the backyard until he saw the granny flat—Justin and Clay called it their outhouse apparently. Cute.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Justin crowded him against the wall.

“Hey,” the brunette nearly slurred, eyes dark as he took in Diego’s face before training on his lips.

“Hey,” he replied slowly, grasping at Justin’s waist lightly. 

Justin moved in to connect their lips, his were firm against Diego’s, but the kiss remained soft, gentle, slow. They held it for a few seconds before their lips began to move in perfect sync, slowly, cautiously. These were the kisses that made him want to run because they were too sweet, too intimate, too much. Diego needed to change that. Just as he went to deepen the kiss, Justin pulled away and grasped at his hand—dragging him into the main hall. 

He saw the array of DVD cases on the table, surprised that apparently their night would consist of more than just making out—he wanted to mind because they were crossing the strictly physical-no emotions rule but he felt himself yield at the expectancy in Justin’s eyes. 

“I thought that maybe we—we could watch something,” he said hesitantly, scratching at his neck.

“Uh, yeah I mean—holy shit, I love Zootopia,” Diego began before his voice rose in excitement at seeing his favourite movie amongst the pile.

“What—really?” Justin chuckled in disbelief, eyes still firm with that now-familiar softness.

“There is literally no debate here, this is a clear choice—no arguments,” Diego insisted with fake strictness in his voice, chuckling at the way Justin raised his arms in surrender.

“Sir, yes sir,” Justin replied with a mocking salute. 

They laughed against each other for a minute and after coming down from the elated high, Justin looked at him like _that_ again and he didn’t doubt that he probably looked at Justin in somewhat the same way. When his gaze became too much to handle, Diego placed a chaste kiss on his lips before moving toward the DVD player. 

“I—I’ll get the popcorn going then,” Justin stammered out. 

While he waited for Justin to finish making the popcorn and apparently a cheese platter because that was a common occurrence during movie night at the Jensen’s place, he roamed their little space. He knew that Justin had only been adopted by the Jensen’s a little over a year ago but the array of family photos, small trinkets from sports games and souvenirs from vacations would make you believe that he had been with them his whole life. It was a comforting thought, Justin was having the whole family experience—Diego missed that. The chuckle that left his mouth was more in relation to just how fitting it was for the Jensen’s to have something so antique yet weirdly trendy at the same time.

“Of course you guys have a polaroid,” Diego chuckled, taking the piece into his hand and observing its unprecedented beauty compared to that of the obnoxiously bright coloured Fujifilm ones. 

“Uh yeah—my Dad has so much old shit lying around that still somehow happens to work, the guy is the ultimate hoarder,” Justin replied, chuckling as he watched Diego from his perch on the main table before making his way over to him. 

Only moments later, the camera was in Justin’s grasp, “Here, let’s take a couple,” he said.

“Seriously, Foley? No, thanks,” Diego chuckled in reply, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“Come on, just a few…,” Justin pleaded lightly with those puppy eyes that Jess talked about way too often.

Diego felt himself yield, rolling his eyes as he took a seat next to Justin on his bed. Justin passed the camera over to him, silently urging him to take the pictures. He raised his hand, thumb coming up to rest on the button.

“Ready?”

Justin nodded. 

“3, 2...,” he counted down and just before it hit 1, he felt Justin press a kiss to the space between his neck and cheek—causing Diego to chuckle and squirm in response but it was too late, the polaroid was already developing. 

“Ugh—it’s probably ruined now,” he remarked in fake annoyance. 

Justin rolled his eyes, “It’s fine… we can take some more.”

The next couple were some smiling shots, a few with them laughing into each other’s face and one that had Diego feeling especially squirmy—his eyes were closed in the polaroid, small closed mouth smile on his face but Justin’s face had that look on it again, gazing so sharply at Diego and seeing it so permanently cemented had him immediately looking away. But it was the first polaroid that was something else entirely—the shot made them look so coupley, content and it even made Diego feel slightly free. Justin’s smile was so visible even as his lips were pressed to the space between Diego’s neck and cheek while Diego’s mouth was upturned into a broad grin as his eyes crinkled in that way that meant he was laughing uncontrollably. It was a beautiful shot and it had him gulping at the lump in his throat. 

No one could see these photos. Not ever. But for now, he let himself appreciate whatever this tentative thing was between them. Justin came back to see the photos developed, eyes skimming over the polaroids with a small smile before giving one half to Diego and keeping the rest for himself. He trusted that Justin would keep them safe. He had to. 

The rest of the night was spent with Justin collapsing in laughter at Diego’s rendition of _Try Everything_ , them littering the floor with popcorn as they tried to shoot kernels into each other’s mouth, Diego teasing Justin’s cheese platter that was delicious but felt so out of context that it was weirdly endearing and somewhere along the way, Justin’s head had found its way into Diego’s lap and he realised that he was okay with this type of fun. 

The realisation that their glances were lingering longer than necessary and Diego’s urge to kiss Justin more softly rather than with the familiar heat of passion had him spiralling in so many ways. And when Justin fell asleep in his lap, he had to quell the urge to place a kiss on his forehead—it wasn’t like that. It was supposed to be meaningless fun but now—now he didn’t know and that terrified him. He wasn’t like that, though. 

And so he kept telling himself, even as he softly maneuvered Justin’s head onto a pillow and draped a blanket over his huddled body. Even as he held his hand and placed that kiss on his forehead, even as he gave in to the need to check that he was comfortable one last time before heading home. And yet, as he left—he somehow still believed it. 

***

_D - I had fun tonight, should do it again sometime_

_J - I'm glad, thanks for keeping me warm and yeah_

Diego smiled at that, the fear still so strong but for once—he just let it sit there.


	5. Lose Myself in You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: SMUT in this chapter.
> 
> Diego wonders what it's like to have what they do, only he'll probably never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chile, I don't know what to say but enjoy leave me kudos n comments.

Football practice was as hard, gritty and dirty as usual and Diego left the familiar feeling of exhaustion set into his bones but smiled as he felt Justin’s hand graze his own as they made their way toward the locker rooms. They planned to spend the afternoon together with no plans in mind other than to enjoy each other’s company. 

Diego quickly showered, and then waited for Justin at the bleachers as the other boys took their leave for the day. He could see Zach running toward Alex across the field, that goofy smile on the captain’s face as he saw the taller boy pull his boyfriend in for a kiss—Alex practically melting in his arms. He felt his jaw clench at the display, unable to diverge his eyes from the scene even as he started to feel slightly uncomfortable. It couldn't have been jealousy—he and Justin weren't like that. Or maybe it was because he could never have something like that—something open and real, it would always have to be meaningless fun behind closed doors. He was happy for them—their relationship always made the most sense but it only took the two of them years to realise it. 

Lost in observation, he hadn’t even realised that Justin was standing right beside him. Justin followed his line of sight and smiled at the way his two friends were so lost in each other—smile slightly bittersweet and tinged with some sort of longing that Diego couldn't decipher. 

“You ready to go?” Justin softly asked, hand softly grasping Diego’s own when he realised that it was only them now. 

“Yeah,” Diego replied absentmindedly, before coming back to himself and smiling up at Justin who was towering over him.

In a moment of either bravery or complete stupidity, Diego pressed a chaste kiss on Justin’s lips, wanting to understand a little of what it was like to—to be  _ like that _ . He felt Justin grasp harder at his hand before deepening the kiss and when that ounce of bravery had disappeared and the feeling of prying eyes returned, Diego quickly pulled away. 

He squeezed back at his hand in apology before jerking his head toward the car park. 

***

They had driven around aimlessly for hours, lost in conversation about both stupid and meaningful things. It was like that with Justin, he hadn’t given the guy enough credit before but he was so fucking intuitive and had a way of understanding and making you feel heard. The way he effortlessly expanded on things that Diego couldn’t elaborate on in the exact way he was intending to convey had him enthralled by the spectacle that was Justin Foley. Again, the fear and unease of what he was feeling returned full force and it sat there heavy and demanding. 

After realising that he was low on gas, Diego deemed it time for them to get some food because he was fucking starving. He stopped at the gas station before heading toward the nearest Burger King. They came out with a handful of junk that would have the coach in absolute tears but to them—it was  deliciously unhealthy sustenance. Diego couldn't help but laugh at the way Justin practically inhaled the food. 

“Holy fuck dude, you could’ve mentioned that you were hungry,” Diego chuckled, taking a bite of his burger. 

Justin responded with a low groan as he continued to devour the food, obviously enjoying himself. Diego smiled at the comical display, before realising that his gaze was lingering in that way that it tended to over the past few days specifically. He needed to get a hold of himself. He felt himself unconsciously wipe at the smear of sauce on the corner of Justin’s lips before an unfound feeling of boldness prompted him to suck the sauce off his thumb. He saw the way Justin’s eyes darkened and how he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

Only moments later, eager lips had found his and Diego chuckled at Justin’s impatience, pulling away to place his burger back in the grease smeared bag before resuming the kiss. Justin tasted of ketchup, sauteed onions and grilled chicken—it was weird how he didn’t find that gross. As the kiss deepened, Diego felt Justin haul his weight onto his thighs, the brunette practically sitting on his lap as impatient hands roamed each other’s body. 

After a while, Justin had kissed him everywhere but was very obviously avoiding his lips. He’d pressed lingering kisses against pretty much everything else he could reach. Diego’s jaw, his neck, his cheeks—it was all fair game. Justin’s breath curled against the skin just beneath Diego’s ear as his hands skated against the smooth skin of his stomach, occasionally scraping down his side in long scratches. Hands curled tightly into Justin’s mess of hair, as Diego breathed hard into his warm neck. He wanted to do more for the brunette but not here in the middle of a Burger King car park, so he reluctantly pulled away. 

“Hey—hey, let’s—,” he couldn’t finish his sentence because Justin bit at his neck, causing him to let out a low moan, “Fuck Foley,” he cried in delirium, eyes rolling back at the over sensation. 

Justin moaned in response, slowly retracting his abuse on Diego’s neck, “Yeah?” he asked lowly, hair a mess and eyes hooded in pleasure.

Diego closed his eyes to catch his breath, “Not here—let’s go somewhere else, okay?” he asked, making sure that Justin knew that he wanted this but just not here of all places.

God, this was so wrong. But he was sick of telling himself that. 

Justin nodded fervently, immediately hopping off Diego’s lap and into the passenger seat. Diego saw the way his right leg jostled with clear anticipation and he chuckled before turning on the engine and driving off. 

***

They made it to Eckley Pier Hill in a matter of minutes. The place was notoriously known for being the romantic hotspot for couples to get it on and he could imagine Justin finding this place to be an ironically amusing choice and he wasn’t wrong—the brunette was rolling his eyes in masked amusement, shaking his head at Diego’s audacity. 

“What?” Diego chuckled innocently.

“Great choice—really,” Justin sarcastically retorted, still shaking his head in disbelief. 

Diego smiled, hopping over his seat to land in the back seat before looking at Justin expectedly. 

Justin kissed him fully, licking at the inside of his mouth and drawing back slightly to bite at Diego’s bottom lip. Diego lifted his chin up to meet the brunette more fully, the cramped backseat making it difficult but not impossible for Diego to lift his hands up and grab Justin’s shirt collar, pulling him even closer than they already were. Justin groaned against his mouth, and Diego felt the upward curve of a smile before Justin moved his hands up toward the collar of Diego’s shirt, slightly pulling away to ensure that Diego was still okay with this. 

Diego nodded in consent, shivering at the combination of Justin's warm breath in his ear and the scrape of teeth along the shell of his ear. Justin’s fingers popped open the first button on Diego’s shirt, then the second. Diego reached up to reclaim Justin’s lips with his own, resisting the impulse to rip off the brunette’s shirt as the material became an annoying barrier. Almost like Justin read his mind, the brunette removed his shirt in haste—leaving a beautiful expanse of muscled, smooth skin. Diego lowly moaned at the sight. 

Diego was a mixture of aroused and fearful all at once. They sensations feeling nothing like his experience with other girls, even that of Jess—it was all muscle and heat but felt so fucking good. He could feel his rationality fading as Justin’s lips mapped out his chest and nothing felt more right.

Suddenly, Justin’s hips began moving, shifting and weaving against Diego’s and Diego suddenly forgot how to breathe as Justin began to press open-mouthed kisses down his jawline. His hand made its way into the mess of Justin’s brown locks, tilting his head back at the sensual kiss near the column of his throat and, without meaning to, he pulled at Justin's strands.

“Oh, fuck, sorry,” he said hoarsely, but the noise Justin made against his skin sent a shudder through his body. “Oh,” Diego realized, eyes falling shut and fingers tightening around the back of Justin’s scalp again.

Justin moaned again, louder this time. Diego was lost in the feeling of Justin’s hands on his shoulders, mouth on his collarbone, hips pressing against his. 

Breaking away from Justin slightly, Diego leaned down, closing his mouth over one tight peak, sucking lightly, flicking his tongue until Justin threw his head back in pleasure, shoving him closer as he let out a keening whine that Diego would never have thought him capable of. Diego didn’t have a clue what he was doing but he let Justin’s obvious pleasure guide him, it felt amazing to know that he was making the brunette feel all of this. He bit down lightly and Justin cried out, his hips jerking. Diego’s cock pulsed and he uncomfortably tightened his crotch region, knowing if he got much more friction, he'd lose it before it was even started. Just getting what he'd wanted for so long left him more of a mess than he was willing to admit to—no matter how much he tried to deny it. 

Justin’s hands slid down his shoulders, over his arms and then shifted to glide over his ribs and then down to his ass, gripping him harshly. 

"Diego." 

The way he said his name forced a moan up from inside Diego, had him moving his hand to buck his hips against Justin’s own, finding he'd grown fully hard in the meantime.

He released that nipple, moving to the other, flicking his tongue over it without sucking it into his mouth, blowing lightly on it as Justin’s hands moved to the fly of his pants, halting to ask for Diego’s permission—the guy was too good.

“Can I—,” he began but Diego cut him off with an airy yes before pulling him for a kiss. 

Justin unfastened his pants, hooking his fingers under the waistband, dragging them down until Diego’s cock sprang free. Relief was swift, the lack of confining material leaving him rocking his hips without a care in the world as to how it looked. He felt himself flush at his complete bareness, a stark contrast to Justin’s semi-clothed form but seconds later, he heard a second zipper and he pulled up from Justin’s nipple to watch as Justin undid his own pants, sliding the material down to reveal himself.

Diego took in a shuddering breath as he caught sight of him. He'd seen him a half dozen or so times after a shower post-practice, had some idea what he was getting into, but in all that time, he'd never once seen him hard. He didn't think, just reacted, reaching down and taking him in hand, giving him a slow stroke, breathing out, "Oh God," at the warmth of his cock in his hand.

"Tell me what you want." 

The words left Justin, panting, definitively desperate, and Diego surged forward, claiming Justin’s mouth with his own once again. The kiss was sloppy, all tongue and teeth, a lewd representation of so many other things as he nearly thrust his tongue into Justin’s mouth, tasting him again and again.

It took Justin’s hand on his wrist and the broken groan he gave for him to realize he'd been jacking him off with a sense of desperation tantamount to his own when he gave in and let himself think about how much he wanted this. Shivering, he gripped him hard, giving Justin’s mouth a final lick before dropping back to rest against his thighs, watching as he slowly worked his hand over Justin’s shaft, watching his foreskin pull back over the head and then come back up, watching the lazy drizzle of precum spill over his index finger. Sliding his finger up, he gathered the rest and lifted his hand, bringing to his mouth and slowly licking it off. The burst of salty masculinity hit his senses and he knew he could have cum with the slightest touch right then, and knew what a dangerous game he was playing here.

"I want you. The how is irrelevant."

Justin groaned, reaching for his hips, drawing him forward until their cocks were pressed up tight between them. He began to rock his hips and Diego clutched at Justin’s shoulders, shuddering at how good it felt. Bowing his head, he watched the ever-slickening slide of their chosen method, watched until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, until his belly was trembling, tight with his held-back orgasm.

"Diego."

The way Justin said his name brought him right up to the edge and he gave in with a groan.

“Justin.”

He jerked his hips hard against him, squeezing his eyes shut as he just felt. The squeak of the seat's leather, the protest of springs that had never been meant to be used like this, filled the car. Diego didn't let up, didn't relent until a forceful shiver was rushing through him, his entire body flushing, and his cock throbbing, again and again, pulsing his release out all over Justin’s abdomen.

Letting out a moan, Diego went nearly boneless, resting against Justin as he tried to bring himself back enough to get Justin off as well. Justin’s arms slid around him, held him close and he hid his smile at the way Justin nuzzled in against his hair and then pressed his nose against his neck. His hips rocked once and Diego felt the instant tenseness in Justin’s body, felt the way he held him harder as his cock thrust up beside his, pushed through the mess of his cum. And then Justin was shaking under him, trembling with the intensity of his pleasure. A little mewl left him and his breath caught, leaving him utterly breathless as warmth flooded up between them, the steady throb of Justin’s cock against his own telling him everything he needed to know.

Diego whined, uncaring how it sounded as he pressed down tight, let the shocks of Justin’s orgasm resonate within him. His hands held on tight as he managed a quiet chuckle, "Fuck… that was—.”

Justin’s hands roamed over his back as he panted for his breath, a breathy, happy little laugh bubbling up. 

"Yeah." His lips pressed along Diego’s pulse point, tongue flicking and tasting, and then he was gently urging Diego back, framing his face and kissing him soundly on the lips.

When they parted, Diego could feel the embarrassed little smile on his face, saw the grin mirrored on Justin’s face, with those same soft eyes that had him feeling warm and giddy—everything felt right in that very moment. 


	6. Bound to Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego's prepared for people to walk out of his life, it's how it has always been.

After that night, every encounter with Justin felt more electric and intense. It was like every glance he spared him brought him back to that blissful night on the hill—it was both a curse and a blessing. But as the weeks went on and it was clear that this thing between him and Justin was far from ending, keeping up pretences with Jess only became harder. Somewhere along the way he had accepted that he was slowly falling for Foley and for better or for worse—it was bound to happen, he was fooling himself by thinking otherwise but the acceptance didn’t make his situation any easier.

His Papa would still skin him alive if he ever found out that his son enjoyed kissing boys the same way that he liked kissing girls or that he had fucked said boy in his car atop a hill. His only consolation was that Justin probably didn’t reciprocate—too much love and history between him and Jess for any of it to be quelled by a newcomer’s presence. It might’ve hurt to come to the realisation but it made it slightly easier for him—he could do no feelings. He could deal with unrequited whatever it was. 

He would end it with Jess soon. It had to be over for his own peace of mind and when Justin finally got bored of him, he could go back to the girl he loved. It was better for both of them that way. Heartache was a fleeting emotion, he could deal with fleeting.

* * *

It was a bland, normal Tuesday when he did it. It was time. 

He and Jess had barely talked or hung out in the last couple of weeks save for their interactions at school, so it was bound to happen and Jess knew it. Her reaction was one of mild confusion, then muted acceptance before she plastered on a bittersweet smile and told him that it hadn’t been working for a long time anyway. He weakly agreed, gulping at the lump in his throat as he saw her retreating form entangle Ani in a hug. He felt his mood sombre at the realisation that it was only a matter of time before Justin would find his way back to her.

It was better that way. 

***

He and Justin had decided to spend their evening together on the field, practising their throws before the big game on Friday night. He tried to keep up with the conversation but his mind was plagued by the same train of thought, so much so that he missed Justin’s next throw—the ball hitting him square in the nose. 

He heard Justin curse in response before making his way toward him, brows furrowed in concern. 

“Diego, you good, man?” He asked softly, right hand rubbing at his shoulder. 

Diego plastered on a fake smile, eyes still trained on the patch of grass beneath his feet, “I broke up with Jess,” he said blankly, preparing for Justin’s swift departure. 

“What?” the other boy let out weakly.

“Yeah—so I guess the two of you can work shit out now or whatever,” he replied, feigning nonchalance. 

Justin’s eyes narrowed in hurt, shaking his head at Diego, “Why—why would I do that?” 

“You love her, don’t you?” Diego questioned harshly, eyes now firmly trained on Justin’s confused ones.

“Of course I do but—.”

“But, what?”

“You and I—I can’t just forget,” he retorted as if it was the most obvious thing.

“You love, Jess. Jess loves you. It seems pretty simple to me,” Diego continued. 

“No—fuck you,” Justin spat back angrily, running his hands through his hair.

Diego couldn’t stand it anymore, he needed to leave before the clear choice came to Justin and he was running off for Jess. He could only take one heartache at a time, but he knew Justin’s would hurt the most so he turned away, walking toward his car.

He heard Justin curse behind him, “Fuck you Torres—,” he spat before running toward Diego and pulling at his arm so that he was facing him.

“You don’t get to just walk away after everything—you hear me?” Justin practically screamed, hands coming up to cup at Diego’s face.

“Why not?” Diego said waterily, feeling his throat clog up, “I can’t give you what you had with her or what Zach and Alex have—I just can’t.”

“I don’t fucking care, okay? This is enough for me—.”

“Why? She’s waiting for you, go to her before—,” Diego interrupted before Justin hurried to get his point across.

“Because—I care about you, asshole. I fucking like you—like a lot,” Justin replied hurriedly, tightening his grip on Diego’s face and slightly shaking him as his eyes looked at him so deeply. 

“You—what?” Diego breathed out.

“Have you always been this dense? Do you really think—I wouldn’t have done half of what we did if it meant nothing to me,” he incoherently said. 

“Don’t go,” Justin said weakly, eyes glazing over.

Diego felt himself nod shakily, leaning in to capture Justin’s lips in a deep kiss. He tried to communicate all that he was feeling into the kiss—making sure that Justin knew that he felt the same in return, maybe even more. He tried to prolong the kiss for as long as possible and when they came up for air, he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Justin’s. 

“I like you too—like a lot.”

Justin chuckled waterily, pulling him in for a hug. 


	7. Blind Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiego and date night.

The next few encounters with Justin held a newfound passion and heat to it—more than Diego had gotten used. Maybe it was how before they were walking on a tightrope, no feelings really discussed so either could feign indifference but now knowing of their mutual feelings had them absorbed in everything about one another. 

He already knew where Justin was headed, he had pre-calc next to be exact—a subject that the brunette absolutely loathed and Diego thought he could ease some of the burdens. He leaned against the set of the locker’s that he knew Justin would pass by, feigning indifference at the people rushing by until he spotted said boy who was practically dragging his feet. Diego chuckled into his arm before swiftly grabbing at Justin’s hand and pulling him into the nearest classroom. 

The brunette barely had a second to yelp in surprise because Diego crowded him against the wall and swallowed the sound with his eager lips. Justin immediately groaned in response, hand coming up to slightly tugging at Diego’s hair—causing a whimper out of him. He felt Justin smile in satisfaction against his lips, and Diego teased him by crashing their hips together. Both of them choked off a moan, their teeth clacking as they tried to get more of one another, Diego sloppy and Justin clearly riled up. Before the kiss became any more heated to the point of no return, Diego forced himself to pull away. He chuckled at the thoroughly kissed look on Justin’s face, eyes half-lidded and still trained on Diego’s lips. 

He nearly gave in but instead placed a chaste kiss on Justin's neck before leaving the room. He swore he heard Justin growl in response.

* * *

The first time Justin had said it was when the two had left Cresmount for their 3 month anniversary. Justin had spewed some bullshit about how even a secret relationship deserved to be celebrated because the two of them were privy to it and though Diego feigned annoyance at the other boy’s persistence—he felt himself warm at the fact that they were in a relationship, secret or not and how Justin remembered the small things like futile dates. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t so futile since he kept track of them himself too.

In a last-minute decision they had hopped into Justin’s Prius and headed out of town toward a carnival that was supposedly being held on the local beach. They were merely passing faces to the mass of people around them and for once, Diego felt an unexpected ease wash over him—something he hadn’t felt in a long time and it gave him the strength to hold Justin’s hand without the fear of prying eyes. Justin’s smile grew at the feeling of Diego’s hand in his and he saw his eyes soften some more, regarding Diego with that look that he had run from for so long but now considered with deep appreciation. Justin was beautiful—he was never blind to that but there was something about his eyes.

He was starting to get it—starting to understand what it was about Justin Foley.

As they made their way toward the carnival, faint music could be heard from beyond the tall gates with the occasional happy scream suddenly piercing the air. Closer to the entrance, the massive structures of the rides could be seen: a rollercoaster, a big wheel, a helter skelter. Diego smiled at the way Justin’s eyes lit up in childlike wonder, gaze transfixed on the cotton candy booth just metres from the ticket booth—he knew where their first stop was.

After piling up on loads of tooth-rotting candy, eating an obligatory carnival corn-dog and abusing their ride tokens within the first hour—Justin approached a duck shot game, aim impeccable given his athletic inclination and pleasantly pleased when he won himself a giant plush bulldog. Diego placed a celebratory kiss on his lips, allowing himself a moment to appreciate Justin in a state of complete happiness and excitement—he gave himself a little kudos for being the reason behind said happiness. 

Diego raised his brow in confusion at Justin holding the plush dog toward him expectedly. 

“I won it for you, dumbass,” Justin said with fake annoyance, rolling his eyes at Diego’s cluelessness. 

Diego placed the giant bulldog under his armpit before nuzzling at Justin’s neck in thanks. Justin lightheartedly shoved him away, grasping at his hand and dragging him toward the photo booth. Diego pulled back reluctantly, not one for corny photos and Justin had dragged him into plenty as it was. 

It happened then.

“Come on, baby… when are we going to come to some random carnival in another town again?” Justin asked. 

Justin didn’t even wait for Diego’s response, unbeknownst to the way Diego was unfolding at the pet name—baby. The way it came so naturally out of Justin’s mouth to where the brunette hadn’t even realised it himself made Diego smile brightly. In an ideal world, he could get used to this. 

Before he knew it, a strong pair of arms pulled him into the photo booth. They made sure to be as corny as possible—kissing in nearly every shot and pulling goofy faces where they could. They were laughing uncontrollably by the end of it and hey—the photos weren’t so bad. Justin halved the strip down the middle, placing his portion into the sleeve inside his wallet while Diego stored his in the hidden compartment of his jaggery wallet. He still had the polaroid in his locker, strategically stashed behind a series of other photos but accessible enough for Diego to pull out whenever he wanted to. That day felt like years ago compared to the stable ground they now stood on. 

As the night went on, Diego desperately wanted to win something for Justin—the brunette being especially uncongenial by rejecting all of his suggestions and when he finally chose something, it had Diego groaning in frustration. 

“Seriously? You want that small fucking thing? What about that adult-sized dolphin?” Diego asked in disbelief. 

“Hey, don’t make fun of the innocent turtle. It’s cute and I can actually carry it around,” Justin retorted smartly. 

Diego rolled his eyes, “JJ, you’re the one that won me a giant dog.”

Justin shrugged in response only causing Diego to roll his eyes some more. Fine, he’d win him the fucking baby turtle, which was an absolute insult to his skillset given that he could’ve surely won Justin the giant dolphin but alas—the brunette wanted a turtle. How fitting. 

Once they came down from their sugar high and exhausted all their money, they decided to head back home. Diego saw the way Justin’s head lolled back and forth, wanting to claim sleep so Diego urged him to get some sleep seeing as the ride was a good 2 hours. The other boy nodded in response, lazily coming to kiss Diego before drifting off as soon as Diego hit the road—turtle clutched against his chest. 


	8. Reveal the Little Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin's POV for the next few chapter's.

He had found out during one random evening after school, the two of them basking in each other’s arms after another round of mind-boggling sex. Sex was always amazing but there was something so much more intimate and dirty yet sweet about being with a guy—they knew what their bodies desired and they could read that so easily. Diego was always full of surprises that had Justin seeing stars and given the other boy’s often needy and pitched whines—Justin could tell that he wasn’t so bad himself. 

Justin felt an easy wash of warmth fill him at the domesticity of it all. Diego’s clothes scattered across the room, his coffee cup a familiar presence in their sink, his letterman hanging off the back of a chair and his parents had even placed an extra chair around the dining table given Diego’s tendency to ‘sleepover’ after a big game or when they wanted to ‘study’—a weird _almost meeting the parents'_ ploy. At first, it felt like Diego was tracing meaningless patterns on his arms—purely lost in thought and occupying his hand but somewhere along the way, Justin thought he felt some precision and intricacy to the way his finger moved across Justin’s chest—like he was a blank canvas at the other boy’s disposal. 

He brushed it off, not letting himself think too deeply into it. But once Diego had excused himself to the bathroom, Justin saw the sketchbook lying amongst the textbooks scattered on the table—curiosity and a need to confirm his assumptions overtaking him. 

And holy fuck, Diego was better than Justin had ever expected. He never understood art in the hypernanylitcal or intuitive way that some people did but he knew what skill and expertise were and he could see the years of practice and handiwork emanating from Diego’s sketches. Justin skimmed through the book, each artwork leaving him even more breathless—he came across scenic sketches, some that he was sure was Diego’s Abuela, a couple of his cheeky baby sisters, but there was one sketch that had him especially harrowed—it was of a smiling woman, she was beautiful but her eyes were dark and confronting, almost like Diego had made her piercing eyes the focal point, she was smiling but something about the sketch was paralysing. 

He felt himself smile in complete shock and adoration—there were about a dozen sketches of Justin alone. He remembered some and struggled to remember others—there was a sketch of him smiling while devouring the cotton candy from the fair, another of his side profile grasping at the top of his football uniform, a few of him sleeping, and a slightly erotic one that had Justin blushing—his eyes were closed as his mouth was open in a slight moan, neck tight but adorned with veins. It was weird seeing himself like that but he couldn’t help but slightly growl at the way Diego saw him—the way he captured him. 

“Hey, J—,” he began, before stopping to furrow his brows at Justin in suspicion. 

Justin had heard the flush of the toilet and had immediately slammed the sketchbook shut, shoving it behind his back before leaning against the couch to feign nonchalance. 

“Hey, baby. You hungry, we could eat right—,” Justin began, leaning further into the coach as Diego made a slow approach toward him, brows still furrowed but mouth upturned into a smirk now.

Justin definitely wasn't being as inconspicuous as he had hoped. 

“What you got there, babe?” Diego asked slowly, arms bracketing Justin against the couch with no escape.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

They stared at each other for a good moment before Justin swerved under Diego’s arms in an attempt to escape but immediately being hauled down onto the couch by strong arms that were now gripping his thighs tightly as Diego came up to straddle Justin’s hips and keep him in place. Justin wouldn’t yield though and cheekily rocked at their hips, getting a moan out of Diego that gave him the opening that he needed to crash onto the floor and run into the backyard. 

Despite being an athlete, Justin was panting like a dog—looking around to prepare himself for Diego’s impending assault but couldn’t see the other boy anywhere. Of course he spoke too soon because only seconds later, a wall of muscle brought him down onto the lawn—Diego cheering in triumph as he snatched the book out of Justin’s hands. His smile dropped as he realised what he was holding in his grasp.

“What the fuck, Justin? Were you going through my stuff?” He questioned, brows furrowed in mixed anger and annoyance. 

“No—baby, I swear—I just saw it with all your other books and—.”

“And what? You just decided that you had a right to snoop?” 

“No—I, you’re really fucking good,” Justin tried to reassure him, not sure how to redeem himself for his obvious intrusion. 

Diego’s shoulder deflated as he let out a soft sigh, getting off Justin to sit on the lawn.

“I’m sorry,” Justin said softly, trying again.

Diego shook his head slightly before chuckling, “It’s fine—you didn’t see the, uh—,” he began nervously, scratching at his neck. 

“The one of me looking thoroughly fucked? Yeah, that was hot,” Justin retorted darkly, right hand slowly moving up Diego’s thigh suggestively. 

“Fuck, Justin,” Diego replied airly, eyes dark and half-lidded. 

“You can draw me like one of your French girls, any time you want,” he said lowly, not missing the way that Diego slightly gasped before chuckling at the corny reference. 

Diego pulled him in for a deep kiss.

* * *

He knew he was falling. And he knew that it would be a fast, unsteady type of _crash and burn_ fall. With Jess, it had been smooth sailing, natural and almost uncomplicated—save for all the shit load of mistakes he had made with her and everyone else over the past two years. With her, falling was a lot easier than— _this_. It wasn’t any grand revelation to him, it came to him in small bits—realising that he found himself noticing small, outwardly insignificant things about Diego that made his heart warm and gaze linger. 

He noticed the way Diego tended to speak to himself in Spanish, be it when they were studying or under his breath when Justin did something especially frustrating or when he had just woken from a nap and immediately resorted to his mother tongue, amused by Justin’s complete obliviousness or when he just wanted to rile up Justin because he knew how much it turned him on. It was the same way that he noticed Diego’s tendency to always take the window seat on the bus or the way he rubbed his right thumb over his knuckles in a back and forth motion whenever he was nervous or how even when he didn’t have his sketchbook on him, he always had a charcoal pencil in his pocket. 

It scared him how he knew that if he got Diego to smile big enough, a small dimple would appear on his right cheek and how his hair was actually more of a rich chocolate brown shade rather than a darker brown and how his eyes would always get that distant look whenever they spoke about their parents—that scared him the most because he couldn’t read him whenever it reached that point. He knew his body so well too—he knew about the trail of freckles on his lower back and the slightly protruding bone near his ankle and the way he always curled his left shoulder because it tended to get stiff. He knew so much yet not enough. 

And he was falling and as scary as it was—maybe it was okay because Diego was a good guy. Better than he let on and better than the way people knew him.

* * *

It was another mundane Friday night and Clay was nowhere to be found so Justin made sure that Diego was aware of that. They were curled up in bed, Justin’s right arm tucked under his head while his left arm was wrapped around Diego’s warm waist—his head nuzzling into Justin’s chest. The silence was a welcomed, comforting one—not needing to say anything to simply enjoy each other’s company. Just as Justin was about to drift off into a quick nap, Diego’s phone rang.

Diego looked back at him in apology before answering the call. Justin was still caught between sleep and consciousness but strained his ears enough to know that it was Diego’s Abuela on the other end. He slightly leaned up at hearing the urgency in Diego’s voice, before fully sitting up and placing a few soft kisses against his neck. Diego’s hand came up to grasp at Justin’s knee tightly, immediately filling him with a sense of unease and fear.

For those agonising 3 minutes that the call went for, an array of emotions passed over Diego’s face—barely concealed anger, then paralysing fear, then dejected acceptance before slight relief washed over his face. His Spanish was clipped and hurried, obviously worried about something going on at the other end as Justin heard Diego say the twin’s and his Dad’s name multiple times and once the call came to its end, his face was between his knees. Justin sat there with no clue about what to say or do, overwhelmed at the amalgamation of emotions that Diego had just experienced—he didn’t seem to be in any rush to leave but his distraught face had Justin worried.

“Diego, baby—is everything alright? Do you need to go?” He began softly, trying to catch his eyes. 

He felt the tremors down Diego’s back begin to calm but was washed with fear when he saw his face damp with tears, arms immediately coming up to engulf the boy in a tight embrace. Justin felt Diego go boneless against his chest, breath hitching as he softly cried into Justin’s chest. Justin could do nothing but whisper meaningless pleasantries into his ear and stroke his hair—he felt pathetic, his boyfriend was fucking distraught and he could do nothing about it.

After what felt like an eternity of being unable to ease Diego’s pain, the boy’s quivering shoulders calmed and his breath began to even out—prompting him to pull away from Justin. He looked up at Justin with those beautiful glistening hazel eyes, tears almost washing them clean, eyes that were a melt of autumn tones, fending off the winter frost. Diego kissed him with an urgency that Justin knew meant that he didn't want to discuss what had just unfolded but he couldn’t let him leave without doing all that he could to help. He pulled away.

“Diego—,” he breathed out softly, training his neck away from Diego’s insistent kisses.

“Justin,” he moaned, causing Justin to echo the sound as Diego bit down on his collarbone.

“Stop—we’ve gotta talk,” he said, immediately halting Diego’s assault on his neck. 

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” he said dismissively. 

“It didn’t sound like that nothing,” Justin pushed back, voice firm and unrelenting. 

Diego huffed, pulling away from Justin to lean against the bedhead.

“It's just—sometimes,” he began hesitantly, right thumb rubbing over his knuckles—a sign that he was nervous.

“It's okay.”

He sniffled slightly before continuing, “Like my Dad gets in these moods—don’t get me wrong, he’s the best person I know but we’ve got a lot on our plate and shit so sometimes—sometimes he drinks”.

Justin felt his breath hitch, he knew where this was going. 

“It’s to relax I guess—and most of the time it’s fine but like when days are really intense, he sometimes overdoes it and it scares my Abuela,” he continued, voice wavering slightly. 

Justin grasped at his hand tightly, feeling Diego squeeze in return. 

“And ever since my Mom—it’s just gotten worse to where he’d pass out, and spew crazy shit and even—even sometimes get like—physical,” he said quietly, eyes trained on his fingers. 

Justin felt a simmering rage brew beneath his skin. “Did he touch you?” he demanded.

Diego’s eyes immediately met his, still firm and stubborn, “You wouldn’t get it JJ—it’s not like that in our household, it’s about discipline and shit,” he continued weakly.

“Fuck discipline, did he?”

“It doesn’t matter—.”

“Of course it fucking matters!” Justin screamed, guilt immediately filling him at the way Diego slightly flinched.

“I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“Sometimes,” he replied, voice small and meek that Justin wanted to bawl at just witnessing it.

“But—I handle it, it’s a little thing here or there but he like passes out straight after—he’d never touch my Abuela or Lili or Sav and that’s what matters,” he said hardly, voice firm with that conviction. 

Justin shook his head in disgust, ashamed at himself for not knowing and heart breaking for what Diego had to endure by himself. 

“Hey, baby—look at me,” Diego said softly.

Justin looked at him slowly, eyes glazed with tears that were ready to fall.

“I’m fine—my Abuela was just worried because today he just passed out and she thought something had happened but he’s awake—he’s fine and so are my sisters, and so am I,” he said, trying to reassure Justin.

Justin could only shake his head weakly, “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

“It’s my shit—it doesn’t concern you.”

“But it does.”

Diego must’ve said it to appease Justin’s own meltdown, “Okay—I’m sorry.”

Justin cupped his cheeks firmly and looked deep into those gorgeous eyes, “You fucking come to me if shit like that happens again, okay?” He said firmly.

Diego nodded somberly, kissing at the tears that came loose from Justin’s eyes. 

“He wasn’t always like that—after my Mom died from cancer, I guess a part of him died too,” he began softly, stroking at Justin’s hair as he went on.

“I wonder what it’s like—to have a love so unconditional that you lose a part of yourself when they’re gone,” he said distantly.

“Yeah,” Justin crocked out.

He thought he was starting to understand some of that too. 


	9. Glimpse Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Justin's POV and a little about Abuelita and the twin's.

They were holed up in the library at lunch at Justin’s insistence that they needed to at least try and pass their Algebra finals, a subject that neither of them particularly excelled at—but deciding that they could help fill in the gaps for each other. 

Justin massaged his throbbing temples as he glanced at another flashcard that Clay had so kindly made for him. The numbers seemed to blur together. He blinked rapidly and pressed his forehead onto the card as if that could imprint it in his memory and ward off Diego’s distracting gaze. The other boy wasn’t even making an attempt to review any of the content, mindset on bothering Justin as much as he could. 

“Stop,” Justin groaned in annoyance. 

“What?” Diego said in fake innocence, eyes tinged with mischief as he ran his foot up Justin’s calf. 

He rolled his eyes in response, unable to suppress his small smile as he came up to rub at Diego’s ankle that was now situated on Justin’s knee beneath the table. After a couple more minutes of Diego’s pestering, Justin’s thoughts only became more groggy and incoherent. He huffed out a frustrated breath and stood up abruptly, pushing the chair back. 

“Fuck it, let’s go.”

“Finally,” Diego said, dragging the ‘l’ before coming around and putting his arm around Justin’s shoulders. 

Justin felt his smile widen, squeezing at Diego’s hand before they stalked out of the library. 

***

Neither of them felt up to doing anything too exhaustive and decided to stop at Wendy’s to grab some food before driving around aimlessly as they tended to do whenever they were lost in conversation. These moments were probably his favourite because it was almost like in the safety of the night’s darkness, Diego unveiled another layer of himself to Justin—little things that he gave away unprompted. Justin cared about the little stuff. 

It was getting close to curfew so Justin turned the car toward Diego’s place, taking the other boy home. He’d done it plenty of times and found his residence to be a more homey, cosy comparison to the multitude of detached and empty mansions he’d encountered—not that he’d ever actually been let in. They had an unspoken agreement, especially since that night that Diego had gotten the call from his Abuela—he’d drop him off a few metres from the entrance where Diego would then check his surroundings before pressing a quick kiss to Justin’s lips, it was risky but he did it nonetheless. 

But tonight seemed different. 

Justin stopped the car in his usual spot, confused by how Diego wasn’t in his usual rush to flee.

“Uh—do wanna like come in or whatever? My Dad’s not home,” he said nervously, eyes frantically moving across Justin’s face.

Justin felt himself nod eagerly, excited to finally get an inside look into the life of Diego Torres and maybe even meet the people that meant the world to him. It felt like looking in, it felt like there was more to this step then Diego let on and Justin would make sure to handle it seriously—even if he had to pretend that he wasn’t just to ensure that Diego didn’t freak out. 

***

The house was welcoming from the open door to the wide hallway. Upon the walls, there was an array of family photos hung up, each one telling a story of its own. The floor was an old-fashioned parquet with a blend of deep homely browns and the walls were the greens of summer gardens meeting a bold white baseboard. The smell of spices and cured meat wafted through the air, causing Justin’s stomach to clench in hunger despite having just eaten. 

“Abuelita, hermanas… estoy en casa,” Diego yelled from the doorway, placing his bag onto the floor and directing Justin to do the same.

He could hear Diego’s grandmother’s form striding down the hallway, “Mi hermoso niño finalmente está en casa,” she said, her smile infectious and eyes crinkled. 

Justin stood there awkwardly as Diego embraced her, exchanging formalities in Spanish that he could barely decipher. He saw the way his grandmother eyed him from the corner of her eye, smile brightening as she finally took him in. 

“And who is this handsome young man?” she asked, eyes fond and tinged with concealed wisdom. 

Diego rolled his eyes, “Abuelita, this is Justin—uh, he’s a friend from football,” he said, voice slightly wavering before filling with surety as he concreted the lie.

Justin felt his heart falter slightly before he kicked himself for being greedy—it was a lot harder for Diego.

Justin smiled brightly, hand outstretched in greeting, “It’s very lovely to meet you, you have a beautiful home.”

Diego’s grandmother immediately huffed, lightly swatting his hand away before engulfing him in a warm hug. Her petite form was fragile but grip strong around Justin’s shoulders, and he felt himself melt in her comforting embrace. He saw Diego looking at them with a small smile and with that look that always had him wondering—it was probably nothing though. 

Her wrinkled hand immediately grasped at his, tugging him toward the kitchen, “Come, you will eat now,” she said, voice leaving no room for argument. 

Justin looked back at Diego, begging for his intervention but the asshole was just chuckling at the way his grandmother dragged him around like a rag doll. 

Just when he was about to take a seat at the dining table, a stampede of small feet ran past his legs and practically crawled up Diego’s instead. 

_ “Diego, trajiste caramelos?” _

_ “Diego, quién es ese chico blanco?” _

_ “El tiene buen cabello.” _

_ “Quien es su novia?” _

Justin chuckled at the heap of questions and statements thrown Diego’s way by who were clearly the notorious  Liliana and Savannah, they were larger than life beings —that was for sure. For what must’ve been the tenth time in a minute alone, Diego rolled his eyes again—shaking the girls off his leg and demanding that they show some respect to their guest.

They slowly turned away from Diego before making their way toward Justin. He felt weirdly intimidated by the two, an air of knowingness emanating off them—kids were smarter than people gave them credit for. 

“Hi, I’m Justin—Diego’s friend,” he said, slightly unsurely. 

“Hi I’m Savannah and this is Liliana,” Savannah said curtly, she must’ve been the voice of reason. 

Justin couldn’t help but notice the strong differences between the twin’s and Diego, where he had hazel eyes, they had green ones and where their hair was an ash blonde, his was a chocolate brown. They must’ve taken on from their Dad moreso. 

The next question caught him off guard, “Do you have a girlfriend?” the other twin—Liliana asked bluntly, eyes narrowed in observation.

“Liliana!” Both Diego and Abuelita exclaimed, outraged at her bluntness. 

Justin chuckled but squirmed at the scrutiny, “Uh—no I—I don’t,” he said, looking up to smirk at Diego given the irony of his response. 

Technically, he didn’t have a  _ girlfriend _ . 

Diego just gave him a knowing look in return, shaking his head before going back to help his Abuelita with dinner.

***

Dinner with the Torres’ was amazing. The exuberant energy wasn’t just reserved for the twin's, Justin saw the way that Diego was so free and at ease around them, smile relaxed and joining in with all the revels. Justin came to know that dinner began with Abuelita saying grace for them all, followed by plates on plates of food that was devoid of the usual cutlery that he was accustomed too and continued on with the twin’s serenading them with some Spanish song that had both Diego and his Abuelita joining in. By the end of it, Justin was in fits of laughter because the twins were an absolute spectacle—currently gracing them all with their elaborate dance moves that had everyone clapping along in support. Only moments later, one of the twin’s pulled at Justin—forcing him onto their makeshift dance floor and flailing his arms around to get him to join in. He looked back to see Diego chuckling, tears in his eyes at Justin’s expense.

Hell fucking no.

Without another thought, he went toward the other boy and dragged him by the hand onto the living room floor. The twin’s cheered while his Abuelita clapped along—but then the song suddenly changed to the rattling of maracas and the beat of the bongo drum. Justin shook his head.

“You did this to yourself, Foley,” Diego teased over the music, shimming his hips suggestively.

“I can’t fucking salsa.”

“Come on, it’s easy—I’ll teach you,” he replied, hands coming up to grasp at Justin’s own. 

Justin shook his head in disbelief, completely amused by the scene unfolding—Justin Foley and Diego Torres dancing together, nonetheless dancing the salsa. It was something that Liberty’s gossip central would eat up but he could care less—he was happy. After a long time, he was really happy. 


	10. What I Wish Could Come Easily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin, Javier, and what it means to come to a realisation.

After that night, he found himself at the Torres residence more often—be it to just say a quick hello to Diego’s Abuelita and twins or to actually have study session or more often than not, it was because he was forced to stay for dinner—his Abuelita practically grabbing Justin by the ear whenever he tried to excuse his way out of it. 

Tonight, they sat at the dining table—books, half-torn study notes and an array of stationary littered across it. For once, Diego was actually making an attempt, head bowed into the textbook as he mumbled in Spanish under his breath. He must’ve been staring because only seconds later, Diego looked up from his book—Justin’s mouth twitched as he fought a smile, dropping his eyes back to the work in front of him but not quick enough for Diego to chuckle at his expense before placing a sweet, wet kiss on his cheek.

It was then when they heard the rustling of keys, and the sound of the front door being opened. Diego immediately moved away from Justin as though he had been burnt, putting an appropriate distance between them. 

“Diego, Lil, Sav, Mama!” an accented voice called from the hallway.

It was Diego’s dad. 

“Estoy en la sala de estar Papá!” Diego called back. 

Justin saw the way Diego’s thumb ran over his knuckles, right leg jittering and eyes anywhere but on Justin. Justin wanted to grab at his hands and calm his frantic motion but he could feel the soft panic settling onto his skin as his own hands became clammy and uncomfortable. He was about to meet the man that had only hurt Diego by using him as his own personal punching bag. What began as panic and fear turned into a simmering rage. He gritted his teeth together before allowing Diego’s piercing gaze to settle him.

“Qué hay para cenar y por qué hay—,” he replied, halting his sentence at seeing Justin.

“Oh—hello there, who is this, Diego?” His dad greeted Justin, smiling slightly at him before looking at Diego in question.

“This is Justin, Papa—he’s on the football team with me,” he replied, a line that Justin felt almost came naturally after repeating it so many times.

The man had the swagger of someone Justin didn’t even want to lock eyes with, let alone cross but the stance of someone dignified and resolute. His arms were more ink than skin and his blond hair so closely cropped that from a distance Justin had mistaken him for being bald. From his bright-offending neon uniform, Justin could tell that he was probably a tradesman or in construction. He smiled politely extending his hand toward the man.

“Hi son, I’m Javier,” he replied, his grip carried the same strength and sternness that he emanated.

Diego’s eyes uneasily skimmed between Justin and his dad, shoulders taut and stiff as he took in their not-so-bad first meeting—obviously relieved that Justin hadn’t punched the man on sight.

The rest of the night was the same old save for Diego’s dad being at the table with them—their intention to study overtaken by conversation and food. Every question from his father felt patronising and almost like an assessment of his character—which it probably was. Justin saw the way Diego avoided passing him unneeded glances, eyes trained on the food and inserting comments into the conversation whenever it felt appropriate. In many ways, Javier was an amicable and easygoing dude at first glance but Justin had a hard time reconciling that given how he had formed the man out to be in his head. He couldn’t wait for the dinner to be over—he just wanted time with Diego.

***

As the dinner came to its end, Justin took his leave—making up an excuse about how his parents needed him home extra early tonight when Javier insisted that he stay a little longer. He saw how Diego tensed at Justin’s obvious inability to be subtle about his dislike for the other man but Javier seemed unfazed. Diego walked him out and as soon as the front door was out of sight, Diego crowded him against the brick wall.

Justin immediately grasped at the other boy's waist, hooking his right leg around Diego's leg to keep him in place. 

“You were quiet tonight,” Justin began, eyes trained on Diego’s lips.

“There wasn’t much to say,” he replied dismissively, hands running down Justin’s back teasingly. 

At Justin’s silence, he continued, “See? He’s not that bad,” he said, obviously referring to his Dad.

Justin wasn’t convinced. 

“Yeah,” he said blankly, eyes looking behind Diego’s head to avoid his calculating gaze.

Diego gulped in reply, obviously not wanting to start something when he said, “So, I’ll see you tomorrow then?” 

That had Justin looking back at him, “I guess you will.”

Justin kissed him then, pressing his tongue to the seam of Diego’s lips and, at his grant of access, he delved inside his mouth. It was a very sloppy kiss with the strong scent of toasted paprika being exchanged in the intermingling of their billowing breaths. Justin’s arms reached up and tangled around his thick, strong neck. In an instant he pulled away and arched up into Diego’s broad chest, moaning at the contact of body heat against his own, before claiming his lips again. He felt himself melt away with every push of Diego’s tongue against his own—both of them exerting their frustration and need into the kiss. 

Justin pulled away with reluctance, feeling the way his pants had already tightened but aware that he had to actually get home and maybe give himself a minute to push away his anger at Javier. 

“Later, I gotta go,” he said airly.

Diego placed one last, hard lingering kiss on his lips, “Ok, later.”

“See you.”

“Bye.”

* * *

The urge to say it had been on his tongue for weeks now—it had officially reached 5 months and Justin was going livid with absolute desperation to just blurt it out and rip off the bandaid. He wished it could’ve been that easy—with Jess, everything was settled and it made sense to him at the moment he had realised. With Diego, the idea of love was complicated—they weren’t supposed to work, it was a moment of anxiety and the fear of death that had the other boy kissing him during the lockdown but now he had no clue. Every time that he felt like he could just say it, he couldn’t get a read on Diego because he would slightly crawl into himself—like for all that he showed Justin, he only hid more.

It hurt like a fucking bitch. He hated feeling like he couldn’t help—he hated that Diego felt that Justin wouldn’t understand or care enough. He needed to show him in some way. 

After being bored out of his mind over the weekend because Diego had been away visiting his Aunt and Clay had made it very clear that he did not want his Netflix binge-fest interrupted—Justin tried, emphasis on tried—to take up a hobby. He aimlessly scrolled through Youtube, nothing catching his attention until he stopped at a tutorial about leather bracelets. It was a rundown on how to make a leather bracelet and he thought of how Diego’s wrist tended to have a few bands and embroidered bracelets on it—some that were clearly made by his sisters. He liked that about him, how he was so family-oriented and didn’t shy away from showing it. It was also incredibly sexy and Justin immediately clicked on the video, jot down all that he needed before heading off to grab the supplies. 

After many failed attempts, he finally made a semi-decent bracelet. It was plain brown leather, braided and clasped by a metal clutch. Justin made sure to add a personal but subtle touch to it that would go unnoticed by the passing eye—it was a small metal charm with the letter J engraved on it. He contemplated its necessity for hours before reluctantly deciding that if Diego hated it then he wouldn’t have to wear it and that was okay—not that it wouldn’t hurt but he wanted him to wear it for himself, no matter how corny it was. He never imagined himself spending the better half of his Sunday afternoon making a bracelet for his boyfriend but here he was. 

It felt weirdly intimate knowing that Diego would have a constant reminder of Justin. He liked that. 

***

The next day at school, they were sitting in an empty classroom during lunch—spending most of it just making out and getting lost in each other. Diego sat in Justin’s lap, hand stroking his hair in a calming pattern that had him slightly nodding off before he came back to himself. 

They only had 10 minutes before the next class so Justin hurriedly scurried through his bag, retracting the bracelet and placing it in front of Diego’s nose. Diego leaned back, nose scrunching up in that cute way it did whenever he was confused before he looked at Justin in question.

Oh right, he should probably say something. 

“Oh—uh, I—I made this for you, I guess?” He said unsurely, almost like he was doubtful that he had made it.

“You guess?” Diego chuckled, eyes amused and teasing.

“Yeah, uh—I was bored and I had some shit lying around so I thought why not,” he said casually.

Diego raised his eyebrow, nodding his head mockingly, “Wow, who knew that Justin Foley had time to make friendship bracelets?” He taunted, smile teasing yet bright. 

“Oh, fuck off.”

He felt himself squirm slightly at the way Diego was looking down at the charm, beginning to feel like a complete idiot for adding it in—it was too much and of course Diego would find it weird. 

“J… J for Justin,” Diego said softly.

“Uh—yeah,” he said insecurely. 

Diego was still staring down at it, his silence making Justin uneasy.

“Listen—it’s stupid, you don’t have to wear it or you can or whatever.”

Diego furrowed his brows, “No—it’s—I love it,” he said softly, eyes crinkled with a softness that had Justin almost confessing. Almost.

Diego leaned in to kiss him sweetly, before clasping the bracelet around his wrist. Justin smiled at that, it felt nice to know that a part of him would be with Diego—it sounded stupid but he could care less. 

Diego seemed to have a lightbulb moment because a second later he was retracting his sketchbook from his bag.

“I—I didn’t know whether to give you this but uh—I drew something,” he said nervously, eyes flicking from Justin’s face to the cover of his book.

“It isn’t another porno sketch of me, is it?” Justin said teasingly.

Diego chuckled, relaxing slightly before he ripped the page from his book and handed it to Justin. Justin felt his breath catch and eyes begin to sting as he took in the drawing before him. It was a portrait sketch of him and his family—his Mom, Dad, Clay and himself. Diego was more inclined to charcoal but even devoid of colour, the sketch captured all their happiness—their smiles bright and warm, if anything—the black hues brought out more of the love. He chuckled waterily as he noticed the little turtle in the corner of the sketch, delicately placing the sketch down before moving up to pull Diego in for a slow, deep kiss. He felt the other boy smile against his lips.

“So you like it?” He asked with a small smile.

“I love it,” he said softly, thumb caressing Diego’s impossibly high cheekbones. 

_And I love you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could've made this fic a slower burn and I know that is disappointing for some but I honestly wrote things as they came to me and given that it took an entire month to finish, it felt like I was writing it to be like that?? Idk, the time it took made me think it was but alas, here we are - hope y'all are enjoying nonetheless.


	11. The Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego's POV and warning for... MORE SMUT!

Things were moving fast for them, or maybe they were just moving fast for him—everyday with Justin felt like a whole nother experience, it was exhilarating, calming and terrifying all at once. Sometimes he’d get so caught up in the surreality of it all that he almost felt like he was suffocating—the gazes, feelings, touches and moments just becoming too much. He could feel his composure slipping—everything about Justin just made him want to say _fuck it_ and give in to everything that he was feeling—so ready to let _that_ feeling take him over. 

It was easier to let _that_ feeling linger in the back of his heart and mind, its presence nagging and persistent—begging him to give in. If only it were that easy. 

These days felt different in some way that he couldn’t describe. Maybe it had something to do with how he was seeing less and less of Justin because the guy always came up sick—be it the flu, a pounding headache, something bad he had eaten the night before that had him spewing over the toilet or cancelling plans purely because he was tired. Somedays, Diego felt a selfish annoyance fill him—almost resenting Justin for his inability to look after himself or maybe it was an even crueller part of himself that believed that Justin had finally come to his senses and was mere moments away from pursuing Jess and was merely making excuses. He couldn’t blame him—everyone left Diego eventually, it was just how things worked. 

After not having seen the boy for a whole 3 days, Diego had enough and found himself at the Jensen’s doorstep. He was greeted at the door by Justin’s dad, who seemed almost unsurprised by Diego’s presence.

“Diego, hey—how are things?” He asked.

“Hi Mr Jensen, yeah things are great. I was just checking in on Justin—he hasn’t been at school for a couple of days.”

“Oh yeah, the poor boy has come down with the flu again. All he does is sleep, really—you can go in and see him,” he replied, opening the door to let Diego in.

Diego thanked him and denied his offer for dinner before making his way to the outhouse. He saw how the room was littered with old dishes, clothes and a heap of tissues that had missed the bin. He wanted to sigh at the mess but it was clear that Clay had pitied his brother’s frail state enough to let the room remain in its atrocious state. 

He saw Justin’s form shuffling in his bed as he approached him, body engulfed in a heap of blankets and face barely visible under his hoodie. He looked adorable. 

“JJ—baby,” he slightly cooed, running his hand down his arm softly.

Justin’s smiled first before groggily opening his eyes, “Hey,” he croaked out, sickness evident in his voice. 

He felt himself chuckle as he saw the plush turtle tightly pressed against Justin’s chest.

“I missed you,” he said, stroking at his hair knowing the way it calmed Justin.

“Missed you too, gimme a kiss,” he mumbled, eyes half-lidded but still cheeky. 

Diego figured it wouldn’t hurt him to place a quick peck on his lips, doing exactly that and noticing how Justin seemed to melt even more. He felt pathetic just sitting there and watching Justin’s obvious discomfort. 

“Get some rest, I’ll make some soup,” he said firmly, getting up to scour the kitchen drawers for the ingredients. 

“Like you could top your Abuelita’s,” he teased, smile still bright even in his groggy state.

“Oh, fuck off.”

***

20 minutes later he had made a pretty decent chicken soup—Diego always prided himself on his cooking skills given that with his Abuelita’s age came the constant tiredness and fatigue which had called him to take up many of the cooking responsibilities, eventually finding that he actually enjoyed it. Seeing as Justin had devoured the soup within a few minutes, it must not have been a total disaster. 

“Fuck, that was incredible,” Justin groaned, handing the bowl back to Diego.

He felt himself blush in response.

“He’s an artist, jock and now, cook? What else are you hiding, Torres?” Justin teased, trying to wiggle his eyebrows but failing miserably. 

Just to tease Justin a little more he said, “I’ve got a couple more tricks up my sleeve”. 

It was very clear that those tricks had nothing to do with cooking or skills in general and Justin knew it. Diego smirked at how his eyes darkened and how he shuffled in his bed uncomfortably. 

“Ugh—you bastard, I’m sick… you can’t just say shit like that,” he groaned, disappointment evident. 

He laughed before kissing his forehead, “I’ll make it up to you, don’t worry.”

Justin sighed slightly before looking at him like _that_ again—a gaze so calculating, so full of fondness, admiration, and even that word that he was still yet to entertain—sometimes it made him want to run again but most of the time it put everything into perspective. 

He wondered how things would pan out if he just went for it. 

Again, he could feel himself slipping and maybe he was okay with it.

* * *

After being holed up in bed for the better half of the week, Justin had finally recovered and Diego practically carried and dumped his ass into his passenger seat—desperate to get out and do something. Despite Justin’s pestering, he was yet to disclose where they were headed. 

“Come on, baby—tell me where we are going or I will literally scream ‘bloody murder’,” he teased, poking at Diego’s cheek with his index finger.

Diego swatted his finger away before rolling his eyes, “No one in like real life actually fucking says that.”

Justin scrunched his face in disagreement before shrugging, “Sure they do.”

“Whatever you say.”

***

When they arrived, it just appeared to be an ordinary forest with a crowd of thick and old trees but once they walked across the dense undergrowth, they came to their destination. The river was a slice of mellow harmony amid the fragrant leaves. The sky had vanished almost completely, only a few fragments of blue remained. Even after the rains had passed, the soil remained wet, slowly releasing its milky white mist. He saw the way Justin’s eyes skimmed over the landscape in awe, mouth agape and fascinated. 

“Holy fuck, where did you find this place?” He asks, eyes still taking everything in.

“Uh—my mum and I used to come down here sometimes,” he replied, smile bittersweet and voice slightly flat.

Justin squeezed at his hand, “It’s beautiful.”

Diego began to unpack their food onto the blanket, laying it out on the forest floor. He felt Justin’s amused judgemental gaze at the food he had brought, a spread of scotch eggs, fresh bread sandwiches, sausage rolls, quiche and to make it even more fancy—wine. Before he knew it, Justin was cackling. 

“Ok, yes this is very funny Mr. ‘I make cheese platters for movie night’,” he teased, feeling Justin kick at his thigh.

“Shut up, that’s family tradition,” he replied in fake offense.

“Whatever, sit down and eat your eggs,” Diego retorted, unable to conceal his smile. 

Justin’s face mirrored his, grin infectious as he grabbed at a sandwich.

***

After devouring all of the food within 10 minutes, they decided to lay down and rest for a little while—Diego’s head against Justin’s stomach as the other boy ran his fingers through his hair. He felt so calm and at peace like they were the only two people on earth with no care in the world. He could really get used to this. 

He felt an overwhelming wash of happiness fill him, immediately sitting up and looking at Justin slyly. The other boy slightly jumped at his abrupt movement, one brow raised in question. 

“Let’s go for a swim—come on,” Diego said nonchalantly, dragging at Justin’s arm.

“What! Diego—I didn’t bring a suit,” he cried out, clearly opposed to the idea.

“And? There’s literally no one here,” Diego reasoned, brows raised and practically asking Justin to argue. 

“Noooo—let me sleep,” he whined, placing his arm over his eyes.

Without a moment’s hesitation, he hauled Justin over his shoulder—chuckling at the other boy’s high pitched squeal and half-hearted demands to ‘put him down’. As soon as he made it to the edge of the river’s bank, he threw Justin in like he was a sack of potatoes before joining him. 

When the other boy came up to the surface, his mouth was agape in shock and barely concealed annoyance. Diego could barely breathe, laughter overtaking him at the bewilderment on Justin’s face. He was so absorbed in his own laughter that he didn’t see Justin’s legs wrap around his neck, pushing him under the water. Diego retaliated by grasping at his thighs and flipping him back underneath the surface.

“Okay—you’re on,” Justin chuckled, competition evident in his eyes.

Diego could only smile back in response. They messed around in the water for a good couple of minutes, panting in exertion but smiles infectious and bright as they enjoyed the feeling of simply being together. Somewhere along the way, they had stripped themselves of their shirts and pants—leaving them both in their boxers.

Their noses brushed against each other as they bobbed in the water, Justin’s hot breath fanning over his face as neither went in for a kiss but the close proximity and tension in the air making Diego feel electric. Fuck, Justin had a way of making him feel so much all the time. It was exhausting and satisfying all at once. 

After a couple of minutes of staring into each other’s eyes, Diego leaned in and kissed Justin softly.

He felt himself instantly melt against Justin’s body. He wrapped his arms around Justin’s neck, drawing him closer as he kissed him back. Justin complied and dropped his hands to Diego’s waist.

They kissed like this for a while, slowly and lazily like they had all the time in the world.

Justin eventually pulled back and smiled at Diego, his eyes so warm and bright and full of one particular emotion that made Diego’s heart stutter even after being intimately acquainted with it for months now but yet to allow himself to indulge what it was. “See something you like?” Diego drawled, knowing full well that Justin could see right through his facade.

Justin chuckled and brushed a stray lock of hair from Diego's forehead. “Yeah,” he answered, his voice so heartbreakingly open and sincere.

Diego wasn’t great with words so he responded in the best way he knew how: he pulled Justin in for a hungry kiss, pouring all his emotions into it.

Justin moaned appreciatively and opened his mouth invitingly. Diego happily plunged his tongue in, relearning the shape of his mouth. Justin’s teeth grazed Diego’s tongue as he bit his bottom lip and lightly tugged at the skin before releasing it. Diego groaned and kissed him back with the same ferocity.

Diego moved his hands further down Justin’s waist and cupped his arse. He broke their kiss and saw how Justin’s beautifully swollen pink lips opened in awe. It felt right, he wanted to go there but only if Justin was sure. He looked at Justin for a while, taking in the boy’s alluring green eyes that always had him hypnotised. 

Justin broke the silence, “Baby… what do you want?” he asked softly, eyes dark and slightly impatient. 

He leaned in and brushed his lips against Justin’s ear, making him shiver. “I want you like in me” he whispered, his voice low and suggestive but tinged with anxiety.

He heard Justin moan at that, drawing his head back, “Really? Fuck—.”

“Yes—I’ve wanted you for so long,” Diego moaned in response, feeling the way Justin’s tightened against his chest.

Justin eagerly nodded in response, “We’ll go slow.”

Diego felt his heart falter at how Justin never failed to say or do the right things—he always prioritised Diego’s comfort and it was overwhelming to even consider.

Justin suddenly hoisted Diego up and pressed him up against the rocks near them. His erection brushed against Diego’s arse and Diego let out a gasp as he automatically wrapped his legs around Justin’s waist. Justin was staring up at him with something dark and hungry in his eyes but his face still emanated that ever-present softness. It made Diego want to surrender, to let him have his way. Let Justin take and take and take.

“Ready?” he asked, breathlessly. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”

Diego nodded in agreement, heart stammering in excitement, anxiety and his complete cluelessness but he trusted Justin to guide him through it. 

Justin grinned and reached into his pant’s pockets on the rock before retracting a bottle of lube. Diego chuckled in disbelief, trust Foley to come prepared. 

“Someone had plans,” he said teasingly.

Justin rolled his eyes before slicking up his fingers, “I always come prepared,” he replied smartly. 

Justin looked at him with those star eyes again before kissing him softly, “Ready? I’ll go slow.”

He let out a wavering breath before nodding. 

Holding Diego up with one hand, Justin reached around him with the other and gently pressed one finger against Diego’s hole. Diego felt himself clench up at the unfamiliar presence, before feeling pleasant shivers trickle down his body at the lewd feeling of Justin’s finger in him. He hissed slightly, the first breach burning and feeling uncomfortable.

Justin saw his discomfort and immediately pulled out, “Baby—I’m sorry, are you okay?” He asked, brows furrowed in concern.

Diego moaned at the loss of contact, “Fuck, Foley—I’m fine just go slow.”

Justin’s finger hesitantly made its way back, the slick coldness of the lube allowing him to finally breach Diego—he felt himself moan at the feeling, initial discomfort being replaced by pleasure. Diego thrust down in desperation for more causing Justin to let out a mixed moan and chuckle. 

He kissed Justin, slowly and filthily, as he lazily moved his hips in time to the thrust of Justin’s finger.

Once Justin had graduated to three fingers, Diego moaned, “Now, Justin. Fuck, I need you in me now.”

Justin pulled his fingers out, leaving an emptiness in Diego that was soon replaced by the head of his cock. They shifted into a better position and Justin gazed at Diego with heavily dilated pupils that nearly blocked out the green in his eyes. He licked his lips. “Alright?” he breathed out.

“Yes, fuck, yes."

Justin smirked and gradually slid into Diego, inching himself in more as Diego felt himself ease as the line between pleasure and pain blurred. Diego tightened his grip on Justin’s neck and forced his breathing to remain even. They both waited as Diego’s body adjusted to the sensation of being filled. He finally nodded and Justin shifted, pulling out almost all the way through before thrusting in again, tantalizingly slow.

Diego scrambled to grip the scratchy rocks behind him with one hand, tilting his head back with his eyes closed as his body opened up to Justin, inch by inch.

It felt so fucking good that Diego swore he would pass out then and there. He felt safe and desired and everything else he once thought was unattainable to him. Complete. Justin made him feel whole. 

Justin nipped and sucked on his neck as he fucked him slowly, his cock brushing against Diego’s prostate at every other thrust and making his veins erupt like fireworks. Diego moaned and squeezed his legs around Justin’s waist more tightly, trying to take in as much as he could. He let go of the rocks and wrapped his hand around his cock, stroking in time with Justin’s thrusts. “Feels so good,” he murmured, his words slurring together. “Fuck, don’t stop.”

Justin swallowed his moans in a deep kiss. “Never,” he whispered against Diego’s lips.

Eventually, he felt Justin shudder and increase his pace. He bit down harder along Diego’s neck. He was definitely going to regret this in the morning, as he’d have to steal some of his Abuelita’s ancient concealer to hide the marks, but right now the only thing his body wanted was to be marked up so he could show the whole goddamn world whom he belonged to.

“Diego,” Justin groaned, his thrusts becoming erratic now. “I can’t, I—”

He trailed off into a gasp as Diego clenched around him. “Let go, Justin,” he panted, “Come for me, baby.”

Justin spilled himself inside Diego with a hoarse cry that Diego greedily swallowed down in a hard kiss, keeping it all for himself.

Justin slumped forward, dropping his forehead on Diego’s shoulder and breathing heavily. Diego brushed his hair with one hand and stroked his arm with the other, whispering soothingly to him. After a few moments, Justin turned his head to kiss Diego’s palm, moving his lips up his arm and over the faint but nevertheless visible hickies. He raised his head and smirked at Diego. “Your turn,” he slightly growled.

Diego winced as Justin pulled out of him, leaving him raw and empty and still achingly hard. “You’re damn right it’s my turn—”

He yelped when he was suddenly lifted out of the river and dropped onto the uncomfortably warm undergrowth of the forest. Justin immediately followed, forcing Diego to shuffle backwards on his elbows. “Justin, what are you—”

Justin lifted Diego’s legs and rested the back of his knees on his shoulders before bending down and swallowing his cock until it hit the back of his throat. Diego threw his head back with a gasp and his fingers scrabbled for purchase on the ground. “Fuck! Justin—oh!”

He could not only hear Justin chuckle but feel the vibrations of it against his cock as Justin bobbed his head, licking and sucking like he was going to die without Diego’s cock in his mouth.

Diego certainly knew he would die if Justin didn’t keep going. Everything felt so fucking good.

He gasped when he felt Justin’s fingers, still wet and slick, press into him. His hips nearly bucked off the ground but Justin’s firm grip on his waist kept him tethered. Justin let go of his cock with an obscene ‘pop!’ and Diego groaned.

“Fuck, if only you could see yourself, baby,” Justin exhaled. His fingers fucked into Diego harder, setting an unforgiving pace against his prostate that made Diego see stars. “Getting off on just my fingers—you’re so beautiful.” Justin’s lewd boldness had him moaning unceremoniously, high on over sensation and the feeling of Justin everywhere. 

Diego raised his head and his clouded eyes met Justin’s dark, dark green ones. He felt vulnerable and safe all at once under Justin’s burning gaze. “Please,” Diego moaned, arching his back when Justin scissored his fingers, stretching him beyond his limit. It was too much, surely, but his body still screamed for more. 

“P-Please, JJ—”

Justin raised his head again, bypassing his cock. Diego's eyes nearly rolled to the back of his head as Justin’s tongue pushed into his mouth, while his fingers kept up their unrelenting pace. “A- _ah_! Justin, I’m—”

Justin crooked his fingers and something in Diego snapped. He came with a scream that would surely frighten anyone within a 100-metre radius. His world became white and Justin was his only anchor.

When he finally opened his eyes, it was to Justin grinning down at him. “You alright, baby?” He brushed his hand down his chest and to his stomach, which was sticky with come. He raised his hand to his lips and, after making sure that Diego was watching him, sucked two fingers into his mouth.

Diego’s cock gave a valiant twitch of effort. “Foley, you bastard,” he groaned.

Justin chuckled and leaned down so his lips could brush against Diego’s ear. “Next time, do you want to see how long I can hold my breath underwater?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys be brainlessly in love and what about it?


	12. It's Me, Trying to Get Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning... more smut, I seriously didn't know that I wrote this much but I swear it's the last time. Goes from Diego's POV, to Justin's and then back to Diego lol. 
> 
> An argument, and what it means to have such a hold on someone.

There was only ever Justin, the feeling of his skin, hot breath, blinding smile and that look. After the day in the forest, they fucked incessantly—once, twice sometimes even three times a day but Diego still couldn’t get enough of it. He was addicted, the high and pleasure so unlike anything he had ever felt, it was like being on a whole nother level. Every touch, kiss, bite, lick had him livid and had him giving himself to Justin so easily. They hadn’t really talked about who would be doing what to who and when they kind of just went with it and most of the time it was Justin undoing him from the inside.

But tonight was different because Diego wanted to be in control. 

***

When Diego had nervously asked if he could take Justin tonight—Justin had almost unfolded at the thought of it. He loved being inside Diego but had been craving the feeling of what it would feel like to have the boy he loved inside of him. Fucking finally. 

Justin’s mouth watered, his brain frantically trying to memorize the slender length of his cock, precum beading at the tip even as Justin watched. He shivered hard, shifted to lean on his forearms, perking his rear up for Diego’s access. He was already thoroughly prepped, so eager that he had slicked himself up for Diego, pleased at the way the other boy had fawned in wonder as his eyes only darkened at the lewd sight of Justin opening himself up. 

Diego’s hands roamed over his ass, squeezed the pert globes of flesh, and then took hold of his hips as he stepped between his legs and leaned over him. The first contact of Diego’s cock sliding along his crack made Justin gasp, made him start frantically rocking his hips, his eyes wide and his need skyrocketing. He wanted in ways he'd never wanted before now that he had Diego’s dick pressed to his ass.

"Please," Justin finally gasped out, his hands fisting in the covers in front of him. He wanted this. Wanted Diego buried to the hilt inside him. He wanted his first time with a guy to be like this. Right here, right now, with Diego’s desire in the air and Diego’s warm body right behind him, just like this.

"Please what?" Diego’s voice was a rumble, his body pressed to Justin’s back, his weight heavy and welcome.

"Fuck me," Justin nearly whined out. Diego’s chuckle burst something inside him and instantly Justin was desperate. His hips jerked and his breathing became something alike to that of an asthmatics. 

"So needy," Diego murmured, pressing his mouth to Dick's shoulder and slowly rubbing his chin and cheeks there, making Justin groan in frustration. "Think you can take it? Just like this?"

Justin nodded frantically and Diego’s smile was something Justin could feel against his shoulder. One hand left his hip and then Diego’s cock was pressing against his entrance. Pressing and pressing and then breaching. Justin gasped, everything in him buzzing as Diego’s cock began to slowly press up inside him. This was it. This was him losing his first real-time to Diego right here in his empty bedroom.

Justin’s ass slowly stretched around Diego’s length, letting him in and in and in. He felt splayed open on his prick, stretched wider than he'd ever been before. He felt full and right and his muscles jumped as he did his best to relax around him and stop gripping him so hard it had to hurt.

Diego’s fingers worked over his hips and his lower back, thumbs massaging and fingertips caressing. His lips rubbed over Justin’s shoulder and back and then Diego was moving, his cock slowly pulling and then pushing quickly back in and Justin couldn't stop the way he whined. He couldn't stop how his cock strained and how his entire body felt like he was going to burst. He was going to cum and it was going to happen far too soon.

He was on an inexplicable high, so overwhelmed yet satiated by the feeling of everything—Diego. 

Diego’s cock pulled nearly all the way out and slid back in, spearing up inside Justin’s body better than Justin’s fingers had ever done. His insides quivered and his hips canted, something he couldn't have stopped if he'd tried. Precum dribbled from his cock down onto the comforter. Diego’s fingers tightened on his hips, his breath whispering across Justin’s back. "You're close, baby. Tell me what you need."

Justin absolutely whined, his entire body trembling as he panted out, "Fast, fast for a few seconds."

Diego’s fingers gripped his hips, held him still, and then he was thrusting up into him quick enough Justin was jolting forward and being yanked backwards onto Diego’s dick with every movement. Their union grew in volume, the sharp slap of skin-on-skin in the air, and Justin choked on a moan, desperately trying to hold it back as his cock swelled the last little bit, his balls tightening up against his body, hot and warm and full. With a final aborted jerk of his hips, Justin began to cum, his entire body tightening down and then starting to spasm as he lost it, a sharp cry leaving him with the first spurt of his cum across his comforter.

He was cumming. Cumming on Diego’s cock.

"Holy shit, feels so good," Diego murmured against his back, his hips starting to move faster, fucking Justin’s hole harder and faster than before, heading toward his own end at a rapid pace. Their sex grew louder, both of them gasping and moaning and Justin letting out half-spoken words, cries at the sheer pleasure of it all, and then Diego was burying himself deep inside him, their bodies tightly melded, and Justin began to feel the throb of Diego’s cock as he emptied himself inside Justin’s passage.

Together, they shuddered, and it was Diego who moved first, slowly pulling out and turning to lay on the bed beside Justin, waiting patiently until Justin got himself turned onto his side and only then did he reach for him, resting his hand on Justin’s upper thigh, skin-to-skin.

Justin stared up at him, a pleased little smile on his lips and Diego watched him, looking content. He wanted to tell him how good that was, how his life had only gotten better since he kissed him that day during the lockdown, how things made no sense and all the sense with him, how he would surely fall apart without him and the scariest of them all—how much he fucking loved him. 

But he’d hold onto the last thought for a little longer.

* * *

Their good days always outweighed their bad but that’s not to say that they didn’t have their fair share of problems. Diego didn’t even properly remember what the fight had been about, to him it was just Justin in a mood and trying to rile him up over nothing. Whereas, Justin claimed that he had apparently been flirting with the new girl that had really been pestering him all day at school—despite making it very clear to her that he wasn’t interested. Justin knew that and Diego didn’t understand what it was really about. 

“Babe—come on, it wasn’t like that,” Diego remarked in outrage.

“So, she wasn’t fucking feeling you up against the lockers?” Justin screamed back.

Diego scoffed in response, feeling himself about to explode at Justin’s stretch, “What the fuck, I was just telling her to back off,” he tried to reason, bringing his volume down when he heard it rise.

Justin clearly wasn’t convinced, “Yeah, whatever.”

Diego needed to fix this, he went to grab at Justin’s hand but the other boy just shoved him away in response.

“Justin—what the fuck.”

“Do you wanna fuck her?” Justin asked crudely, question catching Diego off guard.

“No—what the fuck is up with you, why are you being like this?” Diego demanded, trying to catch Justin’s eyes.

“It was just a question.”

“Yeah, well fuck you and your fucking question—tell me what’s really wrong,” he demanded bluntly.

“What’s wrong is that you—you would fucking,” he began before running his hand over his mouth, hesitating with his next words.

“I would what?” Diego dared, asking him to say exactly what he thought of him. 

Clearly that was all the push that Justin needed because his next words had Diego frozen in place.

“You would fuck her if it meant that no one would find out that you like cock,” he said cruelly, eyes harsh before regret-filled them at the way Diego flinched back. 

“Diego—,” he began quietly, voice hesitant and slightly wavering.

“Fuck you, Justin! You have no fucking clue what it’s like—you try spending a day in that house, fuck you—you absolute piece of shit,” he spat back, anger and Justin’s implications piercing at him. 

“Diego—baby, please, I’m sorry—I didn’t,” he began, eyes filling with tears.

Diego grabbed at his jacket from the bed, relinquishing his arm from Justin’s offending hold and slamming the door on his way out. 

Of course, that’s what he thought of him, a cheater that would only save face. Maybe in many ways, he wasn’t wrong but it hurt to be reminded of just how little people thought of him. 

He thought that would’ve been the worst part of his night—he was so wrong.

***

He went home and completely blocked out everything—the sound of calls and texts that were surely from Justin were now a muffled inconvenience. That fight or whatever the fuck it was was the first real thing between them that had not ended in amicable apologises and soft kisses. His chest was raw from crying into his pillow, eyes taut and uncomfortable at the constant rubbing—having to be too sure that he wasn’t loud in case his sisters, Abuelita or God forbid, his dad found him. 

His phone wouldn’t shut up—he was sure that Justin had stopped bothering him like a good hour ago but now his ringtone was incessantly blaring with an urgency that demanded his attention. He huffed in annoyance before checking to see who it was. 

It was Jensen, as in Clay Jensen. 

There was only one reason that Jensen would be calling him—they were not friends, only acquaintances that had found a steady ground to walk on given Diego’s constant presence around Justin in the past couple of months. It had to be about Justin, and Diego felt his heart pick up in fear.

“Jensen—what’s wrong?” He demanded, getting straight to the point.

“Diego—it’s Justin, he’s like—fuck, he’s in one of those pre-spiral states and I’m fucking worried—he’s been doing so well but then you left and—,” Clay began incoherently, words spewing into one. 

“What? He was fine—I mean we got into a disagreement, what the fuck do you mean—pre-spiral?” he asked harshly, breathing becoming slightly erratic at being responsible for Justin’s next potential relapse. 

Clay shuddered on the other side of the line, “Man—you just need to get here, he keeps mumbling your name and I can’t get through to him—he’s completely out of it, hurry the fuck up,” Jensen cried, voice wavering.

“I’m on my way.”

He shakily put on his jacket, allowing himself a second to press at the new tears lining his eyes before jumping into his car. He had never driven faster in his life. 

***

When he arrived, Justin was huddled up around a stack of blankets, hoodie around his face in that way it was whenever he wanted to hide but this time—Clay’s head rested on his shoulder, arms tight around his brother’s waist like Justin would disappear if he loosened his grip. And maybe he would. 

Clay’s head raised slightly at seeing Diego at their door, slightly retracting his grip and whispering to Justin like he was a mere child—the other boy’s eyes looked so distant and empty that Diego wanted to cry himself apart at the sight of it. 

“JJ—Diego’s here, I’m going to let go now,” he whispered slowly, eyes trained on Justin’s face which slightly quipped up to look up at Diego—the familiar green slowly returning. 

Diego didn’t care anymore—about any of it. Because at that moment Justin was at his lowest and Diego had been responsible for it, the guilt and ache clawed at his heart. He immediately went to engulf Justin’s shaking form into a tight embrace, peppering his face with light kisses and whispering watery apologises into his ear. He saw the way Clay's eyes widened at their clear familiarity and turn of events—clearly something more than friendly going on between his brother and his best friend. It seemed like late realisation filled the other boy’s eyes, a small smile on his face before he nodded at Diego, leaving the room to give them some space. 

Justin’s frost cold hands clutched at Diego’s shirt like a lifeline, choked sobs dampening his neck. It only made him clutch at the other boy tighter, feeling his own tears fall at Justin almost slipping because of him—he never knew that he had such a hold on the other boy and that scared him. 

“I got you—I got you, baby,” he croaked out weakly, trying to be strong but failing miserably. 

“I—I—I’m sorry, Diego—I didn’t mean it,” Justin cried into his shoulder, voice so full of pain and remorse.

That sound pulled at his heartstrings, immediately placing a kiss on Justin’s forehead in response, “I know, baby—I know, I’m so sorry for leaving.”

“Don’t go,” his voice so immersed with emotion, taking him back to that night on the field. 

“Never—I won’t, not anymore.”


	13. What Comes Does Not Come Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but an important one. Also, Abuelita deserves the world.

After that terrifying night, Diego made sure to kiss Justin a little longer, hold him a little tighter, make him laugh a little more so he got to see those gorgeous eyes twinkle and that beautiful crooked smile and make him feel infinite amounts of pleasure when they were lost in each other’s heat and skin. It felt like he had finally found some purpose, something more to give himself to so completely and without regret. Being with Justin, talking with Justin, getting to know the little things about him—it had made Diego feel whole in a way that he had never felt. Every day wasn’t so meaningless anymore and he was slipping without resistance. 

He started entertaining the thought more often than not over the past few weeks—wondering what it would be like to just say it, to let it dissipate into the air but see how it’s presence would linger heavily or maybe it would be an entire shitshow and he would regret it immediately because Justin’s eyes would grimace back at him—the feeling not reciprocated, Diego not meaning anything to him at all. He feared the latter but the fear was only becoming more tiring because every day—Justin would look at him like that again and Diego almost believed that there was something there—something more. 

It finally came to the surface that night and instead of squalling its overwhelming nature, he let himself wallow in something that felt so foreign, so new, so incredibly terrifying but so right. They were at Diego’s place for the afternoon, deciding on a lazy-hang inside kind of afternoon with no plans but to enjoy each other’s company. It somehow always came to that whenever he was around Justin—thorough and glamorous outings not something they cared much for. What they had was enough, they didn’t need to be flashy about it—not that the occasional date and fancy dinner wasn’t nice but—Diego liked the easy feel of domesticity that they had come to unconsciously establish. 

While Diego helped his Abuelita prepare dinner for the night, Justin was laid out on his stomach on the living room floor with Savannah, helping her finish off another colouring worksheet at her insistence. The twins had quickly taken to Justin and Diego wasn’t surprised, he was good with kids and it was weirdly endearing to see the way his sisters relentlessly demanded that Justin be over for dinner or pestered Diego with questions about when he’d be over next because they wanted to see ‘Justy’. Justin wasn’t innocent either, constantly spoiling the two with candy or endless gifts or playing games with them at their insistence. 

He can't help but watch them. Justin was so comfortable and at ease—radiant smile plastered on his face as he lightly tickled Savannah, her pitched and intoxicating laughs filling the room, as she half-heartedly tried to push Justin away. The next second, Liliana appeared out of another room, probably being beckoned by the duo’s obvious fun before throwing herself onto Justin’s back, chubby arms coming around his neck. The living room was now overflowing with pitched laughter and emanated so much warmth and happiness that Diego had to turn away at the sight of it all, only to find Abuelita's knowing expression in his peripheral view. 

His Abuelita was beautiful, in youth and in age—he knew that and old photos weren’t the only confirmation. Her eyes still maintained that youthful glee, hair only silvering at its roots—somehow maintaining it’s deep obsidian colour, and face wrinkled in all the right places but not enough to place a definite age on it. She was often mistaken for much younger than she actually was and in many ways—she was, be it her mind or heart, she had a way of always surprising him, like now.

“No type of love is every wrong, mi querido,” she said softly, calloused yet soft hands coming to cup his cheeks fondly. 

He felt himself chuckle, as his eyes stung slightly. Of course, she knew, and of course, she knew even before him. She was perceptive like that, always somehow one step ahead. He felt himself take in a shaky breath at finally having someone tell him that it was okay—that what he was feeling wasn’t abnormal or sinful or downright wrong. Everything he felt for Justin unlocked at that moment, he finally let himself feel that love—that love that was so all-consuming, calming, petrifying, warm and cold all at once. 

He gulped shakily, nodding slightly as her eyes looked back at him with so much unconditional love and fondness. 

“He is a good boy,” she continued, turning her head to look back at Justin and the twins with a bright smile.

“Yeah, yeah he is.”

Her words always tended to gently guide him to his own conclusion, to a decision that he felt like he owned, or at least had a part in crafting and at that moment, he had made that decision that had been haunting him for so long.

He loved Justin Foley-Jensen and he was okay with it.


	14. Maybe It'll Be Ours Someday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Football and locker rooms.

You could feel the adrenaline from the pitch to the stands, flowing right around the stadium. It was the sort of tension people craved because it came right before the elation. There was something about that, the possibility of joy rather than the certainty that made it all so much fun. The Tigers were leading by one point but the other team was on their tail, 5 minutes until they either claimed the championships or drew—and they weren’t aiming for the latter. 

The sweat trickled down Diego’s back, free-flowing like condensation on a windowpane, it beaded on his forehead and dripped from his chin. He could see the way the rest of the team was exhausted but eyes still narrowed with determination—not about to let themselves loose to the other team. Zach was erratically yelling plays in that coded way they tended to do, demanding that they get the ball to him but was blocked by the array of bulls marking him from the other team. Somehow the ball had made it into his grasp prompting him into a sprint while swerving past the other team and making it to the halfway line. He saw Zach open and immediately threw the ball toward his captain, watching the way it effortlessly skimmed the air and made it into his outstretched hands. Only seconds later, they had won—Zach nailing the winning try. 

The crowd roared, his teammates beamed with expressions of mixed joy and shock, serenading Zach and Diego with uncontained praise and suffocating hugs. Just as Zach was about to make his way to the stands, Luke hauled him onto his broad shoulders, the team huddled around him, thundering voices chanting war cries and bouncing around with palpable excitement as they hailed their star player. Diego immediately searched the sea of dirty, sweaty faces for Justin —the other boy’s gaze already on him with a cheshire-like smile, he was beaming and he was beautiful. They immediately made their way over to each other, chests slamming into each other as their arms wrapped around the other tightly. Whether they held each other longer than what was friendlily appropriate went unnoticed by Diego because he was deliriously happy—happy to be in that moment with Justin, his boys and with his family watching on. He saw the pride in his Papa’s eyes, yet to cease his incessant cheering and clapping while his Abuelita beamed and threw him kisses—the twins using the crazed atmosphere to their advantage by stomping on the bleachers in excitement. 

Diego felt the way Justin slightly brushed his lips against Diego’s neck as he pulled away, smirk firmly in place at what he had obviously done. Diego could only roll his eyes and squeeze at the other boy’s shoulders in response. Somewhere along the way, Zach had made his way away from the parade of affection and toward the stands, pulling in Alex for a sweet but long kiss that had the team bellowing encouraging cheers and the audience eliciting a mixture of shocked curses and surprised gasps. They looked so happy, so content and so free but Diego didn’t miss the way that his Papa had stiffened at the sight, eyes stubbornly avoiding the scene unfolding only metres away from him. Diego ignored the stinging sensation and found Justin’s eyes looking at him knowingly, fondness so apparent and strong. Diego felt Justin’s shoulder press into his own—knowing that he also so strongly craved what Zach and Alex had but was somehow okay with this little, private thing that Diego gave him. 

He hoped that his smile in return communicated all the love and gratitude that he felt for Justin—even if the other boy couldn’t decipher the former. When Justin smiled back at him even brighter, he felt like he knew enough and that was okay. 

Maybe someday they could have something like that. Someday.

* * *

Was it possible to be in the honeymoon stage of a relationship when your counterpart had no awareness of it? Either way, that was how the last couple of weeks had felt to Diego. Once he had come to the realisation, once he had let the love fill his heart and soul so completely—everything felt lighter. Sometimes he was so tempted to just throw Justin over his shoulder and get them far away from the suffocating feeling of prying eyes and ears—away from the taunts, the judgement and his Papa. He knew that they weren’t being as careful as usual—stealing kisses mere seconds after the last person had left the room or smiling at each other a little too intimately or making out openly in the empty change rooms where anyone could’ve walked in at any second. The danger of it all was another high that Diego failed to let go and of course it would come back to haunt him. 

Justin had him pinned against the lockers of the change rooms—hands skimmed up his very bare sides as a naked chest pressed up against him, and the sound that left Diego’s mouth was less than manly. 

He let the brunette press his hands against the locker, kisses falling all over his shoulders and chest. A tongue swiped at the water drops that littered his skin, fresh out of the shower and Diego hissed at the sensation. Justin’s hands left his own, smoothing down his chest to massage at his stomach. Diego let his head fall between his arms, eyes glued to the contrast of Justin’s pale hands against his own tanned skin. Slender fingers traced back up his body to pluck and roll his nipples, forcing Diego to bite down on his lip as the sound of distant laughter filled his ears. This was perhaps their most risky endeavour yet—the team having barely left before they had lost themselves in each other and the sound of potential incomers becoming more of a reality. He was terrified but so lost in Justin. 

Diego bit his lip harder, suppressing a groan as Justin slid slender fingers under the towel around his waist and around his cock, stroking him until he was completely hard. Diego’s fingers curled roughly around Justin’s shoulders, eyes screwed shut. The brunette slid a thumb against the head, forcing a moan from Diego’s tight lips. He saw the way Justin’s eyes hazed over at the sound, immediately capturing Diego’s lips in for a rough kiss. Just as Diego was about to treat Justin in return, the sound of incoming feet had them scattering away from one another. 

Diego’s heart rate was beating erratically, face so clearly awash with fear that it had Justin embarking to comfort him despite their clear need for proximity. His palms were sweaty and the adrenaline coursing through his system had shut down his ability to think logically. Lucky for them, it was just Zach and the guy had that goofy grin that only confirmed that he was just as clueless as he was a minute ago. 

“Oh—hey guys, I was just grabbing my boots,” he said, making his way past them and toward his locker.

Diego felt his heart calm slightly, body still on high alert but not enough to spare Justin a quick glance—the other boy looking back at him with slight amusement. 

Diego rolled his eyes before regarding Zach, “Oh yeah sure—how’s Standall?” He asked, feeling himself cringe at his question—he and Zach weren’t close like that and the way the bigger guy’s shoulders slightly tensed up was only another indication. Luckily, Justin saved him. 

“Yeah—isn’t it date night, tonight?” Justin continued knowingly, obviously aware of this supposed date night that Zach and his boyfriend probably regularly embarked on. 

Zach beamed, “Oh yeah—it’s nothing, we’re just going to the Cresmount and then we’ll probably grab some dinner on the way home.”

“Well, have fun and we’re still on for tomorrow, right?” Justin replied.

“Of course, man and thanks—see you J,” he replied back, nodding at Diego amicably before leaving.

“That was fucking close,” Diego chuckled, somehow taking it better than he should’ve been.

“No shit.”


	15. Bound to Get Burnt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW - homophobic f slur, and explicit physical assault. 
> 
> Things are bound to come crashing down, no matter how hard you try to prevent it.

Like Diego had said, it would all eventually come back to haunt him and it just so happened to go down in the worst way possible. 

It wasn’t a new occurrence for his Papa to scour through Diego’s wallet whenever he was in his drunken stupor, desperately searching for loose change to go out and exchange it for some cheap booze. Once Diego had come to the realisation, wallet becoming more conspicuously empty despite having had money in it only a few hours prior—he made sure to keep his cash stored on himself, be it in the pocket of his pant’s or in the compartments of his bag. Anywhere that his Papa wouldn’t have easy access to and for the most part it had worked.

Tonight was different though, in a stroke of luck—Abuelita and the twins were at his Aunt Lucia’s house for the weekend and that ensured that they were far away from his Papa’s drunken stupor. He thoroughly resented his Papa for how he would condemn his own mother and daughters to the scary sight of his moody and often angry drunk-self. He was an absolute mess and it scared the shit out of them all—his actions being something of spontaneity and always keeping them on edge. When Diego could smell the booze reeking across the room on his worst days—he made sure to get Abuelita and the twins to the nearest relative or in the worst cases, to their neighbour's house. 

His Papa had been incessantly searching the draws upon his hurried and chaotic arrival home, staggered and swayed steps indicating his inebriation. After being unable to get an answer out of his Papa as to what he was looking for, Diego retreated back to his room—getting changed to go over to Justin’s, he couldn’t deal with this tonight. He just couldn’t. 

It wasn’t until he patted his backside, and felt the emptiness. He sighed, realising that he had left his wallet on the kitchen bench—bothered at having to now maneuver past his Papa’s drunken haze. 

And that’s where everything had gone to absolute shit.

Only moments later he came to encounter his Papa’s rigid, stiff form firmly gazed onto something thrown atop the dining table. Diego’s initial hurried steps changed to slow, hesitant ones—feeling his heart pick up at his Papa’s bone tight grip around the chair. When he saw what was atop the table, he was incapacitated with fear—unable to quell the way his hands had begun to shake and how his heart pounded so incessantly. 

His wallet was now carelessly thrown aside, all of its contents either scattered across the kitchen bench or on the floor—save for that one thing atop the table. He was a fucking idiot—he knew the way his Papa tended to lurk through his wallet, it was only a matter of time. At that moment, death would have been a mercy.

On the table was the photo strip of he and Justin from their date at the carnival all those months ago—months before he had truly realised just how much his heart had been taken by the other boy. The image was so confrontingly harrowing—their close proximity, gazes and worst of all—the easy kiss between them in the last image relinquishing the entire premise of a mere ‘close friendship’. There wasn’t any denying what was between them—nothing could save Diego from his father’s wrath. He had done this to himself. 

His Papa was shaking like a leaf—anger and malice vibrating through the room like an uncontainable beat. All hell broke loose then. 

“Papa, I—I can explain,” Diego began weakly, voice wavering as he shook without relent. 

“You can fucking explain? You—you vile, fucking piece of shit,” he spat, words slurred but eyes so firm with a fury of rage and disgust. 

“Papa—,” Diego cried, feeling the tears fall unceremoniously.

“You’re a faggot, huh? You and that Justin, just a friend from football you said—,” he screamed, making his approach toward Diego.

Diego flinched at the word, backing himself against the wall at his father’s approach.

“I—.”

"You fucking faggot! You fucking piece of sinful scum, I didn’t fucking raise you like this! I’m going to kill—,” he yelled, slamming his fist against the wall where he had Diego pinned. 

He couldn't breathe, it felt as if someone was choking him. His heart was racing and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and wait for someone to save him. But no one would, no one was there. A choked cry for help pathetically forced itself out his throat. 

Even with the persistent look of malice and spite in his eye, something close to realisation brewed in his father's eyes. 

“I’ll beat the faggot out of you if it’s the last thing I do and if I see Foley, I will kill that son of a bitch,” he spat so ferociously, eyes so determined and convinced. 

Diego gulped, thoughts of Justin dead at his father’s hands causing him to only cry more—so unable to quell his moment of weakness in front of his father and only confirming all of his assumptions. 

When the first punch came, he had already prepared himself for this almost routine scenario. His Papa threw his body weight behind the fist that edged closer to Diego’s face, it hit his jaw with such force that blood pooled into his mouth. Pain erupted from the point of impact. He raised his hands pathetically, attempting to ward off the incoming assault with a self-made barrier but his father only drew his fist back again and ploughed into his stomach, and it was like hitting a train head-on. His guts smashed together, blood vessels bursting. With a burst of adrenaline, Diego used all his strength to kick at his father’s legs—temporarily incapacitating the man but his large frame and uncontainable rage had the man regaining his strength in seconds to continue his battering until Diego fell to the floor. 

His chest gently rose and sank with each shallow breath he drew in, his vision blurred and his head feeling like it harboured a tonne of bricks. Yet somehow he could still feel his father’s offending gaze above him, the feeling of a sticky, wet sickness making its way onto his cheek as he spat on Diego. The man kicked at Diego’s stomach one last time for effect before snatching at the film strip and turning on the stove. Even in his state of complete blurriness, he didn’t miss the way the flame cruelly and ferociously ate away at the photo—the memory of it all disappearing so simply. His heart lurched in agony at that, the tears still flowing even in his meek state because it was like a part of himself burnt away with the photo. 

He wondered if life would’ve been easier if he had never met Justin Foley. 

***

After his Dad had felt the living room with an even more terrifying air of indifference, Diego had painfully lifted himself from the floor and silently made his way to his room, immediately grabbing his gym bag and stashing a load of clothes, toiletries and random shit into it—anything he needed to get out of this hellhole and someplace else. He wasn’t coming back—not for a long while and he had to trust that his Abuelita would understand what had gone down and wouldn’t resent him for it. He would check in with them eventually—he would do it soon but now—now he needed to get somewhere far, far away. This wasn’t his home anymore and he wasn’t sure that Justin was either—no one put their home at risk and going to him would mean exactly that. So he didn’t. 

He probably looked like an absolute trainwreck, a bruised and battered teen roaming the streets at 2 am while crying his eyes out. He cried for his idiocy that would now cost him his relationship with Justin, he cried for the love he had just found and would now loose, he cried for his Abuelita’s soft heart and how God had cursed her with an emotionally inaccessible, violent son, he cried for the twins that were so innocent and didn’t deserve any of this shit, and he cried for his dead mother who had only ever known love and kindness. He cried for hours and when he finally made it to the shelter, he welcomed the feeling of stained sheets and the comforting company of other troubled strangers. 


	16. Not Worth the Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego comes back.

Justin wouldn’t stop and he couldn’t blame him—if it was the other way around, he would search incessantly for the other boy. He called and texted relentlessly, showed up at the house at hours he knew that only Diego’s Abuelita would be, and waited around for hours at all their regular hang out places. His persistence had Diego’s heart aching in pain—pain at how Justin just wouldn’t give up on him.

It had been 2 weeks since that day and Diego had come back a few days ago at his Abuelita’s crying insistence, her pain becoming too much for him to bear. He had hardly seen Javier over the past few days and it was better that way—he was probably out blind somewhere in a ditch. Today would be his first day back at school and he didn’t know how to break it off with Justin—the thought of it had him tearing up but it had to be done. He had to protect him. 

***

The school hallway stank. The odour of the stale urine curled from under the restroom doors, depressingly mixed with deodorant and body odour in equal measure. Diego tried to keep his head down and push his way through the sea of despondent faces but he saw the lingering looks from people in passing, looks of surprise, shock and confusion at seeing him back at school after almost 2 weeks. Being a jock had its downsides, one being the way word spread so fast because everyone knew about your whereabouts and absences. 

In the distance he could see Clay and Justin up against their lockers, lost in conversation—Justin’s eyes frantically scanning the hallway and Diego gave himself time to appreciate the sight of seeing Justin healthy and well from afar before turning back to take another route to his next class but not before Justin’s eyes caught his. Justin smiled, facing emanating an air of relief, shock and slight frustration before dropping at the sight of Diego turning away. But obviously, that wouldn’t stop him. 

“Diego!” He yelled from across the hallway, pushing through the crowd and his shout had people turning back to look at him. 

Diego wouldn’t let up, he needed to be as far away from Justin as possible—it was to protect him. 

“Diego, what the fuck!” He yelled in frustration, the sound of his running feet only metres away from him. 

Just as Diego was about to turn the corner, a strong grip grabbed his elbow. Diego turned to look at Justin, annoyance present on his face but the way the other boy furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, shock and a mix of anger which had Diego residing into himself. 

“What the fuck, what happened to your face?” He spat, eyes skimming over his bruises, fingers coming and leaving feather-light touches on his eye that was the most prominent offender. 

Diego flinched back, putting a decent amount of space between them—already cautious of prying eyes that were ready to lure his Dad here to finish them off once and for all. 

Justin looked hurt, a mix of emotions on his face that Diego couldn’t get a read on and at Diego’s silence he continued. 

“It was that fucker, wasn’t it?” He spat bitterly, already back in Diego’s personal space. 

Diego recoiled slightly, “It doesn’t matter,” he replied blankly. 

“What—of course, it matters, fuck—I’m going to fucking kill him,” Justin seethed, heaving slightly in frustration.

Diego felt himself somber at the sight, Justin was always on high alert around Diego and now had to deal with his own load of shit—it made him feel so ashamed. No boyfriend should have to feel that responsible for their counterpart, it was fucked up and Diego had to relinquish that hold.

“Justin—you can’t okay and—.”

“Who fuck says I can’t—.”

“You can’t,” Diego replied with an air of finality. 

Justin halted his incessant threats at that, “Why—why’d he do it?” He asked waterily.

Now Justin was fucking crying because of him—all Diego brought him was pain.

Diego debated just walking off and avoiding this entire conversation but Justin had him cornered and he was as persistent as he was stubborn.

“He—he uh,” Diego began, sniffling slightly, “He found that photo of us… from the carnival.”

Diego saw the way Justin’s face dawned with realisation, causing him to close his eyes in pain and rub a shaky hand down his face.

“Fuck—I’m—if I hadn’t forced you to take the photo—,” he began, tears brewing full force now.

Diego scoffed, of course, Justin was so ready to take responsibility and blame himself.

“Stop—it was my choice too, Justin,” he reassured, desperately wanting to comfort the other boy but so weary of his surroundings. 

He felt like an absolute shitty person, like an absolute scum of the earth type of person. Justin wasn’t in the headspace to take a break up now but Diego had to protect him, it was now or never.

“JJ—I’m sorry but we—we need to talk,” he began hesitantly, already feeling the lump take residence in his throat.

Justin’s eyes only glazed more as he shook his head fervently, “Stop—no,” he croaked out. 

“We—I can’t—my dad, he’s fucked up and he’ll hurt you—I need to protect you, okay?” He reasoned frantically.

“I don’t fucking care! I don’t—I’m fine, okay?” Justin practically screamed, tears falling now.

“No—I have to do this—I can’t put you in harm's way so, please—,” Diego began softly.

“You aren’t fucking doing this right now! No—I won’t let you,” Justin shook his head like a madman.

Diego ripped off the bandaid, “We have to stop—I can’t—I can’t do this anymore.”

Justin shook his head even harder, tears flowing so incessantly, “Please—Diego, we can figure it out—I—I—it’ll be alright, okay?” He began incoherently, already prioritising Diego’s comfort before his own. 

His hand came up to lightly brush at Diego’s cheek, and he felt himself almost lean into the touch—so touch starved of Justin in the past 2 weeks when before he would go only mere hours without seeing or being near the boy. Suddenly, it was like the crowd had multiplied by a million and Diego felt the anxiety crawl at the feeling of his Dad’s impending approach. The anxiety had him shoving back at Justin’s chest in a moment of weakness, immediately feeling himself coil up in shock and disgust at what he’d just done. The force slammed Justin against the lockers and his face was hurt, confused but mostly understanding and that’s what had Diego reeling, feet already ready to approach the boy and embrace him with incessant apologies and demand that they just flee this shitty place. All of a sudden, a random force had Diego slammed against the lockers.

“You back to class,” the cop yelled at Justin, “and you up against the lockers,” he spat at Diego. 

Diego felt the fear and anxiety return full-force, so sure and familiar with how the next few minutes would pan out. He could see Justin’s face filled with confusion and unconcealed anger, already putting himself between Diego and the cop.

“What the fuck, man! We were just talking,” Justin spat back.

“Back to class!” The cop yelled in Justin’s face, shoving the boy out of his way so that he could resume his patting motion of Diego’s body.

“Justin move—do what he says,” Diego yelled back, feeling the grimy hands of the cop down his thighs. 

The words that left the cop’s mouth didn’t come as a surprise to Diego, “Fucking Mexican kid starting fights,” he seethed.

Diego felt the tears flow uncontrollably, “Okay, I’m Dominican and—what the fuck.”

Justin’s rage was unbelievable evident then, “What the fuck! You can’t say shit like that you fucking piece of scum—,” he began, hauling at the cop’s shoulders and pulling him away from Diego.

The cop turned back fervently, shoving at Justin in response before Diego pushed the bastard to the ground. Justin made his way over to the cop, rage so evident and blinding that he raised his fist—ready to begin his assault but not before Diego hauled him away by the shoulders.

“Let go! I’m gonna fucking kill him—you bastard, I’ll fucking end you—,” Justin screamed frantically, trying to retract himself from Diego’s grip.

“Justin—stop—don’t make it worse,” Diego whispered into his ear, feeling the way Justin calmed against his chest but the other boy was still heaving and shaking like a leaf. 

Of course, he had spoken too soon because seconds later the cop had retracted a gun, the barrel so obviously aimed toward Diego. What the fuck? Justin’s tears were now falling unceremoniously as he looked at Diego with so much fear. 

“Stop! Stop! Don’t hurt him, please—,” Justin begged, somehow making his way in front of Diego to act as a makeshift shield and that had Diego washed with so much fear that he was surely about to collapse at any given second—what the fuck was Justin doing? The sight of him standing in front of him had him picturing so many horrific things—he couldn't bear the thought. 

“Just—Justin, move please—,” Diego begged, voice hoarse and wavering.

Justin wouldn’t let up, firmly rooted in front of Diego. Diego had to protect him and moved to position himself in front of Justin instead but the cop erupted then. 

“Back up! Back the fuck up,” he yelled, gun still pointed toward Diego.

They flinched in response, the cop coming over to shove Justin toward the locker.

“Up against the locker! Up against the locker!”

Diego hesitantly but fervently pressed his back against the locker, looking over at Justin to already see his boyfriend’s distraught gaze on him. 

Only seconds later the cop turned him around and slammed him up against the locker for effect, hand coming up to cuff his own.

“Come on, he didn’t do anything man, let him go!” Justin yelled, voice pained and begging.

Diego took in a shaky breath, mentally pleading for Justin to halt his demands because they wouldn’t work—it’s how things were for him. It just was.

“You bastard! Let him go, my Mom can fucking ruin you—,” he continued, but the cop concentrated on cuffing Diego.

Diego saw how Justin’s face paled, even more, the realisation that he was unable to stop this now coming to him. Diego looked back at him with a slight, watery smile—hoping that he managed to communicate just how he loved and cared about Justin. Justin only sobbed next to him. 

Once he felt the cop pull at him harshly, the man shoved at his arm to direct him out and away from everyone. Justin breathing picked up some more, obviously now stunted by where he was taking Diego.

“Diego—hey, where the fuck are you taking him?” He spat ferociously.

“Justin, it’ll be okay—don’t worry,” Diego replied softly, giving the boy he loved one last smile before he was escorted out. 

***

When Diego was finally released from the fucked up interrogation that made him out to be the villain despite the bastard cop’s improper behaviour—he came out to see nearly all of the senior grade gathered outside the front of the school.

He could see Justin’s frantic form, pacing near Clay, head in his hands as his face emanated pain and frustration. He shoved back at Clay, his brother clearly holding Justin back from doing anything drastic. The initial terror had simmered and now Diego was awash with relief, immediately making his way over to Justin—pulling in the other boy for a suffocating embrace.

Justin flinched slightly at the abrupt presence before melting and gripping back at Diego with so much force that he could feel his waist numb. 

“Oh, fuck Diego—thank God, you’re okay, fuck—,” he began incoherently, grip unrelenting as he shoved his nose into Diego’s neck.

Diego ran his hands down Justin’s back, “I’m okay—I’m good, baby,” he replied, voice slightly choked at the experience of it all.

Justin’s grip didn’t let up and Diego could feel new wetness on his neck, which only had him gripping at the other boy even tighter. 

Clay’s smiled knowingly but Diego could feel the confused stares directed at them by Jessica, Ani and some of the other jocks—their embrace obviously becoming something slightly unnerving and suspicious. Even if Diego wanted to tell them to all go and fuck themselves, he hesitantly pulled away from Justin but made sure to hold the other boy’s elbows firmly. 

The next thing he knew, they were chanting and bashing up cops. It was an absolute shitfest but it felt good to get back at those bastards somehow, be it throwing books or food at their shields or getting in a punch or two here and there—it felt deserved and it felt like payback. He swore Justin had been only metres away from him but the next second he saw the boy underneath a cop that was beating at him with a baton. He immediately felt sick and an uncontainable rage consumed him as he ran and shoved the bastard away. 

Luckily, Justin looked unharmed as Diego raised him off the ground.

“Jesus, Justin—are you okay?” He asked, scanning his face for any injuries. 

“I’m fine, babe, I need to find that bastard that fucking did that to you in there—I swear to God—,” he began, rage so clear.

“Stop—he’s long gone and I’m fine, okay? Let’s get those other bastards, yeah?” He asked, grasping at Justin’s neck to get him to focus on him. 

“Yeah,” he smiled back.


	17. Say It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW - physical assault and homophobic f slur. 
> 
> Justin arrives at the Torres' in search of something, how it goes down is another thing entirely.

He shouldn’t have been surprised when he found Justin at his doorstep only hours later. The other boy stood there so rigidly, impassive face communicating an ulterior motive and Diego was terrified by how unreadable he was. To make matters worse, his Dad was home for the evening. 

He immediately stepped onto the porch and shut the door behind him, making sure to be extra quiet. 

“Justin—what the fuck, you can’t be here right now,” Diego whisper shouted, already feeling himself tense at the chance of his Dad walking out and seeing them at any given second. 

“Is he home?” Justin blankly demanded, already approaching the door.

Diego grabbed at his wrist to halt his approach, “Stop—I don’t know what the fuck you think your doing but this is not it,” he spat back, dragging Justin onto the footpath and away from his door. 

“I just want to talk with him,” Justin says nonchalantly, face communicating something else entirely. 

“Justin—go home,” he replies with an air of finality. 

"Not until I speak to him,” Justin said stubbornly. 

The adrenaline flooded his system like it was on an intravenous drip - right into his blood at full pelt. He thought his heart would explode at the fear beneath his bones, so terrified for Justin's safety if his Dad came out and saw them. 

“Justin, I’m not fucking with you—you have to leave before he sees you,” Diego replied frantically. 

“Diego, I’m not just going to let him get away with what he did to you!” Justin screamed back. 

“And what about what he’ll do to you? Justin—go!”

Justin stayed rooted in place before swerving past Diego with determination in his step. Diego immediately halted his approach by stepping in front of him. He saw the way Justin slightly faltered at the obvious fear in Diego's eyes, but his mind was made up and there wasn’t anything Diego could do to stop him. He wouldn’t be in this position if his attempt to break them up and protect Justin hadn’t failed so spectacularly—he had to do it now. He was always failing him. 

Justin would plead and beg but Diego needed it to be over—no matter how much his heart was breaking to even think about it. 

“Justin—,” he began softly.

Something in the voice must’ve hinted to his intention because the stubbornness in Justin’s eyes faded and was immediately replaced with disbelief and pain. 

“Stop—I don’t wanna fucking hear this again,” he said harshly.

“I have to—look,” Diego began, before being interrupted. 

“I’m sick of this, stop it—I’m fucking fine,” he spat back, voice now wavering. 

“How are you fucking fine?” Diego shouted back, eyes narrowed in question, “He fucking threatened to kill you, okay? And he doesn’t joke around, Justin—the man is serious and dangerous!”

“I don’t care! I want you, okay? The rest is bullshit—.”

“No! You don’t understand—it’s to fucking protect you, why won’t you let me?” He spat back incredulously. 

“Because! What is protection worth if I don’t have you?” Justin shouted back with so much sincerity that Diego’s heart lurched.

His next words pained him to even say, “You’ll find someone else—we were just having fun, it didn’t mean anything,” he replied, feigning apathy despite the way his stomach dropped at seeing Justin’s face contort with so much hurt.

Only seconds later, Justin’s face was blank save for the resolute determination and fury in his eyes, “Fuck you! You don’t mean that—,” he spat back, shaking his head in disbelief. 

Diego was silent for a minute before putting on a mask of indifference and clawed at his own heart with his next words, “It was, you were just a warm mouth, okay? We’re done,” he said bluntly, the finality and crudeness of it all causing Justin to flinch as tears fell from his eyes.

Diego felt his own eyes glaze over but forced himself to remain impassive, ashamed at himself for reducing his love for Justin to lewd, meaningless physicality. It had to be done and the way the other boy gazed back at him with unconcealed pain and heartache. His own tears were about to spill at the sight of it. 

Justin resigned into himself a little but his next words uttered so much truth that Diego was stunted in place.

“You don’t protect someone that means nothing to you,” he spat out, voice wavering but so sure.

Diego couldn’t bear the way his green eyes looked back at him with so much surety and fondness but still bearing unconcealed hurt and pain. He gazed at Diego with so much expectancy but Diego could only turn away and make his way to the door before the next few words had him reeling.

“I love you!” Justin shouted at his retreating form.

He knew that tensing against the shaking of his limbs was useless but he did it instinctively, trying to suppress for a few more moments what he knew that he could not. He could hear Justin’s hesitant form making its way over to him, but he was paralysed and unable to think. Diego gave himself a moment to allow the silence to counteract the fear, warmth, shock and relief that threatened to engulf him. Even if he had come to reconcile the sentiment for Justin, he had never thought that the other boy would reciprocate and that incapacitated him with fear at its unexpectedness and that familiar feeling of self-loathing that told him that he was undeserving of love. 

He swore that it was his mind playing tricks on him—there was no way that Justin Foley loved him back. All of a sudden a warm chin had placed itself on his right shoulder as muscled, slender arms came to wrap around his waist. 

“I do—I love you, so fucking much,” Justin whispered into his ear, voice hesitant but his bravery had always overpowered his doubts. Diego’s tears fell then and he felt Justin grip back at him tighter, warm lips firm and familiar against his neck. 

At that moment it was like everything else had disappeared—his Dad’s threat and malice, the feeling of prying eyes, his own self-condemnation for feeling how he felt because all he knew was Justin. He turned around to look back at the boy, considering everything about him—the way his eyes revealed specks of blue whenever they were glazed with tears or in the light, or how his nose was slightly crooked like his beautiful smile or how his eyes crinkled closed whenever he truly smiled. Everything about Justin was all-consuming and it had Diego enthralled from the beginning. 

“Why?” Diego croaked out in question.

“Because I do—because you make so much sense and none at all because you feel like coming home,” He replied softly, voice so sincere and immersed with emotion.

Diego felt himself sob in response, so unfamiliar with being that valuable to someone. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. Justin’s tears were falling equally as unceremoniously, hands coming to tenderly cup Diego’s face. 

Diego took in a shaky breath, grasping at his wrists in response, “I—I love you too,” he croaked out. 

Justin chuckled lightly, shaking his head at their frail yet amusing state. His smile was one of happiness growing, much like a spring flower opening. Diego could see how it came from deep inside to light his eyes and spread into every part of him. It was infectious, everything about Justin was infectious and he felt himself beam back in response. 

“I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Diego whispered out, baring his heart so completely. 

When Justin kissed him it was like the entire world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below Diego’s ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. He lost himself in Justin for the next few seconds, putting all the love and intensity of how he felt into the kiss—it really felt like coming home. Everything was bliss and warm for those few minutes until the front door opened. 

At the sound, Diego immediately retracted himself from Justin’s grasp—feeling himself incapacitated at the calm fury emanating from his father from the doorstep. It was fear unlike any other, nothing comparable to the incident with the cop or even to that of when his Dad had beaten him all those weeks ago, it was chilling to the bone because his Papa’s gaze was fixed on Justin. 

Diego immediately placed himself in front of Justin as his father approached, stance stiff but the sound of his boots demanding and authorial. He could feel Justin’s tight grip on his hand, feeling the way he was inching forward—obviously trying to protect Diego but Diego wouldn’t let up, not this time. 

“Papa, please—,” Diego began in a pathetic attempt to reason with the man. 

Fires of fury and hatred were smouldering in his narrowed eyes, gaze still fixated on Justin before sparring Diego a dismissive glance. 

“Move, Diego,” he spat with so much venom that it had him flinching. 

“No,” he spat back, praising himself for keeping his voice even. 

When the first punch came, he expected the pain to erupt like it did so familiarly but instead it was the sound of Justin’s pained grunt that had him opening his eyes in shock. Somehow, Justin had made it in front of Diego and had managed to land a punch on his father's jaw that only furthered his rage and had him throwing back his fist in response. The sight of seeing Justin even mildly hurt made Diego go livid—he wouldn’t let his Dad hurt him, not when he vowed to protect him. Diego shoved his Dad off Justin, throwing them both to the ground as he hit at his face incessantly but the man’s bigger stature got the upper hand and flipped them over to pound his head against the concrete. Justin’s chilling scream was a muffled concern because he could barely make sense of anything.

“Get the fuck off him, you psycho!” Justin yelled, throwing a punch at the back of the man’s head which immediately halted his Dad’s assault.

He saw the way his Dad clutched at the back of his head, roaring his head and charging at Justin, “You faggot, you revolting piece of scum—I’m going to kill you,” he snarled. 

Diego’s sense came back to him at the threat, immediately kicking at his father’s stomach and causing him to cramp in response. With his own two hands Diego grasped his head in his hands and brought his knee cap up to his nose, there was a blunt crack before he released his head. Crimson leaked from both his nostrils and his nose was twisted right. The bastard drew his fist back again and it ploughed into Diego’s stomach, and it was like hitting a train head-on. Diego kneeled at the feeling, his father grabbing at his head but his assault was halted by Justin hauling him onto the ground to beat him incessantly. The sight of seeing his big, scary Dad reduced to mere battered limbs was sadistically satisfying but he didn’t want them to be charged with fucking murder.

“Justin—Justin! Hey!” he yelled out, cringing at the way his ribs contorted in pain. 

Diego went to go tug at his shoulders but the boy was lost in the haze of the assault, shouting remarks about how his he was going to kill his Dad, how he was a fucking bitter thug that didn’t deserve Diego, he called him a child beater and criminal—and in so many ways, he wasn’t wrong but Diego didn’t want him dead.

“Justin—baby, please stop,” he croaked out, his voice wavering as his mouth wobbled. 

Justin's fist stilled above him, abruptly turning back to look at Diego before pushing himself off his Dad as if he was burnt. His eyes emanated so much guilt, hurt and malice—a mix of emotions that Diego could resonate with. 

Diego was shaking and he couldn’t stop. The high of the adrenaline had come down and now he was the same pathetic, meaningless idiot that couldn’t even protect Justin. 

“Hey—hey, we’re alright. Let’s get out of here,” Justin whispered, his voice wobbling but still reassuring as he ran his hands down Diego’s arms. 

Diego felt himself collapse against the boy, nodding in agreement before Justin’s arms came around to hold him—his strength there if Diego needed it. He gripped back at his hand in response, swaying slightly as they made their way to Justin’s house. He didn’t miss the way his Dad called him a sinful faggot and how he should never come back here because it wasn’t his home anymore. 

And it wasn’t. It hadn’t been for a long time.


	18. Way Too Good At Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego makes a decision.

He practically trundled through Justin’s door, the other boy’s strength the only thing stopping him from collapsing. He saw Clay’s frazzled form approach them at their abrupt entrance, two bruised and battered dudes, one of which was holding the other together. He immediately demanded to know what had happened, scouring their shelves for the first aid kit before depositing it onto the bed that Diego was now laid down on.

“Justin—what the fuck? Who did this to you guys?” Clay demanded firmly.

“Clay—not now, okay? I’ll explain later,” Justin replied curtly, something in his voice obviously halting Clay’s demands and evoking a hesitant nod out of him. Only seconds later, they had the bedroom to themselves.

Purple welts were scattered across his abdomen like a disease and it hurt to breathe. He felt himself hiss at the feeling of the alcohol grazing his cut cheek but Justin continued the swift motion with the utmost concentration. They didn’t say anything for those few minutes that Justin patched him up, cuts cleaned but bruises bound to darken over the next few days. The silence was as deafening as it was calming because Diego didn’t know what to say but wanted to say everything all at once. 

He did the same in return for the other boy, Justin’s green eyes firm and focused on Diego. After all this time, he now knew what that look really meant and it had him shocked at just how long Justin had been doing it for. Love shouldn't have come so quickly for them but it had and for better or for worse, it was an incredible feeling. 

Once he was done tending to Justin they just stared at each other—Diego wasn’t sure for how long but the atmosphere was hot and stiff but somehow still inviting. 

“I love you,” Diego whispered, being the first to break the silence. 

Justin gave him a small smile, eyes glistening in the light, “I love you too.”

“I’m sorry,” Diego sniffled out, placing his head in his hands at the realisation of what he had just put Justin through. 

“Baby—hey, stop. I’m fine, okay?” Justin began, retracting Diego’s hands from his face to cup it with his own instead, “I’m with you and we’re safe—that’s all that matters.”

Diego leaned his forehead against Justin’s own, “But—.”

“No, I love you, okay? Nothing about tonight will ever change that,” Justin said firmly.

“Fuck—I love you so much,” Diego mumbled out, going in to pull Justin in for a tight embrace. 

They stayed in the safety of each other’s warmth, both their grips unrelenting as though the other would disappear if they let up and to Diego, it felt like Justin might. The fear of his father lurking had Diego even more cautious than before, the littlest of sounds causing his head to look in its direction. Eventually, the exhaustion and anxiety lulled him into a reluctant sleep, eyes firmly fixed on Justin for as long as possible and tightly wrapped around his waist before he was forced to surrender.

* * *

Diego couldn’t help but watch Justin, there was an inexplicable peace and tranquillity to the way he slept like it was his one refuge and Diego couldn’t bear to awaken him from it. Instead, he traced his fingers across his impossibly high cheekbones, the crooked bridge of his nose, and against the beautiful eyes that harboured illegally long lashes with feather-light touches. 

He had spoken to his Abuelita last night and she had informed him about the neighbour witnessing what had gone down with them and his Papa—he was supposedly being apprehended at the station. His Abuelita had made up her mind, the forgiving and ever joyful woman had finally given up on her own son after years of trying—Diego didn’t know whether he should be happy that she was finally freeing herself or ashamed that she was losing her son because of his ‘sinful’ love. The number of chances Abuelita had given Papa was endless and that amounted to the eternal nature of a mother’s love but after all these years she reasoned that she couldn’t risk her grandchildren’s safety to try and save someone that didn’t want to be saved. The last part had broken his heart. 

They were leaving for his Aunt Lucia’s place tonight and the idea of saying goodbye to Justin was too painful to even consider so he made sure to communicate all his love and affection for the other boy before it all collapsed around them. But most importantly, Diego’s departure would mean that Justin would finally be safe. 

When they made love that morning—it was slow, gentle and everything Diego ever wanted. He made sure to kiss every part of Justin’s body to memorise the beauty of what he would soon lose, he whispered endless sentiments of love into his ear—how he meant the world to Diego, how Justin was his one good thing, how life had become brighter the day he had met him. Justin only chuckled back sweetly, sometimes blushing and sometimes looking at him in slight amusement—unsure as to where Diego’s abrupt spur of affection had come from. When they both came down from their release, he held Justin and didn’t let go until he had to. 

He made sure to pour everything into the letter—words would never be enough but that’s all he could ever give him. He loved him and though it had been short, it had been everything to Diego and if there was one thing he could take away from his leave—it was the fact that Justin would be safe, away from the chaos of Diego and his life. He placed the letter on the bedside table, and shakily removed his cross necklace to leave as a parting gift. His heart lurched in agony as he placed a lingering kiss on the boy’s forehead, and left. 


	19. Sorry to My Unknown Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter.

_ Justin, _

_ In many ways—I wish we had never met. If that moment during the lockdown had never happened, it would have spared both of us, a lot of pain. But, I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t drawn to you earlier on. You were like this magnet tugging at me, demanding my attention and I gave it to you so easily—I wanted to annoy you, be around you or just see you—even if I didn’t understand why. I fooled myself a long time ago by believing that I wasn’t this—someone that liked both guys and girls but you saw through me and even if it was in spite, you somehow knew. You were right—Monty and I had some fleeting, forgettable night together and I guess it made me feel worse about who I was because Monty made sure of it. I hated him but in many ways, I latched onto him because he seemed to be the only person that sort of understood—I realise that, that’s not the case now.  _

_ I love you so much that it sometimes hurts to breathe because the thought is so terrifying. It’s one thing to come to terms with who you are but realising you love someone, to where you’d die for them is _ — _ too much. I wish I wasn’t such a coward and allowed myself to embrace how I felt earlier because then I would have reminded you of it more. But I can’t. I couldn’t protect you from him. I couldn’t love you openly. And I can’t love you now but I do love you. It’s pathetic and useless and I hate myself for doing this to you but I’m doing it for you—believe it or not.  _

_ I’m putting you first and if that means getting as far away from you as possible, just so I can protect you—then I’ll damn right do it. No matter how much it kills me. I should’ve broken it off with you that day because then he would’ve never touched you—I should’ve never let him anywhere near you. Seeing you hurt was probably the scariest moment of my life—I can’t bear to put myself or you through that again. He’ll come after me but it’ll mean you are safe because I’m not there. You are not a target and that’s what matters.  _

_ I love you. I love you. I love you.  _

_ You’ve become my everything—my home, my life, my salvation. Maybe someday, or in another world—it might’ve worked out for us. _

_ I love you and I’m sorry. _

_ — Diego  _


	20. The Source of Your Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin's POV for the first part but then it flips back to Diego's. 
> 
> Heartache. It's just pain and more pain from here.

When Justin awoke to see the bed empty and unusually cold, he immediately dismissed his initial anxieties until he saw the letter.

He sobbed himself to sleep that night—pain so present and suffocating, Diego’s cross necklace in his tight shaky grasp and turtle plush taut against his heart that lurched in agony. Even the comfort of his brother’s embrace did nothing to quell the searing pain he felt. It felt like dying.

* * *

He had expected the endless calls and texts but not the agonising voicemails. Those had Diego’s head in his hands as he listened on in pain. There wasn’t a single voicemail that didn’t end with Justin in tears and begging for Diego to return and he almost gave in every time—almost. Somedays, he was more angry than upset, seething on the other end about what a bastard and scumbag Diego was for leading him on to only leave, wishing that they had never met and how Justin deserved better than a coward—and Justin was right, he did deserve better. But most of those voicemails ended with Justin spewing countless apologies before sobbing relentlessly—retracting his prior insults and just reciting how much he loved Diego and how he was going crazy without him. Other days, he knew that Justin was trying to almost preserve his presence by talking into the phone about how his day had been, how most of the time it was shit because all he did was cry for Diego but still recounting his day before the familiar sound of tears filled the other end. Diego clawed at his hair every time he heard Justin’s pain because even when he was trying to do better for the other boy—even when trying to protect him, he was just hurting him. 

He got calls from the team, coach, and even Clay and Zach at some point—both probably waiting to scold him for entirely different reasons but still wanting to communicate their animosity toward him. The whole world had turned against him but it’s what he got for getting involved in something he didn’t understand. Something he would repeat without a second thought because that something was everything. 

Time flew by and before he had realised, it had already been 2 months since he left. 2 months and his voicemail box was still full with Justin’s voice—the other boy still holding onto hope and calling him at least once a day. Diego’s heart tore at how full and consuming Justin’s love was—even after all this time apart, he sounded almost the same on the other end. Still crying every now and then but voice more understanding and just warm—like he finally understood why Diego had done it. He treasured those voicemails like they were a lifeline, impatiently waiting for Justin’s name to blare on his screen and being relieved to find that the boy hadn’t erased him from his mind or finally decided that Diego was a lost cause. He knew that Justin’s love was stronger than such pettiness but his insecurities never strayed. 

Prom was in a week’s time and his Abuelita urged him to go and spend the night with the people that he loved—as a final goodbye to Liberty, his home and Justin. He didn’t know whether he had it in him to be so cruel, to only give Justin that night—a night where he still couldn’t be upfront about his love and still, somehow leave again. It was cruel and Justin seemed to be getting better, he couldn’t do that to him. So, he wouldn’t go. 


	21. Come On Let It Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes all you need is for someone to just listen.

Even after all the time that had passed, Justin still felt the ache and piercing agony like it was the first night all over again. He had missed an entire week of school purely because he was too distraught and physically unable to pull himself out of bed and back to that shit place that reminded him too much of Diego and how he was just—gone. Just like that, he was gone. One minute, Justin was on the inexplicable high of being crazy in love and the next he was a defeated, sobbing mess in bed. 

Sometimes he thought he hated Diego just as much as he loved him. He hated him for leaving, for thinking that his departure would somehow protect Justin, for being his noble, selfless self that couldn’t bear to put Justin in harm’s way, for loving Justin so much that he somehow had to let him go for that very reason. It made no fucking sense to him and he hated it the most. He hated how love was everything and nothing all at the same time. How it hurt more than people let on but you were supposed to bear it because it was the best thing you’d ever encounter in your life. Well for Justin, he had loved and lost too many times for someone that was just nearing adulthood.

* * *

Even when he was finally back at school at Clay’s incessant pestering—he avoided the team, practices, the classrooms, the locker rooms and even the cafeteria because all those places had become their place and he couldn’t stomach being there without him. Not to mention that the trick of his mind sometimes had him seeing Diego in those places which only had him holding back another flood of tears. When Zach came by one night, he couldn’t even feign surprise—it was only a matter of time. 

The taller boy just looked at him with an expression of understanding and slight pity. He didn’t bother to try and decipher what that meant because he was exhausted from all the looks of sympathy—like Diego had died or something or like people knew more than they let on. He hated how their looks only exemplified the emptiness in his heart and around him. 

“I don’t know how I’d live without Alex,” Zach began quietly, eyes knowing and fixed on a photo of Justin and Diego that was tapped on the bookshelf behind his bed. It was a shot from their last game, from the championships and looked purely platonic, their arms around each other in a friendly grasp—not hinting anything else, at least not to Justin. 

Justin felt himself stiffen, the knowingness in Zach’s eyes was confronting and something he couldn’t deal with right now. The correlation to Alex and Diego was not lost on him but he didn't want to know just how Zach had figured it out or how he maybe didn’t know but knew that Diego meant something that great to him. After all, Zach and Alex had been best friends before anything else—maybe that’s what he was going for. Justin wasn't an idiot but he could fool himself enough to believe it. 

At his silence and blatant avoidance, Zach continued.

“Sometimes even a day without him becomes too much like—like I can’t breathe or whatever,” Zach tried.

Justin understood what that felt like and the realisation that Zach knew and was going there had him stopping the other boy.

“Look, Zach—that’s sweet and all but I don’t know how any of it matters to me,” Justin interrupted, feigning obliviousness. 

The other boy just chuckled in response before taking a seat on the other end of the bed. His eyes were amused and mocking as they looked back at Justin.

“No—it doesn’t matter to you but I think you know what I’m getting at,” Zach continued casually.

Justin continued to ignore him, face buried in the book he had picked up from the library—the words flying over his head as he half-heartedly skimmed over them. 

“Look, man—you don’t have to tell me anything but whatever you guys had or have—I get it,” Zach went on, eyes understanding and piercing into his own.

His blatant call-out had Justin feeling cold and exposed like he had betrayed Diego by not hiding what they had enough. It felt like the ultimate betrayal like the boy would appear any minute to scold him for not being able to treasure what they had away from prying eyes. He knew he was being unreasonable but in many ways, keeping it between the two of them had made it all the more precious and now, it clearly wasn’t—it felt like an intrusion even if it was Zach, his best friend. 

But in the same way, it felt like a weight off his shoulders. Like being able to talk about it would somehow quell some of the pain, even if for a minute. Sure, he had Clay but his brother knew little of what it was like—it wasn’t the same. He desperately wanted someone to understand, so he let that person be Zach. 

“Yeah, well—he’s gone so,” Justin replied, sniffling slightly as his eyes became moist. He was so sick of crying.

He saw Zach perk up in surprise, obviously not expecting Justin to admit anything. 

“It’s okay for that to hurt—for it hurt that he’s gone,” Zach said softly.

For some reason that angered him, the tears falling as he threw the book across the room which caused Zach to flinch in response.

“Yeah? Well, I’m fucking sick of it—how—how could he just leave like that, how—how do you tell someone you love them and fucking leave!” Justin screamed back, fingers clawing at his hair. 

Zach was stiff and unresponsive for a minute. Justin’s chest racked with the familiar feeling of more tears, exhausted from this ritualistic chore. He knew that it was wrong for him to take it out on Zach but the way even outside eyes knew about the effect that Diego’s departure had on him only made the situation more of a reality. That was cruel, Zach was his best friend—not a pair of lurking eyes. 

“Justin—,” Zach began.

“I’m sorry,” he cried in response, causing warm arms to come around to embrace him. 

“No, man—it’s okay, let it out.”

And Justin did. 

After his abrupt breakdown, Justin had finally settled into a numb state of awareness, Zach’s concerned eyes skimming over his face, as his big hand rubbed his back in soothing circles. 

“He fucking left to protect me—like that makes it any better,” Justin spat out weakly.

Zach didn’t say anything, just listened on—obviously sensing that Justin had more to say. 

“His Dad—he’s as homophobic as they come and scary as fuck and—we—he found out about us—one thing led to another and next thing I know—we’re fighting this huge, angry motherfucker,” Justin continued. 

Zach’s hand on his back stiffened for a second before resuming the pattern hesitantly. In many ways, it hadn’t been easy for Zach either—Justin knew how overbearing and expectant Karen Dempsey was. She was always sure to preserve her ideals and not have anyone bring shame to her image—in many ways, Zach probably understood better than anyone else. 

“We got beat pretty bad but managed to get out and make it back home—Diego was fucking—he was a guilty mess, he had tried to break it off the day of the riot but I wouldn’t let him—.”

“Jesus, Justin—.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled in response, “It was good for the first few days—he was staying here and I was sure that wasn’t going to change but the next day—I—he’s gone. Just like that, he’s gone and I can’t get in touch or anything and it's killing me,” Justin croaked out, voice wavering in response. 

Zach nodded empathetically. 

“His—the letter said that—I would be safe now, fuck that! I don’t want to be safe—I—I just want him,” he said meekly. 

“I know,” Zach replied softly before continuing, “But I don’t think he’d want you to give up on everything for him—imagine how much that’d ruin him,” Zach reasoned. 

Justin rolled his eyes, of course Zach would bring it back to football or school. Two things that he could give the smallest fucks about now. 

“Yeah, well—fuck him, he should’ve never left then,” he replied half-heartedly. 

“You don’t mean that and if you love him back—you’ll do it for him. Just like he left because he loves you and protecting you is his main way of showing it.”

Another sob escaped him at the last part. He hated how Zach was so right about that. 

“I do love him—so much it hurts,” he replied meekly.

Zach smiled slightly, “Then I think you know what you have to do—if not for yourself, then for him.”

“How is that fair?”

“It's love—it’s never fair.”


	22. Into Your Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reunion and the downfall.

Upon his arrival, he couldn’t help but admire the clear effort made—the venue was beautiful, gold etchings along the walls spoke of royalty, secrets and sacred moments, while the vast and voluminous crystal chandelier hung like some glory-cloud above the room's centre that had a crowd of boisterous teenagers prancing to music beneath it. He let himself take a breath before hesitantly making his way inside, unsure of how his classmates would take to his arrival after an entire 2 months of not seeing him—not sure how Justin would take to it. 

It took a lot of self-convincing to get him to come, the better part of himself urging Diego to stay put and not take a good time away from Justin but the selfish part of him had won because the need to see him had become too much to bear. If he could even have one night, a couple of hours —it would be enough. But that was a lie in itself, no amount of time would be enough for him to just walk away from Justin—he wasn’t sure how he had done it the first time but if it was anything like the first, he may as well leave his heart with the boy he loved so much. 

To his surprise, he was greeted with warm hugs and expressions of beaming shock, his teammates crowding him into a group hug and slapping him on the arm for leaving without saying goodbye but relaying how they were happy to see him now. Only seconds later, Jess made her way over and her face was stoic and unreadable—Ani’s equally impassive expression accompanying her. He gulped. 

“Jess—,” he began hesitantly, putting on his best smile despite how intimidating they both were. 

She landed a firm punch on his shoulder provoking a groan out of him. 

“You asshole—where the fuck have you been?” She sneered, voice serious but slightly amused. 

“Out and about?” He replied with slight amusement, a smirk still in place.

She rolled her eyes at that, annoyance still evident but expression softening. 

“Yeah, well—your best friend has been an absolute mess without you. Ever think about that?” She replied annoyedly, eyes examining him. 

His heart faltered at hearing about Justin, causing him to gulp for an entirely different reason.

“How is Justin?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know, maybe if you checked in every once in a while you’d know—,” Jess began. 

“I’m sorry—shit got bad, I can’t really explain,” he replied somberly. 

She nodded in slight understanding, taking his word for it.

“Well—he’s not here either way, so,” she continued.

“He’s not?” Diego replied flatly, heart dropping at hearing that. 

“No.”

***

The next hour passed so slowly that Diego felt that he was being torn to shreds for just enduring it. He was happy to be back, to be around his friends and classmates that he had spent so much time with but it was hollow and empty without him. The thought that Justin might’ve not come because of him only had Diego kicking himself for his ability to only make Justin suffer more. He hated himself and he hated being here without him—it wasn’t worth it. Nothing was worth anything without Justin—it had become that simple. After forcing himself to bust some moves with the jocks a couple of times and abusing the punch—he decided that he just wanted to leave, not wanting to feign that he was having fun when he wasn’t. It was tiring. 

But then Diego saw him.

Justin was at the entrance, Jess’s arms around him in a tight embrace and looking absolutely breathtaking. Diego felt himself go rigid at the sight of him from afar, seeing Justin after so long suddenly felt so surreal and foreign—it was like he was falling in love all over again because the emotions washed over him with an intensity that had him wheezing for air. He saw Justin lean down to hear what Jess was trying to say, eyes taking on a serious expression until they followed her line of direction. When Justin looked at him it felt like his lungs accessed all the air in the world, causing him to sag in relief but the feeling was still so overwhelming and calculating. He hesitatingly made his way over to Justin, the other boy’s eyes wide and mouth agape in shock—this is what he had come for. For Justin. For the one person, he couldn’t run from—not even to protect him because loving him was that consuming and dangerous. 

Justin slowly met him halfway, expression alternating from one of muted fury from the way his nostrils flared to heartache from the way his eyes glazed over so familiarly to that familiar look of warmth and softness—God, Diego had missed that. He wanted to reach out and touch him to just confirm that he was real and here. To let the apologises and love flow through his touch but he was still rooted in place. 

“Hey,” Diego weakly croaked out, throat closing up at Justin’s now watery smile. 

“Hey—,” Justin replied, chuckling slightly before pressing his lips together in an attempt to quell the tears. 

Diego felt his own eyes glaze over at the sheer intensity of the moment, so touch starved and desperate to make things right. He doesn’t know who pulled in who first but in Justin’s embrace the world stopped still on its axis. There was no time, no wind, no rain. Diego’s mind was at peace. He felt Justin’s body press in, soft and warm. This was the love he had waited for, prayed for. He inwardly thanked God and hugged him tighter. A love like this was to be cherished for life. In his arms, it felt like coming home. Diego’s grip was tight but shaky from the surreality of it all, eyes closed to cherish all of it—all of Justin. He felt the other boy’s shaky warm breath on his neck, wetness staining his collar.

“You asshole—don’t you fucking leave me again or I swear to God,” Justin shakily croaked out into his neck. 

Diego only held him tighter, chuckling slightly, “I won’t, God—I missed you,” he replied, voice wavering at the lie but firm in it’s truth. He had missed Justin to a point that became inexplicable—there weren't enough words to describe the hours of pain, yearning and what if’s that he had condemned himself to. 

Justin just quietly sobbed into his neck, yet to relinquish his tight hold.

“I love you so much, baby—so much,” Diego whispered into his ear.

Justin sobbed in response, “I—I love you more than life,” he whispered back, voice so achingly earnest and raw.

Diego gasped. He wanted to drop all pretences and kiss him, then and there and if he wasn’t half the coward that he was—he would have. He felt himself chuckle waterily, his own tears slipping as he held Justin without relent. He never knew that love could be that vast and great—it was terrifying and he was lost but found all at once—Justin had found him. 

“You’re everything—my whole word,” Diego admitted rawly, baring his heart for Justin alone. 

He didn’t want this night or moment to be over. If he could just be in Justin’s arms for the rest of his life—he would be content with that. 

***

They had holed themselves in the bathroom to make up for lost time, barricading the door with the random fancy couch and losing themselves in each other. 

All Diego could feel were Justin’s lips and hands and him. Justin’s arms wound around his back to pull him in even closer, the wet sound of kissing echoing in the bathroom. They slotted their legs together so each could get friction off of the other’s thigh, falling into an unsteady rhythm accompanied by quiet groans and whines.

Justin’s hands slid up from Diego’s ass and under his button-down, sliding to rest on his waist before they got caught in the inflexible fabric. Fingertips dragged down the back of his own top in response, gripping at the hem. Diego energetically rutted up into Justin’s hip and twirled his tongue in their mouths, so desperate to get all of him after so long. Justin flexed his grip, getting lost in sensation himself.

Justin squeezed one more time before planting both hands on his chest and pushing them apart, ignoring the petulant noise and dazed expression before him in favour of keeping his eyes on Diego’s crotch, the look already a suggestion to where this was going. Diego moaned in response, unabashedly turned on by their semi-public display that could have anyone walking in. 

Justin started on his own pants, locking eyes with his boyfriend. Diego smiled breathlessly and undid his own fly, shoving his fingers back into Justin’s locks as soon as he finished. Justin obliged his unspoken request and kissed that hot mouth again. He pressed forward and they both moaned at the feeling of their cocks rubbing together, only separated by the thin layers of their underwear. Diego broke the kiss, breathing shallowly, drawing the other boy forward into a tight embrace.

“Fuck, I missed this and you so much —baby, fuck ,” he whispered into Justin’s ear, preventing him from pulling backward by squeezing tighter around his shoulders, “I need you, all of you!” His voice rose in octave and volume in reaction to the other boy taking advantage of their positioning to suck at the spot that had gotten him similar reactions the first time they had done this.

“Diego —shut up, fuck ” Justin squirmed and they both giggled. “I’ve got you —don’t you ever leave again .”

Diego mouthed at the underside of his chin. “I’m right here, baby —right here ” he hummed. Justin tilted his head down and his hips up, swallowing Diego’s noises when he pressed him back into the wall and ground into his nearly exposed cock. He worked his hand in between their bodies and down south. When the back of his hand finally brushed against Diego’s still-clothed dick, he twitched and moaned even louder into their linked mouths.

Justin leaned back a little to get some space between their hips. Once there was the bare minimum needed, he shoved their pants and underwear both down onto their thighs and crushed them back tight together. A loud gasp echoed in the empty bathroom and they both stared at each other in astonishment. 

Holy fucking shit did that feel good, and he moaned at how long it had been. Diego experimentally rolled forward and watched Diego’s mouth drop open. He couldn’t watch for long, though, because hands fisted in his hair and yanked him forward to meet that mouth once more.

He removed one of his hands from where it was groping Justin’s ass and again forced it between the two of them. He barely got his hand wrapped around their cocks before Justin straight up whimpered into his mouth.

“Holy fuck, Diego!”

“I’m going to make it up to you, baby,” he promised lowly. He used his other hand to clamp around Justin’s hip to try and keep him in place while he started a rhythm. As he rocked forwards he slid his hand down, and when he moved back his hand slid back up. He began slowly but sped up steadily with Justin’s quite vocal encouragement rising in volume to match. Eventually, Diego had to kiss him to smother what were soon to be screams echoing across the tile. Justin tended to be loud but he couldn’t have him be louder than the music or else that would raise questions.

They were both so wound up already with the need for release and to make up for lost time that it only took Diego swirling his hips in time with Justin to send them careening over the edge. They desperately muffled their yells in each other’s lips, release staining Justin’s shirt. Diego gently pushed him back by the shoulders and embarrassedly laughed upon seeing Justin’s shirt —the other boy dazed and face emanating that familiar expression again, slightly rocking in exhaustion. 

Diego caressed his cheek softly, eyes furrowed in concern at the half-lidded and slightly pale colour to his face but he dismissed it as Justin being on the high of the moment. His eyes couldn’t help but notice the odd brown coloured scarring on the side of his forehead and neck, thumb going up to trace at them. Justin seemed totally unfazed, smiling at Diego with a sleepy, goofy smile before placing his head on his chest—right above his heart. They had done this countless times but it felt different in such an unfamiliar, open space that it had Diego filled with another wash of warmth and giddiness. Diego wrapped Justin in his arms, peppering his forehead and hair with soft kisses until Justin abruptly raised his head—wobbling at the rush. 

“We should go and dance,” Justin said simply like it was the easiest thing in the world.

“You want to dance?” Diego asked amusedly, not having the heart to reject Justin’s clear elation at the idea.

Justin nodded incessantly, smile still firmly in place and face so certain.

Diego rolled his eyes half-heartedly, “Fine—but you need to put your blazer on because that’s gonna bring up questions,” he chuckled in response, referring to the very clear stain on Justin’s shirt. 

The other boy just chuckled like it was the least of his worries, pulling Diego in for a sweet kiss—smile so prominent against his lips. 

***

They were all grins, looking like idiots without a care in the world. Inside he was just happy, happy and more alive than ever. Diego felt a part of himself come out to play, the vibe of the music and Justin’s projection of complete happiness and love making him free. It was one moment, one brilliant feeling of togetherness that was suspended in time. Music, love, friends, good times, dance. It was all he needed. 

_ Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame _

_ Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned _

_ But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die _

_ You gotta get up and try, and try, and try _

Pink’s lyrics were filling the entire hall, everyone so caught up and absorbed in the now. Diego’s face hurt from smiling so much, one arm firm around Justin’s neck and the other grasping Jess’s hand. They were a bundle of bodies just bumping into each other and swaying to the lyrics, happiness so evident and intoxicating. Soon enough, Zach and Alex had joined them, the two lovebirds looking like the ultimate couple in their crowns—it was fitting for them to become prom kings, they had that love that everyone yearned for. Diego was happy for them. Somewhere along the way, Justin had practically carried Clay onto the floor—the group pulling him in with insistent but welcoming arms. 

He was so happy, so content and so free. At that moment, everything felt right—like nothing could quell his happiness or the love he felt for the boy next to him. He believed that for those few minutes.

But then Justin had collapsed and his whole world fell away. 


	23. Don't Slip Away, Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego contemplates what amounts to true agony when everything is just silent.

Diego was numb and cold through it all. The shrill cry he had let out when Justin had collapsed was enough for the entire room to go stock still, Jess trying to keep her composure by asking whether Justin could hear her but fear so evident in the way her voice wavered. Clay immediately gripped at Justin’s hand before screaming at the onlookers to call the ambulance. All Diego could do was shakily hold the boy’s head in his lap, caressing his cheek in an attempt to quell Justin’s discomfort and smother his own breakdown—something wasn’t right. He knew that and it scared him to the bone.

He refused to let go of Justin’s unconscious form—even when the ambulance arrived, shoving away at intrusive hands that tried to take him away from Diego. Eventually, Clay’s reasoning and Jess’s comforting hand on his back had him hesitantly letting go of the boy which only prompted his breakdown—letting go of Justin felt like losing him. He shakily raised himself from the ground and followed the medics like a lost puppy, determined to not lose sight of Justin—even as they loaded him onto the back of the ambulance and reasoned that only immediate family could come on board. He felt himself go red at that, spewing curses in the medics faces and shoving at the bodies in his way. Out of nowhere, Zach’s strong hands gripped him by the arms and pulled him away—grip unrelenting even as he went to punch the taller boy, demanding that he let him go and eventually crying into the taller boy’s shoulder as arms came up to wrap around his back.

Everything was numb and cold.

* * *

The hospital corridor was stuffy and the air had an undertone of bleach. The walls were magnolia and were scraped in places from the hundreds of trolleys that had bumped into them. The pictures on the walls were cheap benign prints of uplifting scenes and above the double doors were large blue plastic signs with the areas of the hospital that lay ahead. 

They were all gathered in the waiting room, impatiently awaiting the Doctor’s verdict that would either, make or break Diego. Even with Clay’s solid presence beside him, Diego was utterly alone and wrecked—eyes puffy and dry from crying everything out. Everyone had someone, Zach and Alex's arms tightly around the other in an embrace full of love and affection, Jessica’s head on Ani’s shoulder, Tyler’s hand in Estella’s and the team all huddled around the same corner of the room. It only made him that much more aware of the situation—how something was wrong with Justin and there was nothing he could do. 

He never felt as useless and pathetic as he did at that moment. 

***

Justin had HIV.

Diego knew that Justin never had it particularly easy before he had the Jensen’s—a negligent druggie mother, her line of abusive boyfriends, and a period of homelessness. He knew about all that, but just not the extent of it. He didn’t realise that he had any more tears to spare but clearly he did.

The doctor didn’t know whether he had contracted it as a result of the drug use or the period of sex work. The latter had him sobbing into his hands, Jess’s shaky hand rubbing at his back in a naive attempt of comfort despite the wail that escaped her own mouth. 

When she dropped the bomb, his heart lurched in the most authentic form of pain and ache. 

“Justin has tested positive for HIV-1 and based on his symptoms we believe it has progressed to AIDS.”

His own wail felt like an intrusion like he didn’t have any right to feel pain because he was in the same space as Justin’s own family, the one girl he had loved for years and friends that had been through the worst with him. Still, the heartache was like red hot coal placed in his chest, it glowed and burnt him at the same time, but it did not cool quickly like a lump of coal in water, it throbbed and tortured him in all his walking hours and there was no relief to be found.

He naively begged God for him to take Justin’s place, to not make him lose the one person that had become his reason to breathe, live and survive—he begged and begged and begged, grip taut around the bracelet Justin had made for him all those months ago. 

Even as he cried himself raw and screamed into the silence of the night, nothing changed.

* * *

There was a silence to his soul; he felt like fall leaves under frost. He felt the chill in his blood, coldness bringing the synapses of his brain to a standstill. It had been a week since that night and Justin was yet to regain consciousness, his body that was once resemblant of strength was frail, meek—connected to a tangle of tubes and machines. Diego spent every waking second in the antiseptic coldness of the hospital, lingering outside Justin’s room and looking at his still form from the window—counting his blessings every time his chest rose for air. He cried and cried and cried. All he had become was a mess of constant, relentless tears—the pain only intensifying as the days went on and time slimmed. 

They predicted a couple of months. How was it that one minute someone could be living without a care for the booming but lingering presence of their end and the next day they were reduced to a number of hours—months. Diego thought about time a lot nowadays, especially how much he had wasted by being a coward, by not giving his love to Justin sooner, by leaving, by letting what everyone thought get in the way of what mattered. His self-loathing was unlike any other that he had ever felt. 

He hadn’t loved Justin long but he didn’t know this life without him—a life where he didn’t love him. Diego couldn’t fathom it and the mere thought of it had him heaving in despair, so fucking done with how the cruel world worked. It wasn’t fair—Justin was a survivor, a mere disease wouldn’t be enough to take him, it shouldn’t be but it was. 

For the first time in all the hours he had spent here, he let himself walk into the room and take a seat beside the boy he loved so much. He gripped at Justin’s motionless hand with a shaky strength, as much as he tried to hold it in, the pain came out like an uproar from his throat in the form of a silent scream. The beads of water started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. It hurt to hurt. 


	24. Sacred Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica's POV and how she comes to make an alarming discovery.

After what felt like years of waiting in agony and anticipation, Justin had woken up. It was like regaining air after being underwater for so long—they were all a mess of tears and even with the inevitability of what was to come, seeing Justin awake and aware was enough to have her sobbing in melancholy and happiness. His smile was as warm and inviting as it had always been but just missing that tinge of love that used to be directed at her. She wasn’t an idiot, she had her suspicions but the photo only confirmed them—no one looked at their best friend that way.

When the doctor’s had predicted that Justin was only days from waking up, Jessica’s first thought was to make sure he felt comfortable by surrounding him with small things that reminded him of being at home—it would never be the same but she didn't want him to feel suffocated by the sterile whiteness of the room. Ani had sadly smiled at her and agreed that it was a nice idea.

Ani scoured through Justin’s bookshelf looking for a copy of that robot comic Justin and Clay fawned over, the box around overfilled with family photos, plush toys that Justin had up against his pillows, a couple of family vacation souvenirs, his favourite pillow, that one jacket that he wouldn’t throw out despite how ragged and torn up it was, and his iron man mug. She gave herself a minute to bittersweetly smile at the life Justin had crafted with the Jensen’s, the people that had truly saved him and given the boy love he so desperately yearned for. She allowed herself a minute to take it all in, her hand moving across his bed of its own accord until she felt something under his pillow pinch her—her curiosity got the better of her and had her retracting the item from beneath his pillow. Her breath caught at the sight. 

It was a polaroid of Justin and Diego. Her eyes furrowed in a mixture of confusion, slight anger, understanding and then, realisation. Everything made sense then and there, all her prior suspicions that she had dismissed had only been affirmed. In the photo, Justin’s smile was so visible even as his lips were pressed to the space between Diego’s neck and cheek while Diego’s mouth was upturned into a broad grin as his eyes crinkled in that way that meant he was laughing uncontrollably. They looked so happy, free and young—like they had no care in the world but each other. 

She couldn’t find it within her to feel disgusted or betrayed at Diego for cheating because, in all honesty, her heart had never been in that relationship—she had betrayed him a lot earlier. She sobbed at the sight of her boy’s looking so content, sobbed for how if they loved each other the way she thought then they didn’t have long and sobbed for how she was going to lose her first love. She mourned for them and herself. As her cries began to pick up in volume, she felt herself melt in the safety of Ani’s arms.

She kept the polaroid with her, wanting to return it to Diego but yet to see the other boy despite how constant and unyielding his presence had become—the only one to stick around for hours on end after Justin’s family. Justin had been awake for a good 5 hours now and Jessica had expected Diego to run into his room minutes after hearing the news but the other boy was nowhere to be found and she could see how Justin deflated every time someone that wasn’t Diego walked in. She needed to find him.

* * *

She searched the main public areas of the hospital, checked the cafeteria a million times and called him relentlessly but was yet to find the boy or get in contact with him. It was only after two exhaustive hours of looking that she went outside to get some air. She saw him then. 

She took a moment to observe the boy—she had a gut feeling that even if Diego wasn’t in the hospital, he would be somewhere nearby. He and Justin were almost connected by a wire, not too close but never too far—maybe that’s why it made it much easier to hide what they had, even if the signs were there all along. When she approached him, his frail sight had her washed with a sense of sorrow and fury for what the world was doing to them. 

He didn’t even spare her a glance and Jessica wasn’t sure if he was really there. His eyes had a faraway look, fixated on the something in the distance and chin perched on an obnoxiously large plush dog—there was a story for that one. She noticed how his right hand was tightly gripping something on his wrist—Diego never shied away from jewellery of any kind and his wrist was always full of embroidered bracelets. She sadly smiled at the particular bracelet he was clutching—a J charm hung off it and that was the only indication she needed to know exactly who had gotten him that. 

Diego broke the silence then.

“What is the point of life or anything when everything is just constant loss?” He croaked out, voice flat and devoid of any emotion. 

Jessica didn’t know what to say to that, the question too overwhelming and existential for her to even consider at a time like this. He looked at her after a minute, which finally gave her the chance to take notice of just how at loss he was. His eyes were puffy and red from the incessant tears, his under eyes harboured darkness that only showed his lack of sleep and his usually glowing, smooth caramel skin was pasty and pale. She probably didn’t look much better herself, the last week had become one of the most difficult. 

“I wish I knew,” she sobbed out, swallowing at the lump in her throat—she had to be strong for him. 

He broke at that, his dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears; his hands clenched into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against the grief.

“Jess—I can’t—how am I supposed to—,” he began incoherently, sobs now wracking his chest. 

The sight was too much to bear, his pain so raw and open that it tore at her already broken heart. She immediately pulled him into her arms. He sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her jacket. She held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked her chest. A tiny lapse let him pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before he collapsed again, his howls of misery worsening. The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before hurling him back into the outstretched arms of his grief.

She felt like he was channelling both their pain, her tears soft and subtle compared to the raw openness of his. She wanted to quell his pain, tell him that it would be okay, that they’d get through it somehow but that was all a lie—nothing about this was okay. Justin of all people shouldn’t be one of the first to go—it just didn’t make any sense.

When he pulled back it was like he had aged about 100 years, face tired and miserable but pain so blatant and unrelenting. She kept a tight grasp on his hand because she would surely fall apart if he began to fade away too.

“Diego, you need to go see him,” she tried softly, his head already shaking at the suggestion.

“I—I can’t—it’s my fault,” he pathetically reasoned but somehow believed it. 

“How is any of this your fault?” She remarked in outraged, voice wavering. 

“I—I should’ve noticed, the scarring, how he—he was getting sick so often—I was there and—.”

“You couldn’t have known—none of us could’ve known,” she pushed back, voice clipped and certain.

“I should’ve known, Jess! He—he’s my—my—best friend,” he croaked out. 

“Well, if you love your best friend like I think you do—then you won’t let him fade away alone,” she replied harshly, kicking herself for her rudeness but needing to get through to Diego. 

He scoffed but his eyes lingered on her face a little longer which meant he heard the first part loud and clear.

“I know Diego and it’s okay,” she said softly.

“What? What do—.”

She interrupted him by retracting the polaroid from her pocket, before hesitantly passing it to him. She heard him gasp and saw the way his face crumbled, even more, hand shakily come out to take the photo from her outstretched hand. The tears made wet tracks down his face and dripped from his wobbling chin onto the polaroid.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Justin that happy—not even with me, not for a long time,” she replied, eyes fixed on the photo.

Diego flinched at her voice, processing what she said before the guilt on his face became apparent. 

“Jess—I’m sorry, we—I should’ve never—,” he began guilty, eyes filled with remorse and pain.

“Diego—seriously, it’s okay. I’m not mad,” she replied softly. 

“You’re not?”

“No,” she shook her head, “I’m just happy you both found something for yourselves and if that happened to be each other—I can’t be angry at that.”

He smiled at her watery, before nodding in thanks.

“But you need to see him—he deserves that much,” she continued.

“I know—I, okay,” he gave in.


	25. Build Me Anew Before You Depart

Diego felt himself hesitate outside Justin’s room, Jess’s grounding presence behind him patiently awaiting his first move. Justin was awake, somehow still his animated self engaged in conversation with Clay like it was another day but from the way, his skin was sallow and sunken—every couple of words had him heaving out a sickly cough. The sight of seeing him so bright, and avid even given his situation had Diego feeling a mixture of warmth and melancholy. Only a moment later Clay’s eyes had flickered to the door which prompted Justin to follow his line of sight. Diego gulped at the beautiful green eyes that gazed back at him with so much sadness, longing and fondness. 

“D—Diego,” Justin croaked out weakly, palm up and beckoning for him. 

Diego immediately gave in at the sound of Justin’s weak call.

“Hey—hey, baby,” he said shakily, hand coming up to caress his cheek as he peppered light kisses across his face. 

Justin’s tears fell at the affection, which squeezed at Diego’s own heart but he was determined to be strong for him—to bear the weight and just be there for him. His heart lurched at Justin’s guilty expression, arms coming up to engulf him in a soft hug, careful not to probe at any of the tubes. 

“I’m sorry I took so long,” Diego croaked out against Justin’s forehead. 

“Is okay—I’m glad you’re here now,” he whispered.

A few tears fell at the surreality of getting to hold Justin and the inevitability of what was about to come but he shakily pulled himself together.

“I love you so so much—you know that right?” He whispered into his ear.

Justin let out a sob, “Yeah—I love you so much too.”

***

Justin’s family had given them some space, excusing themselves to get some coffee. He managed to keep himself together for a total of 30 minutes before the dam broke. Salty tears dripped into his mouth and onto the pillow where he laid beside Justin—needing to hold the boy for as long as possible. Justin smiled at him bittersweetly, softly running his hands through Diego’s hair—always the one to give comfort to others even when he was the one in the most pain. Diego had just become a shell of a person, nothing to give but the watery release that wouldn’t stop. 

“I—I wasted so much time—baby, I’m so sorry,” he cried out incoherently, Justin’s hand still stroking his hair in that comforting way he did.

“Shh—don’t be sorry, I’m grateful for all we did and had, don’t you ever doubt that,” Justin whispered firmly.

He could only sob in response, tightening his arms around Justin’s waist and burying his face further into his neck.

“I thought I knew true love but I didn’t—not until I met you,” Justin continued.

Diego raised his head to look at the heartbreakingly beautiful boy before him. The one person that only deserved happiness but life continually dealt him the wrong cards. It wasn’t fair.

“That’s not true—,” Diego began.

“No, it is—I love you more than life, remember?” Justin waterily smiled, eyes glazed 

Diego shook his head, “You changed my life—you are my life,” he said firmly. 

Justin’s tears fell then and Diego immediately pulled him in for a long kiss, keeping it gentle and making sure to communicate just how much Justin meant to him. He would treasure all the time they had left, but the mere thought of him being gone felt like Diego had faded away too. 


	26. You Saw The Truth in Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's terrifying how kids know so much more than we can ever truly fathom.

Time was slipping through his fingers, Justin’s minutes ticking away each day as he got sicker and got heavily dependent on the tubes around him. Somedays, Diego could go half a day without breaking down, the grounding strength in Justin’s hand and his warm smile keeping him upright despite how easily he could’ve yielded to the pain. Other times, they couldn’t get a conversation in because Diego’s tears wouldn’t stop and he was a snotty, hiccuping mess that latched onto Justin without relent, an embarrassing sight on his behalf but nothing could ever tear him away from the boy again. Those weren’t even the worst days though. 

The worst were the moments where one minute Justin was smiling without a care in the world and the next, his face crumbled and he would sob without relent—relaying how he didn’t want to die, how he was scared, how he had so much he still wanted to do with his family, friends and Diego, how everything good was always taken from him. The first time it had happened, Diego could only watch on shakily—his attempts at reassurance doing nothing to quell the boy’s misery and nothing Diego could say would ever change anything—he didn’t know how to make it better for him because it would never be better. The irony of it all was that Justin had become his rock through it all—always keeping the familiar aura of warmth and unrelenting positivity and to see him just collapse felt like Diego had crumbled a million times over. He excused himself as Justin’s parents huddled the boy in an emotional embrace, Clay’s head laying on top of Justin’s own as they all shared his grief together—it was such a confronting sight, so reminiscent of when Diego’s own Mom had passed. 

He took in the icy coldness of the night, allowing the chill to incapacitate him and numb everything for a minute—just before he fell apart. When he cried there was a rawness to it like the pain was an open wound. He would clasp onto something for support, anything, a table or the back of a chair, and then his whole body would shake. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide his grief, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he would break down entirely, all his defences washed away in those salty tears.

***

Justin tried to keep up the happy and positive pretence as often as he could and Diego believed it was more to quell his own emotional collapse than something Justin was doing for himself. He hated that—hated how Justin had to be careful for him, even now, simply because Diego wasn’t strong enough to give Justin the same comfort—even when it should’ve been the other way around. Even now, he was still taking—taking from him when he was at his weakest and he hated that, so he was forced to put aside his own selfishness and put on a brave face. The next time it had happened, Diego held him with the same strength, love and warmth that he had always been given. While Justin fell apart, he kept it together for the both of them.

* * *

The twins weren’t stupid. Even when they were all staying in Evergreen, Justin’s presence had become a customary, daily one—the two of them patiently awaiting his arrival because Justin was fun and nice and made Diego smile. They knew that much of Diego’s recent time had been spent with Justin but his tendency to only return home every couple of days had the girls suspicious and he didn’t know how to break it to them—he could barely accept any of it himself without wanting to puke or hole up in a tight space and cry his days away. 

The girls were smart, more than people tended to give them credit for and somewhere along the way after countless encounters with Diego’s tear-rimmed eyes and sunken face that only got worse by the day, they had sort of figured it out. When Diego had shakily revealed that Justin was very sick and in hospital, their eyes had scrunched up in confusion before Savannah said something that broke his spirit. 

“Sick? Like Mama was, hermano?”

He gulped and forced his tears back before nodding. Understanding filled their eyes at the realisation, chubby arms came around to engulf Diego in a warm hug. He had to exert another level of self-control to stop himself from breaking then and there, his Abuelita watching on with pain as slow, desolate tears made its way down her face. He broke when her arms came around to embrace them all. 

***

When Diego brought his Abuelita and the twins to see Justin —the sight was one that brought tears to everyone’s already reddened eyes. The girls hurriedly making their way over to Justin, climbing onto the bed despite Diego telling them to not do that exact thing to which Justin told him to stop being a party popper, which had the girls cackling maniacally. He saw the way Jess cooed at the girl’s, it being the first time she had really met them while Clay and his parent’s watched on with small, watery smiles. Justin glowed in a way Diego hadn’t seen in so long, letting out appreciative ooh's and ahh’s at the colouring stencils that Savannah had completed for him while Liliana crowded her favourite stuffed bunny, Mr Pickles in his face—insisting that he keep it because she was all grown up and didn’t need toys anymore. They all chuckled waterily, and Diego saw how Justin’s eyes glazed over, very aware of just how much Mr Pickles meant to her before placing a wet kiss on both their foreheads. 

When his Abuelita went over, Justin naively tried to sit up as a sign of respect which had her scoffing in amusement before telling the gringo to stay put. She immediately pulled him into a tight embrace, Justin’s eyes closing as a sign of comfort as she relayed sweet sentiments in Spanish into his ear. Diego and Justin both cried as she relayed how Justin had become a grandson to her too, how he would always have two homes and how he was a good boy with such a big heart. The Jensen’s were never big on prayer but when Abuelita asked for everyone’s hands, they all gathered hand in hand around Justin’s bed and listened to his Abuelita recite a prayer. It was a beautiful, heart wrenching and bittersweet scene. 

_ Almighty, eternal God, heavenly Father, comfort and strengthen this your servant and save them through your goodness. Deliver them from all anguish and distress, release them in your grace, and take them to yourself in your kingdom; through Jesus Christ your dear Son, our only Lord Savior, and Redeemer. God, Bring this beautiful family peace. Provide them with your comfort. Let them know you tenderly care for each and every one of them. Lead them to be reunited with their loved one someday. Sit with them in their mourning. Let your presence provide rest. Thank you, for the gift of life that Justin brought to the world. May he rest peacefully with you for eternity.  _

_ Amen. _


	27. King Of My Heart, Don't Fade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay and Diego talk

Justin slept a lot, the laundry list of medication draining him and causing him to seek sleep despite how desperately he wanted to stay awake. Sometimes his breath evened out so thinly that Diego feared the worst—feared that the time had come but no, it was still too soon. Diego would shakily calm his anxieties, checking his pulse every couple of minutes to just make sure, relief washing over him every time but the pain still etching itself further into his heart. 

Over the past couple of months, he and Clay had established an amicable almost-friendship, both of them being within Justin’s orbit at nearly all hours of the day. It was nice, and despite how much Diego hated how it had to foster during their current predicament—it was nice to have another pair of ears that understood how agonizing it all was. Diego couldn’t imagine just how piercing the pain must’ve been for Clay because every minute it got worse for him but Clay was his brother—there was no love like one shared between brothers. None. 

He drew a lot while Justin slept, wanting to imprint all the memories they made onto paper or just draw Justin smiling, sketches of him with the twins, with Jess, Zach, his family, the team and a couple dozen of just the two of them. He found the smallest bit of comfort in losing himself in the rhythmic trance of his pencil gliding across the scratched paper, it was grounding. Now, at least a dozen of his sketches hung around Justin’s room—all small reminders of little moments and memories that he wanted his love to wake up to. What started as something he hid from other’s was now something he happily displayed for them all—all sense of prior fear or judgement had left him because he couldn’t care about futile things anymore. 

“You’re like really good,” Clay said, head slightly leaning over to look at the current sketch he was absorbed in.

He smiled at him slightly, “Thanks, man.”

“Justin had said you were a dude full of surprises but I had never expected ‘secret artist’.”

He laughed in response, “Yeah, well—I sort of always did it—it was something my Mom and I shared,” he croaked out softly.

Clay obviously didn’t know what to say to that so he just nodded with slight understanding. 

“I’m sure she was pretty incredible too.”

“Yeah—she was.”

* * *

Time had begun to dissolve into itself, as shapeless as the rain. Nowadays, it was hard for Justin to even get a couple of words out without wheezing with discomfort and Diego could see that the inability to properly communicate was only further destroying his spirit. Every day he felt more and more helpless, a spectator watching on as Justin faded away and he just let it happen—it was the purest form of torture because he just had to endure it.

All he could do was remind him countlessly of how much he loved him, how every good part of him was because of Justin, how he was his everything and more, how his love was deeper than the depth of the ocean and wider than the vastness of the universe and how Justin was his reason to not give up. He held him tight, kissed him endlessly and when Justin couldn’t do much more than smile at him sadly, he told him that it was okay. 


	28. Stay, Just a Little Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last conversation.

There wasn’t long left now and everything was numb and cold—more than it usually was. 

Diego was cuddled up against Justin’s side in the tight space of the bed, grip strong and firm on his hand and the other caressing his hair. 

“D—D—Diego,” Justin wheezed out weakly.

“Shhh—yeah, baby?” He croaked out, squeezing his eyes to impede the coming breakdown. 

"You—you re—remember when you told—me about your Dad losing a part of himself—when,” he started. 

It was tearing at his heart to hear Justin exert all his strength to just get a few words out but Diego stopped him because he knew.

“When my Mom died? Yeah—,” he replied waterily, nuzzling at his neck softly.

“I—yeah—I think I get that, I think—that’s when—when I fell in love with you,” he croaked out.

Diego sobbed into his neck, calming himself before replying. 

“I—I yeah, I think I went into this always knowing that I’d come out loving you and that was okay, no matter how many times I told myself otherwise,” he admitted rawly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I love you Justin Foley-Jensen.”

“I love you, Diego Torres.”

***

They both knew that they didn’t have enough hours on the clock but neither indulged in that. Diego just relayed his fondest memories they shared like their first unofficial date at Justin’s place where they watched Zootopia, the countless night drives around the neighbourhood, the forest where they had their first time, dinner at Diego’s place, Justin with the twins, the innumerable times they danced, the obnoxious amount of photos they took, the time Diego spewed on the rollercoaster during their carnival date, how Justin wanted a small turtle instead of a giant dolphin, how he was yet to return Diego’s jacket from all those months ago and more. Justin just considered all he said with a small warm smile, chuckling at the crazier moments and kissing him deeply when he went off track. The desperation to pause themselves in that moment consumed Diego but things never went how he wanted them to.

When Justin’s eyes started drooping, he caressed his hair and softly sang him a Spanish lullaby his Abuelita had sung for him countless times when he was younger—it lulled Justin into a calm sleep, smile still apparent on his face unbeknownst to the hot tears that fell from Diego’s face.

That was the last time they had spoken. 

_ Through dark tresses, heavenly one, _

_ a pair of deep brown eyes, _

_ lower as they approach, _

_ a stolen glance. _

__

_ Ay, ay, ay, ay, _

_ sing and don't cry, _

_ heavenly one, for singing _

_ gladdens hearts. _

__

_ A bird that abandons _

_ his first nest, heavenly one, _

_ then finds it occupied by another, _

_ deserves to lose it. _

__

_ That beauty mark you have _

_ next to your mouth, heavenly one, _

_ don't share with anyone but me _

_ who appreciates it. _

__

_ If your little mouth _

_ were made of sugar, _

_ I would spend my time _

_ enjoying its sweetness. _

__

_ From your house to mine _

_ there is no more than a step. _

_ Before your mother comes, _

_ heavenly one, give me a hug. _

__

_ Cupid shot off an arrow, _

_ heavenly one, _

_ And though he was playing, _

_ I was wounded _


	29. Take Me With You, Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain and more pain, short chapter here.

Grief. Feels like emptiness in your heart, a shear of nothingness that somehow takes over and holds your soul and threatens to kill you entirely. It gives you this heavy feeling that’s like the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders and there is nothing you can do to get out from under it. It's like this hole in your heart that is the shape of the one you lost and that makes you feel the need to wipe away at the very thought of having loved them to begin with because the pain is unbearable. 

When the piercing sound of the heart machine flatlining filled the room, everything faded away. From his mouth came a cry so raw that Jessica had to postpone her own grief to take him into her arms. He wailed and screamed at the inexplicable pain that was eating away at him. Justin couldn’t be gone, he just couldn’t—it wasn’t fucking fair, none of it was fair. 

He cried until there was nothing left inside but a raw emptiness that nibbled at his insides like a hungry rat. His irises were threaded scarlet and his eyeballs hung heavy in their sockets. His whole body hung limp like each limb weighed twice as much as it had before and just moving it about was a slow, painful effort. The sun still shone in the sky, but not for him, the birds sung in bursts of melody, but not for him, for him there was no beauty left in the world. There was no world, no life, no purpose, nothing—without Justin. 


	30. To Your Kingdom, Let Us Fly High Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego's eulogy.

_ A long time ago, a lot longer than I care to recall—I had asked myself what it was about Justin Foley-Jensen that had everyone enthralled and determined to be by his side. For a long time, I didn’t understand it—until I understood it all too well. Fate has a weird way of working out, I don’t know if I fully believe it or whether it's all made up bullshit that we find false comfort in. I don’t know but I believe it was my faith to meet Justin. I believe it was my destiny to love him, to be loved by him, to care about him, to worry myself sick over the few hours that I didn’t see him, to protect him—even if I didn’t always do that very well, to make him smile, laugh and happy in the best ways I knew how. I believed it was my purpose to find Justin and love him because after years of life just carrying on with no meaning—I finally had one. My life finally had meaning.  _

_ I hate how I didn’t get to love him longer, hold him longer, kiss him longer, show him the world some more, make him laugh some more—it’s not fair, it was never fair because Justin was a survivor. He knew how to endure the worst because life always dealt him the worst cards but he survived because that’s just who he was. He was a survivor but I wish and hope that somewhere along the way—he understood what it meant to live. To understand that life was more than just surviving because I know he helped me live—he was my life.  _

_ The first time he told me that he loved me, he said something that I still think about today. He said that loving me made the most sense and no sense at all. I never realized just how true that was because our love was exactly that—something that made sense but none at all. We weren’t supposed to work, we weren’t supposed to happen—it never seemed to fit in the grand scheme of how life worked but it did, we did.  _

_ Justin was funny, goofy, mischievous, a pain in the ass when he wanted to be, but most of all—he was always full of love, compassion and understanding. He never abandoned you and he always prioritised your pain above his own—I knew about that all too well. I think I took too much from him, always demanding, taking and never really giving back and I hope he can forgive me for that. I never knew what love was until Justin, he taught me what it meant to take a real breath for the first time in my life. I owe him a lifetime of everything, simply because he gave me everything and then became my everything.  _

_ I can’t help but think about one night we shared, where I spoke about how I wondered what it must’ve been like to have a love so consuming that you lose a part of yourself when your other half is gone. I understand that now and I wish I had never asked, because though my heart still beats—more than a part of myself left with Justin. I see him everywhere, in my sisters, at school, at all the places we spent countless hours together, in my friends, in Clay and in myself. He was the best part of me and I don’t know what that means for me now that he’s gone. _

_ Justin. They say the pain dulls with time, and that things will get better. But how can things be better when the reason the pain isn’t as bad anymore, is because I’ve forgotten? Over time, the memory of your presence will have escaped my mind. I will no longer see your face in strangers, and the things we once shared will no longer bring tears to my eyes. If getting past the pain means forgetting you, then I choose to suffer my entire life. _

_ I love you, mi todo and wherever you are, I hope you’re happy.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, maybe i CRIED. Ok, so congratulations on making it to the end, I can't believe this story is done and dusted - thank you for coming on this crazy journey with me. I don't know what to say other than Justin deserved better and Jiego held so much potential despite starting off as a crack ship. I wish I could've delivered a slower burn but I just wrote as things came to me sooo yeah. Hopefully, we'll get to see more fics of them in the near future and though canon is painful, I couldn't help but sticking with it because there is a lot to learn from the passing of one you love. I love Diego, I love Justin, Zalex, Jessani - I love all these characters and the show and this is my way of saying goodbye to them. Once again, please leave your thoughts and kudos! Feel free to contact with on twitter (if I'm active... which is not usually) if you wanna chat or whatever. Thank you again for reading and I hope you enjoyed DKIYMETM (god bless, the title is a mess).
> 
> twitter - @zalextapes
> 
> \- Avon


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